And I have crap going on like everyone else. I am not sure where to even start describing everything that is going on, so I am taking excerpts out of the posts I have made on another board. Hopefully it isn't too confusing.
The thing is is that I create some of my own problems. I hate where I live. I am growing tired of being with the same person. Not that I don't love him. I do. And not that I don't want to be with him. I am just tired of my whole world revolving around him. I am tired of letting him control my life. I am tired of spending all our money. I am tired of not having any money. I am tired of not being able to keep a job. I am tired of second guessing everything I do.
I can't figure crap out. Everything is so confused. I am not so much anxious as I am depressed now. Which, I guess I can be thankful for. Being crushed emotionally is better than being anxious anyday. I am so ****ing bored with my life. And I feel so useless. I have gained like 20 pounds. I am almost up to 200 now. It's sickening.
I can't move out of where I am, without moving back into a shelter of some kind. And then who's to say, I'll keep a job or be able to pay the rent of a new place anyway? Deep down, I think I know that I can't have the life I want as long as I am with Chris under these circumstances. I want to move on and grow up. Be something. Do something with my life. He wants to sit around and get high all the time. Not that I don't enjoy it. But God, I want more out of life than just that.
It sick and sad to admit that I was a little dissappointed when I left the hospital. I kinda liked it there. I had people to pay attention to me. They cared about what I said and how I felt. They actually were interested in me, as a person. Plus, I got shots of pain killers in my IV> that was pretty cool too. lol. I just felt valued as a human being again. That's why I liked it I guess.
Chris and I had sex for the first time in three weeks last night. Even when I came home from the hospital he didn't want to have anything to do with me. But last night was the first night I slept without my hands being all bandaged up. Therefore I could give him what he wanted while having sex. But he claims that's not why he didn't want to ****. He has just been too tired. But yeah, he kinda like automatically pushes me aside when I try to be near him. He doesn't listen to me when I talk really. But then I start to to think, maybe it's in my head. Maybe I am just being hyper sensitive like always. He's definetely not attracted to me like he used to be though. I have gained weight and gotten a bit acne. I am crabby often and impatient.
What I really want is like, time away from this. But it's just not possible. And even if I did go away for awhile, it would only be a matter of time before it all came up again.
life is just darn crazy sometimes.
I was admitted into the hospital last thursday night. I was released on Monday. My hands had an allergic reaction on top of another to two different prescriptions and then my hands got a staph infection. It was great. I had all the nurses wiping my ass, feeding me, and bathing me for like 4 days. *insert sarscasm* Talk about humiliation. But I guess the final diagnosis is excema. Why they couldn't figure it out before, is beyond me. I am supposed to buy frangrance free hygiene products. I have found lotion so far. and soap. But they want like 10 bucks for a like 20 something ounces container. That's freaking expensive! Anyone have any other products they know of? I can't find conditioner that's f-free. I use that T-Gel shampoo, but yeah. I need conditioner too. Anyone else out there allergic to frangrance stuff?
As for my mental crap. well. i have no idea. I am going to go back to counseling soon though. and get back on anti depressants. I am starting to think that I need to make some major life changes, or else I am never going to be happy. But I am not ready yet. and I don't know if I should. Everything is confused right now.
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