hello, I am new

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/6/2005 10:48 AM (GMT -6)   
And I have crap going on like everyone else. I am not sure where to even start describing everything that is going on, so I am taking excerpts out of the posts I have made on another board. Hopefully it isn't too confusing.

The thing is is that I create some of my own problems. I hate where I live. I am growing tired of being with the same person. Not that I don't love him. I do. And not that I don't want to be with him. I am just tired of my whole world revolving around him. I am tired of letting him control my life. I am tired of spending all our money. I am tired of not having any money. I am tired of not being able to keep a job. I am tired of second guessing everything I do.

I can't figure crap out. Everything is so confused. I am not so much anxious as I am depressed now. Which, I guess I can be thankful for. Being crushed emotionally is better than being anxious anyday. I am so ****ing bored with my life. And I feel so useless. I have gained like 20 pounds. I am almost up to 200 now. It's sickening.

I can't move out of where I am, without moving back into a shelter of some kind. And then who's to say, I'll keep a job or be able to pay the rent of a new place anyway? Deep down, I think I know that I can't have the life I want as long as I am with Chris under these circumstances. I want to move on and grow up. Be something. Do something with my life. He wants to sit around and get high all the time. Not that I don't enjoy it. But God, I want more out of life than just that.

It sick and sad to admit that I was a little dissappointed when I left the hospital. I kinda liked it there. I had people to pay attention to me. They cared about what I said and how I felt. They actually were interested in me, as a person. Plus, I got shots of pain killers in my IV> that was pretty cool too. lol. I just felt valued as a human being again. That's why I liked it I guess.

Chris and I had sex for the first time in three weeks last night. Even when I came home from the hospital he didn't want to have anything to do with me. But last night was the first night I slept without my hands being all bandaged up. Therefore I could give him what he wanted while having sex. But he claims that's not why he didn't want to ****. He has just been too tired. But yeah, he kinda like automatically pushes me aside when I try to be near him. He doesn't listen to me when I talk really. But then I start to to think, maybe it's in my head. Maybe I am just being hyper sensitive like always. He's definetely not attracted to me like he used to be though. I have gained weight and gotten a bit acne. I am crabby often and impatient.

What I really want is like, time away from this. But it's just not possible. And even if I did go away for awhile, it would only be a matter of time before it all came up again.
life is just darn crazy sometimes.
I was admitted into the hospital last thursday night. I was released on Monday. My hands had an allergic reaction on top of another to two different prescriptions and then my hands got a staph infection. It was great. I had all the nurses wiping my ass, feeding me, and bathing me for like 4 days. *insert sarscasm* Talk about humiliation. But I guess the final diagnosis is excema. Why they couldn't figure it out before, is beyond me. I am supposed to buy frangrance free hygiene products. I have found lotion so far. and soap. But they want like 10 bucks for a like 20 something ounces container. That's freaking expensive! Anyone have any other products they know of? I can't find conditioner that's f-free. I use that T-Gel shampoo, but yeah. I need conditioner too. Anyone else out there allergic to frangrance stuff?

As for my mental crap. well. i have no idea. I am going to go back to counseling soon though. and get back on anti depressants. I am starting to think that I need to make some major life changes, or else I am never going to be happy. But I am not ready yet. and I don't know if I should. Everything is confused right now.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/7/2005 1:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Brain,

Welcome to the forum . . . sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Do you attend counseling? Are you taking any meds? Are you seeing your doctor regularly . . . just wonder if you have some professional help involved. because it sounds like you are having a really rough time.

(Please be carefull how you phrase things, because we have some young members here . . . thanks sis.)

I have to be carefull of the fragrance stuff too. I've found lots of lotions (I like Neutrogena the best), but never thought about the shampoo. I guess the shampoo and cream rinse have not given me a problem.

In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
Plaquenil, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Synthroid, RX Motrin, Lexapro, Amitriptelyne, Salagen, Lotrel (Centrum Silver, B12, B6, Calcium+D,)

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/8/2005 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry for my potty mouth. I will watch it from now on!
well, because of the chatting I did with sarah palmer ( thanks by thew way, sarah! ) and others, I ended up leaving saturday afternoon. I am staying at a women's shelter. And it's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do! But I know that it's right. If you guys could put in a prayer for me though, I would appreciate it. I can't contact him except through email, until I move out and find my own place. Which is probably better for me right now anyway. For both of us. I am getting into counseling and encouraging him to do so too. And I want us to go together too. And when I move into my own place, we are not living together. At least for a year, anyway.
I guess that's all for right now.
Oh, and I just found out that his sister is pregnant. But she runs the chance of losing the baby. And her boyfriend doesn't want the baby. So, put a little word in for her too.
thank you all for the support I have found here.
that's goes for you too, Sandee. I think you are the best "glad bagger" I have ever met! well, talked to anyway!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 4151
   Posted 8/8/2005 8:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm so proud of you for being so strong. I will keep you and your friend in my prayers... Take care
Des (dbab)
IBS, Diverticulosis, GERD, Disc Degeneration
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it" - Mary Engelbreit

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