i don't know where to start. i am new here and am not even an english native speaker. i am not sure i can fully describe what i have been feeling theresdays..
ok. it is going to be a long story.
it started again.. i mean my depression.. actually after i quitted my job which gave me too much works and stress every single day and nights. i worked in the model agency and working as an international booker for one year. but it seems like 10 years i worked for this company. staying up all nights and working straight away on the next day, skipping meals were just normal. i worked 18 hours a day. actually i took this job because i was in severe depression at that time. i needed to do something. i needed to change my routine. i needed to stop shaking my hands and overeat at home. so.. that was this job. even though i've gotton lots of stress you would never imagin, sometimes i was humiliated by co-workers but couldn't react anything(i am an asian girl, introspective and somehow i feel like i am forced to be respectful to seniors)
On the other hand, i was trying to get rid of my insecure feeling by making myself busy. i overwork that i don't have to do until night. i took some pills also though, the doctor didn't let me know what ingredients i am taking. i changed a doctor and the second one was better so i took it for 2 months and after a while it seemed to me that i was getting better. so i quitted taking pills.
symtoms at that time : paranoid, crying for nothing all day, can't concentrate besides working(for example, i used to like to watch TV show and listening music.. but at that time i was unable), can't read letters on paper. they look like some pictures. sometimes over-reacting. very insecure, anxious, cranky and feeling guilty, that's why easy to get anger. can't control my temper.
sweat too much, can't sleep
but tried to forget or ignore these symtoms by making myself busy and push myself not to think about anything else.
well... so after i quitted my job(i couldn't take it anymore but apparetly i had to stop to go to work because the company just closed) i had plenty of time. travelled, stayed home doing nothing and time went by.... what made me suprised is that i recently realised that i never smiled for last 3 months since may. even on my traveling, i wasn't pleased. almost of my free time, i have few things in my mind.
1. i have to do things, this and that and this....(i am a planmaker)... but i only think it..lying on my bed... for almost half of day.
2. i don't have any will and energy to do it.. lets call it off. do it tomorrow... then i plan again.. it's like "i open the book page3. skip the instroduction. use highlight pencil to unerline... i finish untill when....) i only think it..lying on the bed again.
3. i couldn't do it again. i feel like i am a looser.
4. what's wrong with me?
All these thoughts are coming and going in my brain on the bed...
actually, phsically too. sometimes i don't have any energy to do.. even grap a piece of paper... after a while, i realised this is a different kind of depression.
symtoms at this time : sleep too much, hard to move, hard to do something, apathy for everything, not interested in anything, don't want to do anything, feel like my body is a ton weight. no cry, no smile, no friends, no joke, no react to anything. tired as hell.
my face is rigid. so is muscles.
so i went to a doctor that i used to go a year ago. i explained this is totally different depression. he gave me a pill. i mean only one kind of pill. take half of it in the morning and afternoon and take 2 pills in the evening. i wanted to see if the pill works on me or not though, i didn't have time to see. i had to leave.
now i am on business trip. i really didn't want. i wanted to avoid this by anyhow. but couldn't say no to my boss. i have been to few clinics(one oriental clinic and other few more clinics...) took bunch of pills and came to shanghai, china. everything is messed in this company and my boss expects me to set it to right. you everyone know, when in depression, pressure is killing me. i don't get as much pressure as my other co-worker gets though, i just hate this disorder and mess. i used to love traveling and love to learn new things and cultures, but now i just want to go home. want to escape from this new enviroment. it's been just a week here and 3 weeks left. last 3 days, i started to go crazy. wander all day on the internet to find someone to talk. i mean it doesn't have to be about depression but i started to feel insecure again and getting be paronoid. send an email to anyone and check a replay every 5 mins. what is it? is the depression in last summer coming again? then my pills wouldn't work for this situation?
symtoms now : sleep ok. can't study(i need to take a toefl in a month to apply for school). don't even want to touch books, spending all time on the computer(looking for someone i can talk with), smoke every single min. too much caffein, shaking hands and body, paranoid, don't want to listen and talk about work, crying in the morning, feeling looser.
all reminds me one person that i really disdain. about 3 years ago, i had a relationship with someone who was a psychopathologist.
he had a depression and was paranoid all the time. violent, abuse me and stalking me for a year after we broke up.
i have tried to be free about that memories for last years though, still i feel guilty about things happened and i can't forgive myself maybe.. even though the victim was me, not him. just can't forgive myself that i did horribly stupid things.
And the most thing that can't make me move on is that i feel like i am going to act exactly like him.
what if i become like him. just trash and useless man without any hope..
Thanks for reading a long stroy. if i were good in english, i could make it shorter with words. sorry about it.
if anyone can give me a small advise, very appreciated.
Post Edited (proveimnotalone) : 8/30/2005 8:19:59 AM (GMT-6)