MeNtAl BrEaKdOwN

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/31/2005 3:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
   I am sorry it has been a while since I posted and I hope you are all well,  You have been in my thoughts.
I have reached the end of my rope and don't believe I have much more to give.  The last time I posted I asked my husband to leave, because I could no longer take the emotional blackmail, but the stupid person I am I did and he didn't leave. 
He finally checked himself into a mental hospital.  I thought this would be the much needed break and he would start getting the help he needed.  I guess he is getting the help he needs, but not without stripping me bare. 
I am being pulled in every direction...  My husband is still ringing his other woman from the mental hospital, because I am getting the $500.00 mobile phone bills.  He keeps blaming me for everything.  It is hard, because our son wants to see his father every weekend, so I drive 1 hour to the hospital and 1 hour back 1 to 2 times per weekend. 
After three weeks of being in the hospital the treating doctor invited me to attend a session with my husband.  Now my husband told me he talked about the other woman, because he was confused on what to do about this.  The doctor asked me how if I was confused about the way my husband was treating me.  I said I was finding it hard to be supportive, when my husband was having an affair and rubbing the other woman in my face.  Naturally my husband lied and had not told the doctor about her.  The doctor asked my husband if he thought what he was doing was wrong and my husband said no he has done nothing wrong and immediately starting digging into my and how it was my fault and everything that has gone wrong in our marriage is my fault and that my mother told him what a bad mother I was and how I treated him badly.
The doctor said asked why he intended to do about his family and wife and he said he didn't know he didn't love me, but he didn't want to lose his son.  Again the doctor said what do you intend to do, but my husband refused to own up to anything he had done wrong.  I was devastated that after 3 weeks of being in a mental hospital he has resolved nothing and is still projecting his guilt onto me.  The doctor in the end put it down to needing relationship counselling.  I don't understand how this is going to help us when my husband refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing.  Am I suppose to walk in the counselling and say I am the one to blame for everything!  Trust me I have already done this and it does not satisfy his need to berate me over and over again for complaining about the grass not being cut ( mind u I cut the grass). 
If this wasn't enough my mother in law rings to ask how I am doing.  If I don't say great she says you need to be strong for my son.  Why thanks for asking how I was.  I see I have to be strong for your son, so he can work out his mental problems while destroying my mental health.
My husbands brother's ring and say are you going to work this out!! Again it is all up to me.  It is so much easier to make me the scapgoat for all his problems.
Cousins just be strong for both of you and make sure you are strong for your son. 
Everyday I get calls how is he, because my husband refuses to talk to anyone in the family, so I am continually punished, so they can get their updates. 
I am tired of hearing his affair is acceptable, because he is not himself. 
I am getting no rest.. I work full time, so I get up at 5.ooam to make sure my little one is ready for pre-school or grandmas house.  I have been given a massive project at work with tight deadlines and don't feel like I am delivering on my targets.  I get home cook, play with the liitle man, have a panic attack when I know my husband is going to ring to tell our son goodnight. Put our son to bed and then begin cleaning or washing or any preparation for the next day of hell.
Please don't get me wrong a little hard work never hurt anyone.  I am just not coping with the constant mind games.  My husband attended our nieces fifth birthday party on the weekend and I had to drive him back to the hospital.  The whole way home he told me how all the patients at the hospital wanted to jump him and how irresistable they find him.  He was so sad looking at the party and all the way to the hospital he was chatty and laughing. 
I am a walking zombie.. I merely exist to take care of my little boy nothing more.

New Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/31/2005 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kita..Im sorry u are feeling so down.  You need to stay strong for your little one.  It sounds like u need to set some boundaries with your husband and his family too.  I know his family is concerend with his needs but you have needs too and you need to take care of yourself.   right now your priority should be you and your child. You shouldnt have to put on a brave front for anyone (except maybe your child, you really dont want them to see mom upset all the time).  Try and do something for yourself.  Get out and take a walk, call a can get through this.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 9/1/2005 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I wish I could be more helpful. I can say that it can take a long time to realize the problems lie within ourselves and not others. I am not one to advocate the destruction of a family, but I would also ask you to look within yourself and see what you want to do. It is OK to let the phone ring and call back family members when you feel up to dealing with their crap. When the MIL calls and as how you are doing, ask her how she thinks you are, and what she would do if it were her trying to deal with a loved ones lies, unfaithfulness, and denial (sp?). Good luck and I hope you find relief for yourself soon.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating:

Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 9/1/2005 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kita,

I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you.

It sounds like your husband has a big support system. What about yours? Who is there for you? You can't take care of anyone else until you can take care of yourself. It's okay to say "no" and set boundaries. Its time for you to respect yourself and then you can demand it from others.

I have learned that it's not important who mowed the lawn, who did the dishes or who vacuumed last in a marriage. It's important that both partners are getting what they need emotionally, physically and mentally. A big part of that is respect and it goes two ways. The fact your husband has "another woman" tells me he doesn't respect you or your marriage - unless you have agree to have relationships outside of your marriage and both do so.

Unfortunately when we're depressed we often don't have the energy to fight. My advice would be to do what you need to take care of you and your son. Build a support system for yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Then when you're strong face your husband and his family with a well thought out strategy including boundaries. Remember you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but you're own (and your son's), especially not your husband's. As wives we spend too much time feeling responsible for other people's well being.

Good luck and keep checking in for support.
Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/6/2005 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all,

  I have had a few days to really sit and think about things.  I don't know at what point I didn't matter anymore.  I was stupid and let my husband convince me this is of my doing. 

I told my MIL that I have had enough yesterday and haven't spoken much to her since.  The thing is she wasn't upset by what I had to say. 

I realise all the people in my husbands family have not contacted my husband they have let me be the messenger and dumping bag for all the crap.  I felt I had to protect him, because I love him.  I realise now it is all one way and that I need to love myself first.  I am working on that.

Sad Kita

Nicky (coquitlam55)
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 9/6/2005 9:45 PM (GMT -7)   


The first step is realizing you need to love yourself first. The next step is doing it.

Good luck!

Coquitlam55 (aka Nicky)
"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." --Helen Keller
I try and remember this each day I have a headache that I'm not sure I can overcome.

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