Sis and Bro's,
Waiting....we all are always waiting for the second shoe to drop. Sometimes I think I should bear the pain and shut up about it. It's there and the only person who can take it away is the Lord God himself. I am trying sooooooooo hard to think, "the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle". As a Christian, I know that. I have my bags packed and I am ready to go as soon as the Lord calls me. I hope he recognizes me at the gates. Accepting the Lord as my personal savior and asking Him to forgive me of my sins so many years ago and backsliding and coming back up for a breath has made me realize that life is so precious to waste. Yet, day after day I sit here and ask myself what is my purpose. If I could just help someone, anyone, then I would feel my life was for something and not nothing. I have the support of my husband as ever, my beloved Mother at age 84 (praise the Lord) and my mother-in-law who loves me like a daughter and I like a mother. Sister's (3), daughters, (1) will still not talk to me even though I called her 2 weeks ago and she copped and attitude with me and I put on the brakes right then and there. I told her I didn't call to fight I called to ask about my grandchildren and how she was doing and if we could ever put this to rest. She was still hostile. I did the best I could but I came to the conclusion that she's not mad at me, but she's mad at her situation with my grandson being ADD, the entire 9 yards. She is mad that she is overweight, she's mad that she has put distance between her and the rest of the family and most of all, she is mad to the fact that I am not there for her to call upon when she needs to talk. She has to realize that I am where I need to be and my husband and I did the best thing possible, after I shut myself out from everyone strung out on drugs for 8 years. I have been clean for 1,197 days. My daughter's have their own lives and their own families. I mentioned that every parent/grandparent has been divorced 2-3 times and the kids have so many grandparents that they don't know who's what. I am Nana and I will always be. NO ONE else is called that. I miss them, al 5 of them. My grandson o turns 2 on the 31st and I have seen him 3 times on my last visit last May, 2004. I have pictures all over the house of the kids and now that my daughter is not speaking to me, I have to rely on my other daughter or my Mom for recent pictures. One thing I would like to say is that it takes more energy and stamina to fight than it does to get along. She has had serious issues from the day her dad left and I divorced him. My husband and her didn't see eye to eye and always fighting. Most of the time it was over me if my husband did something that hurt me. I also think she was blaming him for the divorce which is not true as I met my now husband after the divorced papers were served. Her dad was into playing games with the girls to hurt ME and not them. He was mad that I had met someone else and that I married him. I had to get away from a bad situation as I wasn't going to take anymore beatings. Thats why I have a bad anger problem. Since then, if anyone angers me or acts out towards me, I flip. After trying to kill my husband over 3 years ago, I have to control my anger and if I think I am losing it, I walk away! I had an emotional outburst on Friday and I asked God to forgive me and then my husband as he is the last person I would hurt. It bother's me that he can care for himself and me now. Used to be I did everything for him. Now, he does everything for me and that doesn't help how useless I feel. I ask myself if this is it. Is this the rest of my life. Time after time I ask the Lord to take me home when I go to bed. It is not "my will it is thy will". He isn't ready for me yet. So, for now I sit and wait. This quote from the Bible is one of my favorites. "A time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant, a time to pluck up what was planted, for every season is a purpose under heaven".
I know that you are all dealing with your own issues and I think we can relate because of it. I cry at the drop of a hat and my husband DOES NOT want me to watch Fox news as every time I hear that a child has be abducted or molested or a known sex offender got out of jail and then molested again and/or killed. I cry all day long. I have begun to get very sensitive about things like that and it is effecting my own recovery and mental status. With all that, I am so blessed. We have everything we want, NO credit cards, we can pay our bills on time and have food in the frige, clothes on our back, roof over our heads and a house full of 2-3 of everything. So what am I bi***ing about? I think I have come to a juncture in life where I am so tired. Sometimes I think if it were my time, my husband is still young enough to re-marry and even have his own children. (he's 47 I am 55). about six years ago people would surprised to learn I was a grandmother. Now no one says anything.
I am so sorry I have poured out all my feelings on you all. I know you will read and advise and just knowing I have you all makes me feel better.