Trying To Help My Wife

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/20/2005 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I am trying to help my wife who is sick. She has depression, and has for a while now. I joined a while back. I took the advice here and made her get help with therapy. She is on medication. It is an antidepressant and she also takes a medicine for anxiety called alprazolam.
She is not getting better yet. She has been on this stuff 6 months, and is still depressed. She goes to the therapist, but I have to drive her there. Sometimes I have to go in to the doctor with her, but not always.
She does have some good days now, but not all the time and I would say she probably still has as many bad days as good days.
She is also physically sick with other things too. She is having a hard time now. I am her best friend. Her only friend besides me recently had a heart attack and has a lot of issues with alcoholism she is trying to overcome and has to go to AA meetings, and doesn't get to spend too much time with my wife.
I may have to go out of town for work soon and I am worried about how she will be when I leave.
I am looking for some ways to help her. I don't have any diseases and I try to always be there for her and I don't want her to feel abandoned when I go on my business trip.
I hope that anyone might have any ideas on how I might be able to help her prepare for my absence. I don't want her to get sicker.

Post Edited (Greenman145) : 9/8/2006 7:09:00 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 8/21/2005 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Odes. Wow, your post makes me sad. It's wonderful that you are there and concerned for your wife. I hope she gets better.

I wonder if she needs to try a different anti-depressant. From personal experience only, mine worked within a few weeks but I know others that have had to go through a few before finding the "right" one for them.

I would have suggested your wife join something but I have no idea what physical problems plague your wife. I do know that alot of cities have a depression group though and that might be a place where she could go.

Also, is there any family around that can help you both?
Take care, Softy

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 8/21/2005 1:41 PM (GMT -6)   
smurf  Welcome to the group. I am so sorry that your wife is having so many issues and I must applaud you for your concern and the manner is which you are supporting her. There are all kinds of reasons for depression and I sincerely believe that no two people have  depression for the same reasons. Perhaps if you could share what her main concern is and reason for depression, we could help you better and give you some support in those areas. We don't like to advise,  rather support. You also mentioned that she has an illness causing her depression as well. The medication she's on, also known as Xanax is not an anti-depressant. It is for anxiety. I know cause I am taking that along with a few others. Depression is a very real illness and can ruin a persons life without support and professional help. That too is sad.
Some of us pray, as that is what works best for me. Without the guidance of the Lord, I would be so lost. I was in the bowels of despare for so long and I have to say this is the best I have felt for over 10 years. Due to my strong faith and the support I get here. I give as well as receive. You are a very special husband to ask for help for your wife. My husband wouldn't as he is a proud man. Instead, he does everything for me in showing support.
I will pray for both you and your wife and please post back and perhaps we can assist you further. God bless!
There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/21/2005 10:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Softy and Lefty,

Thank you for your reply. She tried either 1 or 2 different medications a while back, but had bad reactions to them. With the one she is on now, sometimes working and sometimes not, it seems to work all the time when she sees her doctor, so the doctor doesn't want to change it (we have asked).

I have looked for support groups here in my city (on the web and phone book), but have had no luck. Our kids are grown and help somewhat when they can (busy with their own lives), but that is about all on family.

As far as trying to pinpoint a reason for her depression, we have talked about what may be causing it. It seems to be a mystery. She just feels "alone" all the time, although she knows that I am there for her. The therapist hasn't seemed to find a cause yet either.

Do you think she should go to another doctor to get her on a different antidepressant? I'm a little leary of this, as I may be leaving soon and if they don't work well for her......

It is tough trying to support her, not having depression myself and not knowing how it feels. Any insight or help is greatly appreciated.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 8/22/2005 12:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Babymama and Odes . . . (are you the same person?)

If she is consuming alcohol, that is a huge no-no for depression AND with depression medications. I don't know if she realizes the severity of that combination. She really needs to be honest with her doctor about her alcohol consumption because he may choose her drugs accordingly or advise her accordingly. I know this is extremely difficult.

I hope she is able to be very honest with herself and her doctor.

Hugs and blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
Psalms 139
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's, Plantar Fasciitis, Inflamatory Arthritis, High BP, GI Inflamation, Diverticuloses
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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/22/2005 12:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Rosie,
Oops, I am embarrassed. No, Babymama and I are not the same person, that is my daughter. She joined here recently at my request to try to help my wife (her mother). I had forgotten my password and she logged (what I thought was me) into here because she is the computer whiz in the family. I didn't even realize until I read your reply that it had her name on here instead of mine!
Gettin' old I guess, lol.
My wife does not drink any alcohol at all and has not for many years, even before she got sick. I always take her to her doctors visits and go in with her also (to the one who prescibes the medicine). She is always honest with the doctor, I make sure of that! When she sees her therapist, there are times I stay out and other times I go in, but that is not the one who gives her the medication. She always seems better when we leave the therapy appointments, but they are only every 2 weeks, and her good feelings don't always last that long.
Thank you for trying to come up with an answer, but if you think of any other ideas please let me know.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 8/22/2005 6:36 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Odes,

Believe me, my heart goes out to you!  I understand how both you and your wife feel.  My supported my husband through 6 years of depression.  I am a nurse too and because I have experience in psychiatry, I am not sure if the Dr's listened to me more than my husband.  My husband outwardly looked good, well dressed, well kept, but inside he was crumbling.  I believe that there needs to be a balance between yourself, the Dr (maybe a referral to a psychiatrist - depending on the severity of her conditions) and the therapist.  It can take a few different therapists before you find the right match.  If you wife has suicidal thoughts, listen to them, hear her and make sure that the medical comminuty listens to her as well.  That was my husbands' problem, I listened but the Dr's really didn't get how sick he truely was.  I am sorry, but I am very passionate about this stuff, in May my husband took his life.  He had seen his therapist that day (who had been good match), but there were no signs at that time.  Mike decided that he was the cause of all of our problems and couldn't take the despair anymore. 

If it has been 6 months that she has been on antidepressants without much effect then I think you should speak to your Dr about that.  There are drugs that work better on some people, but 6 months is certainly a long time.  Depression is exhausting and unrelenting.  I don't know if I have any advice for you or not, but ensure that the medical professionals are listening to both your concerns and your wife's concerns aw well.  What did help my husband when his depression was at its worst was having him get involved in a community group.  He loved helping out and making a difference.

It is so good to hear that you are supporting your wife, that I believe is the most important key to over coming depression.


New Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/22/2005 8:00 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello Stephanie,

I am sorry for your loss. It hurts me deeply to hear that this happened in spite of the counseling. My wife has not expressed such thoughts to me, but when I am gone for my job and she is really alone then that is my fear. That she will feel abandoned. Our son and daughter live in the same town as us, but have their own busy lives. Of couse they will come check on their mother, but mostly she will be alone until I get back. She will have problems even going to the therapist during my absence because I always take her and she would be too afraid of public transportation. I was thinking of asking her friend (the one I mentioned in the first statement here) to please try to make some time for my wife while I am gone and maybe to drive her to her appointments, but that is a big favor to ask of someone who has so many problems of their own. Her friend also has a job, so I am not sure if she will be able to take off time to drive her. To make matters worse, our next door neighbors that we have known for years have sold their house and are moving soon. There is going to be a "goodbye" party for them next weekend. I know that she is not up to talking to new neighbors right now and this is just one more thing I have to worry about while I am gone.

I am the sole support of our household, and I have no choice in the matter of going away on this trip. Thank you for your reply, and again I am sorry for your loss.


New Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 8/22/2005 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know what is available in your area, or how finances are for you, but what about looking into somekind of agency that may go with your wife to appointments. I am a case manager with Home care and there are agencies that could help check in on her while you were gone and the Red Cross here has volunteer drivers. Not that I want to add to your stress, but what about meals while you are gone? Here there are different meal delivery agencies that will bring a hot meal each lunch hour that if nothing else provides a check each day.
I hope that this provides you some help.
Thank you for you support too.
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