I don't know why I keep coming here. I don't mean to insult you, no way, but I can't explain why I kept this kind of journal with you. I think it's because no one knows that I'm dealing besides my boyfriend, all the people I know and some of my friends are kept with minimum information about
me. It's my defensive side, not showing my weaknesses to anyone else. It doesn't work but now I don't know how to be different.
Last saturday I had lunch with a friend from college and I talked her about
my mental health. I didn't thought much about
what I was doing, I just felt bad for hiding from someone who never forgot me and even helped get me my actual job. It was harsh, I didn't talk too much, I say more words while writing than talking but I think I was too hard on her, I didn't mean to put her unconfortable and quickly changed subjects to some more funny. After that she kind of joke with me about
an idea she had when we were studying, that me and another guy belonged to another universe, that she think of me as misterious and didn't have clues about
my character. For my defense I don't agree with her, I don't see myself as a stranger, an alien, not anymore. I'm just discovering myself again.
I'm having trouble dealing with bad days. I try to filter thoughts, no thinking at all about
some things and breath. But I get so emotional that my tears start blinding me and I can't relax. I did runs for crying in the bathroom more than I'm confortable to admit and some days I work 1 to 2 hours and then I have to leave. My boss is comprehensive and I'm being honest with him about
my health, but there's so much I can't tell him that I feel like a liar, a child who doesn't want to work.
My psychologist has been talking to me about
my sadness, when I became so hurt that started to ignore life and just do what most people do, study, work and being in a family. My past is claiming my present and future, I can't allow it but I can't ignore it, I have to deal with my memories and try to feel confortable. Somedays I'm desperate, others I'm just numb, most of the time I just don't know what I'm feeling. But every single day I wake up afraid.
I hope you're all ok