walking, but going nowhere

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 8/16/2005 1:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Lately my happy facade has been falling down enough for my friends and loved ones to notice and call me on it. I found myself today facing an apathy I thought I had buried. Despite the sun or warmth of the summer, inside I feel a gray (if you think in colors) weariness. I have dealt with this apathy before, but what bothers me is the depressive dark thoughts it lets through. I oft feel I am fading away in spirit if not in health. The apathy tells me its ok, but I don't want it to be. I'm so tired of this. The world appears surreal in my eyes. Many of you have been afficted of this several times my current life span. How have you dealt with it, over the years. When I think of life continuing this way for years, things just seem frustrating and hopeless. Meds make me feel fake and weirdly apathetic, drugs and alcohol whittle away whats left of my mind and will only kill me eventually, and staying like this will just back me further into insanity. I just don't know what do with things at this point. Argh! Having things be seemingly ok, but pretending to the world is just frustating. What good is having youth and good things if life won't let you feel good. What an abhorrent paradox.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/16/2005 3:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Sending you some kind thoughts MindsEye. You put your thoughts into words very well. I hape you have a therapist or counselor to show a copy of the above post too. It sounds like you are on the downward spiral and I strongly encourage you to get the help of a doctor or therapist. Most of us who have done both are very happy that we sought help.

In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 8/16/2005 12:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Ditto to what Rosie said. I know that I will travel in whatever direction I am facing and often need outside help from a professional to turn me in the direction of light rather than the grey and darkness that surrounds me in depression. Good luck and keep us up to date on how you are doing.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 8/16/2005 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
 I have been where you are now.  I had been buried so deep within myself,... that I could be around people, see their lips moving... but could not hear,.. or feel anything but sorrow and grayness all around me.  I began then thinking.... despair,... want to get out.....
So I realized,... it's time to get help.  I could not believe that just after a few appointments,... I began to understand some feelings.  Knowing that this was kind of normal,.. and I was not crazy,... also helped. 
When I felt stronger, and she helped me recognise, and understand what I was feeling,.. I stopped going.  I now wish I had not stopped,... because once in a while I feel myself slipping again.  But I am in some of the same situations of fustration and stress that had brought me to that place in my mind to begin with.  I am not sure if this makes any sense at all,... but I am trying to reach out to you.
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 8/16/2005 6:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Another thought:
 You have quite the way with putting your thoughts into words.  What about journaling?  When you are in this way,... write down what you are feeling, and what might be bringing you to this frame of mind.  Than later,... you can go back and read it.  Maybe you will than be able to make some sense of what you are feeling,.. and maybe why.  (I should be doing the same actually).  I am always better at giving advice,... rather than taking or helping myself.  You are really scaring me though,... cause I am relating to you... when I had been at my worst.  So even though you havent written it,... I know what you are thinking about... NOT GOOD !!
 So PLEASE   open that mindseye wider.... look around.  I know you are hurting,... but most of us have been there.  We have gotten out.... you can reach a better place too,... if you just try and get some help.  Sometimes we need a little help.  You do not want to hurt your loved ones around you.
 Please open yourself up for help.  By the way,... you could become a writer,... I could feel your every word !
Remicadex6weeks, 6-mp, b-12once x month, lamotil, bentyl, aciphex,Lexapro, And Trazadone to sleep.

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