hello, I am new

And I have crap going on like everyone else. I am not sure where to even start describing everything that is going on, so I am taking excerpts out of the posts I have made on another board. Hopefully it isn't too confusing.

The thing is is that I create some of my own problems. I hate where I live. I am growing tired of being with the same person. Not that I don't love him. I do. And not that I don't want to be with him. I am just tired of my whole world revolving around him. I am tired of letting him control my life. I am tired of spending all our money. I am tired of not having any money. I am tired of not being able to keep a job. I am tired of second guessing everything I do.

I can't figure crap out. Everything is so confused. I am not so much anxious as I am depressed now. Which, I guess I can be thankful for. Being crushed emotionally is better than being anxious anyday. I am so ****ing bored with my life. And I feel so useless. I have gained like 20 pounds. I am almost up to 200 now. It's sickening.

I can't move out of where I am, without moving back into a shelter of some kind. And then who's to say, I'll keep a job or be able to pay the rent of a new place anyway? Deep down, I think I know that I can't have the life I want as long as I am with Chris under these circumstances. I want to move on and grow up. Be something. Do something with my life. He wants to sit around and get high all the time. Not that I don't enjoy it. But God, I want more out of life than just that.

It sick and sad to admit that I was a little dissappointed when I left the hospital. I kinda liked it there. I had people to pay attention to me. They cared about what I said and how I felt. They actually were interested in me, as a person. Plus, I got shots of pain killers in my IV> that was pretty cool too. lol. I just felt valued as a human being again. That's why I liked it I guess.

Chris and I had sex for the first time in three weeks last night. Even when I came home from the hospital he didn't want to have anything to do with me. But last night was the first night I slept without my hands being all bandaged up. Therefore I could give him what he wanted while having sex. But he claims that's not why he didn't want to ****. He has just been too tired. But yeah, he kinda like automatically pushes me aside when I try to be near him. He doesn't listen to me when I talk really. But then I start to to think, maybe it's in my head. Maybe I am just being hyper sensitive like always. He's definetely not attracted to me like he used to be though. I have gained weight and gotten a bit acne. I am crabby often and impatient.

What I really want is like, time away from this. But it's just not possible. And even if I did go away for awhile, it would only be a matter of time before it all came up again.
 
life is just darn crazy sometimes.

well, because of the chatting I did with sarah palmer ( thanks by thew way, sarah! ) and others, I ended up leaving saturday afternoon. I am staying at a women's shelter. And it's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do! But I know that it's right. If you guys could put in a prayer for me though, I would appreciate it. I can't contact him except through email, until I move out and find my own place. Which is probably better for me right now anyway. For both of us. I am getting into counseling and encouraging him to do so too. And I want us to go together too. And when I move into my own place, we are not living together. At least for a year, anyway.

I guess that's all for right now.

Oh, and I just found out that his sister is pregnant. But she runs the chance of losing the baby. And her boyfriend doesn't want the baby. So, put a little word in for her too.

thank you all for the support I have found here.

that's goes for you too, Sandee. I think you are the best "glad bagger" I have ever met! well, talked to anyway!