Hello Pendragon -
First of all ((Hugs))!! I fortunately do not suffer severe depression. I suffer severe panic/anxiety and mild depression. But, I know all too well about
depression because my Dad has it, his mother had it, and some of my in-laws have it. So I do know how you feel, because even though I suffer mild/mediocre depression - I do too get real depressed somedays.
You say you self-medicate. Do you have yourself on the Welbutrin or is that prescribed to you by a doctor? The reason I ask is, Ive heard! I dont know of course --but, that you can order meds over the internet!!!! I dont know though - Ive never looked into it myself.
Ill assume you're going to a doctor for the wellbutrin -since this is the more popular option. I would let him/her know that you do feel a difference somewhat - but that it is still there and everything you've told us. There are so many medicines out there!!! They can put you on something better suited for your body chemistry or even tweek the dosage of welbutrin possibly!
You dont have to live feeling this way--inform your doctor and Im sure they'll help switch something around--Ive been on several kinds to find the "right one". I know from personal experience - it never completely goes away *usually*, but it becomes manageable - where maybe you just have "down time".... and often these days/times are spaced well apart that your life isnt always in the dumps.
I fear the alcohol is no good for your situation. Maybe you know this, maybe not. But- my friend was (well is) an alcoholic. He hasnt had a drink in a long time - very long, but when he did he was much more depressed - as alcohol is a depressant. So you're taking an anti-depressant, but almost defeating that by drinking A depressant! See what I mean? I know its hard...... but, there are AA meetings and what not to help.
Take Care and If you need to talk-feel free!