Posted 8/26/2005 11:41 AM (GMT -7)
Hi! I am new to this topic but I have been dealing with this since I was like 10 years old. I need somewhere to go and someone to talk to.
I have been through the hell and back so many times. I am now 24. I started feeling depressed as a child, when my Mom married this ugly man. He made me feel like a piece of crap. Through the years I felt ugly and he told me so. He was an older man than my Mom. There was a 18 year difference. Through the years he began to touch me and do things to me that a trusted parent NEVER should. I was too scared to tell my MOM, it only happened 4 times from 11-17, then I finally told my MOM and I learned why I never would. She left me and made me move out and she to this day lives with the man. He told her he was only playing and meant nothing by it. YEAH RIGHT!! There was no physical evidence, my word against his, so the Police would do nothing about it.
I then moved in with this family I had known for a long time hoping/praying that it would be better for me. YEAH RIGHT, they were mentally abusive to me and physically to the other step boys in the house. I lost the only family member in my life that I loved more than life itself. My Grandmother than I had noone. At this point I did meet a guy, who I am now married to and have a child with but.....
My Dh has Crohns Disease, it has been a marriage in the rocks, emtional and health reason all the way. I love him and would never leave him and want to make this work but it is hard, especially when you are depressed anyways all the time and want to cry every day. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and never come out. He has an amazing family but they treat him like he is 10 years old, it is all about him and his illness, screwe all the stress and pain I go through, taking care of the baby, job, new house, dogs, financial issues (only one working now) on top of how much I dont like myself anyways. Everyone in his family calls him NICKY, has to know EVERYTHING from the top to the bottom. It has always been that way. Does it bother me cause I never had it or because it is not right to treat a 32 year old man 10. When he is ill, the world stops, when I am ill....I continue on with day to day functions. I work for the Govt FD, all my leave has been for him or my daughter and NONE for me, family comes to town, they are out enjoying life and I amworking as usual. DH just got out of the hospital after 6 surgeries and finshed with a Colostomy bag which has ended his career as a firefighter, now I feel bad in all ways possible but the world is just beginning for him, no more pain. bathroom stops 4 times an hour, no more ALL THE TIME hospital stays, this has truly been a blessing in disguise, but yet the family babys his every move. He goes out now that he doesnt have a job and is feeling better and rides his brand new Crotchrocket bike we bought before he got sick, goes out with family gets up when he wants and does what he wants. He now wants and has committed to buying a boat we dont have money for. I am working and taking money from my TSP retirement account for bills and I guess now a Frickin Boat. NOW PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THE TRUTH, AM I DEPRRESED OR WHAT AND I DO I HAVE VALID REASON???
On top of the 2.5 month in and out of hospital and surgeries....My daughter who is almost 2 comes down with a VIRAL infection that cause sores in her mouth, she cries all day, wont eat and or sleep and all she wants is MOMMIE. So I come home from work (0550-250pm), then care for my daughter, then feed her if I can, get her to sleep arounf 1000 and he is resetless crying all night long, get up at 0430 to do it all over again, this has been 2 weeks and no better yet.
Then, on my way to my Dads house on Monday, DH and I were going down the street and saw a truck hit something, we stopped immediately I got out and saw it was a little boy ( Dh is a Paramedic and I am a EMT) screamed louder and lost control of the emtions, I got DH to do Commpressions, I took the MOM and Daughter back and got a NUrse to do breaths. DH and I knew from our experience and what we saw that he was oblivous in HEAVEN already, actually he died instantly. But it was the first Child I have seen this happen too, much less to be there as the whole thing happened. I stayed with the MOM and SISTER till we transported him to the hospital. I feel like crying and I cant get out of my head what I saw and how to process this. HE was only 8, downs syndrome and the most beautiful little boy that died so violently. I would give the world to take this boy back and make things alright again. It makes me not want to be an EMT again, but I know this will get better, I just hope soon.
Then I found out this AM, Grandma has Lung cancer,blood cancer and bone cancer. She is 78, lived her life and knows whats coming. I love her and pray she finds the strnegth to carry on.
SO, there this is my sob deressing story, I am scared and feel alone in this world and I would give anything to feel good again!!!
DX with IBS and Vulvadenyia
DH diagnosed at 17. Currently on Prednisolone, Remmicade, Pentasa and Fosomax.
Bowel Resection April 04, 5surgeries since June 05 for Peri-Rectal CD (newly diagnosed area) Permanent Colostomy July 05