Hello, **this may be long - but I needed to get out ALL my feelings! Thanks for reading!**
First of all, I am new to this particular board. I have gone to the Anxiety Boards on HW. My main problem being anxiety. But, I do on occassions get depressed. Today is one of these days.
See the problem is this. We're moving. Big deal right? Why would I be depressed about moving - isn't that supposed to be an exciting time? Selling your house, looking for a new one! Sounds exciting - it isn't for me! Well not really anyway. Its so confusing!! Let me explain...
When husband and I had our son, We decided to move into a house with a yard .. BIG yard. So big, we bought a little 5 acre mini-horse farm. Because our dream was to have horses too. And a place for my son to have a big safe yard to play in. Well that was THIS house. Well now that my son is approaching 4 years old he is starting pre-school this fall, we decided that actually it now may be best for him to live in a "sub-division" type community where he will have other KIDS to play with, and probably more than likely go to school with.
You see, the house we live in now sits way back off the road, like a 1/2 mile back. There are trees galore and pastures galore.... and a huge fenced in backyard. You can't see another house within viewing distance. We're extremely private. So - our thoughts now 4+ years later, are-well thats no good. We want our son to have a typical child hood. With other children on his street to play with and everything else. All we have on this street are old farmers, cows and corn fields! Because I know that when I was a younger kid (under age 13) we lived in a subdivision and some of my fondest childhood memories are running down the sidewalk to my friend's houses and playing until the street lights came on. lol... My husband had those same memories - we of course want this for our son too! Here at this place - he couldn't do that. There is no one around here. No sidewalks .... No street lights..... No houses!
So here we are..... Selling my little private oasis! I feel so selfish and guilty for feeling this way. I am doing this for our son mostly. So he has the chance to play as husband and I did when we were kids! He'll have a blast - he loves to play! So why do I feel so darn sad about this? I could slap myself in the face for feeling this way. I sound so selfish and immature. And, I don't like being that way. I mean I want my son to have friends... he can be shy so I know if he starts school and doesn't know anyone and never does know anyone because of where we live that will hurt him. And, I dont want that!!!! But, Im having a hard time "getting ready to" say goodbye to this place.
I thought I was ready... last year is when we brought up the idea of selling. We were going to put it on the market right away this spring-that didnt happen right away, But, Well, we had a realtor come out a couple weeks ago. She said Oh this place will sell FAST. Well now its a reality --- She is coming tonight to put the For Sale sign at the end of the driveway! I cant believe it is happening.
I tried talking to my husband about my depression over selling. And he is just annoying me! He doesnt care, and doesnt want to talk about MY feelings. I dont want him to change his mind. I am and know we should move! I just want him to understand my sadness over leaving. Maybe talk a little more upbeat about moving to a subdivision. Instead of talking about living so close to other houses and hearing cars and kids screaming/playing....... That doesnt help. I am used to quiet and peace. You hear NOTHING where we're at now. I'm used to walking outside in my night gown and knowing that no-one will see me. I like walking around the house in just my night-shirt at night ..... now I guess I won't be able to do that anymore either for fear someone will see in my window. I mean, Ill have houses right next door on both sides and across the street!
You have to understand. I lived here for 4+ years.... no one around. Before this I lived at my parents horse farm and that was a 40acre farm. so, probably the past 20 so years of my life, I'm not used to living next door to anyone! I dont consider myself a private person. I am very outgoing and friendly with everyone. I just do like my privacy when it comes WANTING it. If you know what I mean.
We just have so many memories with this house here. Our son's first house, he walked here, talked here, learned so many things here. Its BIG... a very big house - I dont think we'll find one quite this big. Its no mansion - not even close, but it just has a lot of floor space - he has a play room - that I know we won't find. Unless we finish off a basement. We've had parties GALORE here.... perfect party house with the huge deck off the back of the house. They dont put decks like this on new houses. You get postage stamp size decks now. Unless of course you want to fork over the dough for a bigger one! My husband is a fireworks fanatic.... We had huge 4th of July Extravaganza's here....... Well, Im sure you cant do those in a subdivision. I dont know....... Im just really worried and depressed about all of this.
Am I being silly? Please dont be afraid to tell me I am. Actually Id almost like to hear that, to snap me out of this rut Im in. Just whatever you do - dont tell me Im making a mistake!LOLOL!!! Because I cant get out of it now!! And I DONT want too! Im being irrational here! :)))
And please dont get me wrong... because I know a lot of people live in subdivisions. I personally do not have a problem with them. I actually think they're gorgeous...... but, when you live on land land land for 20+ years of your life..... you sort of get accustomed to it. I'm afraid we're going to get a nasty neighbor.... or something! My husband and I are very outgoing people. We care a lot about other people too, and if we get someone nasty - I think that would destroy us!
Please help me.... Im really getting sad about this. I had to drop my husband off to work this morning b/c our 2nd car was left there overnight. My son is away with his grandma and grandpa right now. So on my way home I drove through a subdivision we like and I just cried...... and I almost threw up on my way home from there. Ive never been like that before b/c of my nerves! The subdivison is super super nice too! Its just, its a normal subdivision.. houses one right after the next. I mean they get as many as they can in there, dont they!!!?
Like I said I just dont understand it. I WANT to move..... I really do. But, now that its becoming a reality, Im getting scared. UGH!!!!! this is so irritating.
Well, if you can offer any advice Id appreciate it. If not that is okay too - it helped me some just to talk about it outloud - as Ive not been able to, because whenever I do, my husband gets upset with me. I tried talking to him last night. And it was just You're being SILLY he said. Well I dont want to hear that. I want to be normal. I want my feelings to be understood. So I got mad and didn't talk to him at all on the way to drop him off for work. See he doesnt understand it, he was born/raised in the city where there are houses and more houses! Ive been in the country since I was 11 or 12! Im 31 now. Its a whole new thing! I forget now what its like to have a "next door neighbor". Is it fun? :))
Well---Take Care and Thank you so much for reading!!!