Posted 4/23/2014 9:10 PM (GMT -6)
First time on here. I've been dealing with some stuff lately and thought I should do some research. I guess I should start at the beginning. In 2005 I met the love of my life. Let's call her "June". The one person in the world who i've truly been head over heels, madly, deeply in love with. This is the only girl I've ever been with who I would die for in a second. We met and started dating when I was 18, and she was 17. We were together for two and a half years. Being a young dumb teenager, I treated her like crap. I was ungrateful, overly jealous of things that were just plain stupid, and I took her for granted. She is literally the reason why I graduated high school. I was on home studies, and didn't have enough credits to graduate. The school gave me a stack of work to do that was impossible for me to complete by the given day. She took most of it and helped me. So one morning, I was asleep and she came over like she always did before she went to tutor for school. I said good morning, gave her a kiss, and laid back down expecting her to do the same. She didn't. I sat up and asked her what was wrong. She didn't answer right away, so I asked "are you breaking up with me?" She nodded. I absolutely lost it. Crying and begging her to re think the situation, but she stuck to her guns, kissed me one last time on the forehead, and left. I gave her her space. I didn't blow up her phone, didn't beg her. But it was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life.
And I deserved it. I was a jerk. All she wanted to do was spend time with me. Love me. But I screwed it up by being a stupid kid. She was the total package. She was a perfect 10, smart, caring. She had her priorities right at age 17 and would've done anything for me. Moving on...
about a month later, I found out that she was dating someone new. She met him at school. I was beyond devastated. I can't really remember what I did around that time. I worked to keep myself busy, and spent as much time as I could with friends. What I put together in my head was this: I wasn't treating her right. Being a jerk. She was going to school, and met this new guy. I absolutely do not think she cheated on me. I do think however, that this guy was showing her the attention that she deserved, and that influenced her to break up with me. I don't blame her one bit. I deserve it. They have been together ever since. I'm sure they'll get married. Soon too, as it's been so long now...
Over the past few years, she's tried to keep in contact with me as a friend. Via Facebook, twitter ect. At first I always denied her requests, not because I was mad at her, but because I simply couldn't handle seeing her with this new guy, and hearing about her everyday life, while i'm over here with a hole in my heart. Finally, on her third or fourth over time, I accepted her request on Facebook, but I immediately "hid" her so I didn't have to see her info. She remains hidden to this day.
Since we broke up, I've had three girlfriends. The first, was a rebound relationship that lasted about 2 months. The one after that lasted about 6 months, and i've actually been with a girl on and off for about 3 years now. The problem is, that I have felt nowhere near how I felt with "June". Every relationship just seems to pale in comparison. I'm still currently with the girl I've been with for about 3 years. She has no idea that I feel like this. I don't want her to know either, because I don't want to hurt her. And to be honest, i'm embarrassed. What kind of person can't let go of a girl who probably doesn't give two craps about? She'd probably think I was a freak if she knew how I still felt about her.
I'll go months without being sad over her. But then I'll hear a song, or smell something that reminds me of her. Then all of the feelings come back, and I feel like i'm back at square one. These past few days, I've been having dreams about her. Dreams where we're happy, and together again. I cry in my dreams because i'm so incredibly happy. Then I wake up.
I can't seem to get over this girl. I truly feel like i'm being punished for losing her. Like, I had my chance to be happy with a perfect girl, and I screwed it up. So my punishment is to unhappy for the rest of my life. I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends because it's been so long.
I'm sure there is much more to this, but it's all I can think of right now. I apologize for this being such a lengthy post. I guess I had more to say than I thought. To be honest, I don't really know why i'm typing this all out. I don't really know what i'm asking for (if anything at all) or maybe I just need to express it in someway. Anyways, thanks for reading.
If someone is reading this that is the kind of person that I was was. (A jerk, selfish, jealous) Stop. Just stop it. If he or she loves you as much as they say they do, then you have nothing to worry about. Because it can all be taken away from you on an early morning, while you're half asleep. And you're life will never be the same. I wouldn't wish my hardship on this relationship on my worst enemy.