Can I Quit Now?

Hello all.  I am new here to these boards.  I was looking for somewhere to vent and someone to understand, and this is where I ended up.

Let's see, where to begin?  I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 7th.  I am beginning to wonder if I will make it another week!  I saw her once before and she diagnosed me as bi-polar.  I am not sure that is what is really wrong with me.  Anyway,   I only saw her the one time.  The meds she put me on, I found out could destroy my liver, and so I quit taking them about 2 days after starting.  That is scary to me!

I was taking Cymbalta for a while.  I really liked it, but it gave me horrid night sweats and nightmares, so the family doc took me off of it.  I have been completely off of meds for 6-8 months now.  I thought I could do it, but I just don't know any more.

I am overweight, have no energy or drive to do anything about it.  So many depression meds make me gain weight, it is hard for me to accept that I may just have to be "fat and happy".  But I guess it's better than being fat and miserable, which I am right now.

A little over a month ago we moved into a new house.  I thought it was going to be our dream come true.  This, too, has turned into a nightmare.  In the first week, we got locked out because of a broken door lock, and blew up the toilet.  It literally set in the middle of the bathroom floor for over 24 hours.  Okay for the boys, but I had issues with where to "go"!  LOL!  Now, Katrina has brought us the rain, and we have a leak in the ceiling!  I guess we are in a year contract here, but I am looking forward to the year being over, so we can find something a little better suited for us.

I have an 8 year old son, a son who will be 6 tomorrow, my hubby, and myself.  I have issues with my in-laws, issues with my own extended family, and issues with my new neighbors (who want to tell me how to do everything, like they have no idea how I existed for 29 years without their help!).  Anyway, I guess to sum it up, I just have issues.

We just got an 8 week old German Shepherd puppy about a week ago, since we couldn't have a dog in the apartment that we came from.  I have waited for a dog for years.  I thought this was going to be wonderful for the depression, but I think the stress of everything together has only made it worse.  I want to give up.  I dispise getting out of bed every morning! 

My boys are home schooled, so I am with them 24/7.  I love them dearly, but I feel like they are little leeches, draining everything out of me.  I need somewhere to hide where it is safe and quiet.  Most of the time, the closest I get is bed!  I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know I need help.  I just want to sit and cry.  How do you go on when it feels like there is concrete weighing down your every step?  I believe in God, and know He is allowing this heart ache for a reason, but stupid me just can't get the lesson in it.  I figure if I could learn the lesson, then He wouldn't have to keep trying to teach me, and maybe it would get easier.

Please, if you have any advice, I am open to hearing it.  Thank you for the time you have taken to read this.  God bless.

Thank you for your response, Rosie.  It is greatly appreciated.  I will try making that list and see where we get. The homeschooling thing is something that I absolutely refuse to give on. (We have attempted public school, which is more stressful to me than home schooling, and can't afford private school - I WISH!)  This year is actually better than previous years, because my 8 year old now has a computer cirriculum that he uses, and it is AWESOME!  I believe he will benefit greatly from it.  It has Bible, history, science, math and language arts included, and I feel he will learn so much.  Although,  I am having a hard time getting him to concentrate.  He wants to race through everything and be done.  But that is something we are working on.

The puppy, well, I just paid $250 for her, so I'm not sure I can justify to hubby getting rid of her at this point.  Honestly, I felt like God was telling me to wait, but I felt like I had waited for 6 years, and I was done waiting.  My stupidity for not listening to God.  But then again, when we took this house, I thought God was telling me to do it, and now, as miserable as I am here, I am beginning to think that I have no idea what God wants for me, and there's no use trying to do it right, anymore, anyway.  It all just turns out like dirt, no matter what I do, or what I try to do.

There is so much that is going on right now, I can't remember the last time I had time alone with my husband to feel loved and protected by him.  I can't remember the last time I had time away from my children to regather myself, and it doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon, either.  What's a person gotta do to get a break sometimes?

Oh, well, anyway, thanks again for listening.  Maybe if I can make it through another month, then the meds will work, or I will be doing work with the doc that will help me get to feeling better.  I do honestly know that I am a passive / agressive person.  So I let people walk all over me until I get to the point where I feel like I am going to explode.  That is where I am now.  I feel like I am going to explode.  My father, mother, neighbors and children are walking all over me, and I have had enough and feel like just leaving them all behind.  Why is it that they all think it is okay to take advantage of me all the time and then when I do go off because I can't take it anymore, they label me as a "b"?  Why am I such a wimp that when they make requests of me that are too much for me to handle, that I can't say no without feeling like a "b"?  I really want to quit this job!  It just doesn't pay enough!

Thank you so much for your post, Coquitlam.  I appreciate all of the feed-back I am getting.  It's nice to be somewhere where people can understand me.  God love my family, they love me and put up with me, but I don't think they understand me!  I hurt a lot for my children because they have to deal with my moods with no understanding of why.  Bless their hearts!

I have seen the psychiatrist that I will be going to on the 7th one time before.  It was then that she diagnosed me as bi-polar.  But to be completely honest, I had self-diagnosed myself with bi-polar before I went in, and I think maybe the way I answered some of her questions could have been misleading (how-ever unintentionally).  I am going to be honest with her about that when I see her again and am going to be open minded about what SHE the DOCTOR thinks I may need.  If she thinks I need meds, fine.  If not, that is fine too.  I know that I was seeing a psychiatrist before her that was only interested in what meds to give me, not in any type of therapy.  One of the reasons that I decided to give this woman another chance is that although she prescribed meds for me, she was very quick to point out that I also needed "talk therapy", and she would be happy to provide that for me.  This seems like the wisest decision for me at this point, because my family doctor is frustrated with prescribing different meds every time I turn around and want me to see someone trained in the brain department.

I finally got to talk to hubby for a while tonight about what is going on.  This house is not what we thought it was when we got it.  There are little things about it that make it less than ideal for us.  Not the least of which is living so far from all of our family and friends and giving up the convenience of where we used to live.  With gas prices the way they are, we are being eaten alive these days, due to the drive time to do the littlest things, like grocery shopping, ect.  One HUGE problem I am having here is that our neighbors are very nosey and intrusive.  They have children who are about the same age as our own children, who are not expected to follow rules in their home, or in ours.  And these people want to tell us how to do everything from how to put our children to bed at night to how to mow the yard, to how to interact with our family.  And they've known us less than 2 months!  I can't get over the audacity!!!  I think I was feeling trapped and terrified that there was no way out, and I was stuck here to deal with this for the rest of my life!  After talking to hubby, he was very compassionate about it all and said that we would work on finding somewhere to live back where we came from.  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.  I feel like smiling now for the first time in over a week.  Thank God for that man!  I don't know what I would do without him!

So now, enough of that.  I have to ask, where did you get your screen name?  It sounds Indian.  Hubby is part Cherokee, and we are fasciniated with Indians.  Got a living room full of them!  LOL! 

Well, thank you again for the advice, and just for listening.  God bless you all so very much!