Posted 9/4/2014 8:08 AM (GMT -6)
I can't live like this anymore.
The pain is unrelenting. Nothing seems to be heloing anymore. And with the pain and lack of sleep the depression sits in hard and seems to have to intention on leaving.
I don't go anywhere or do anything anymore. I am not doing anything productive anymore...
My anxiety was totally under controll for so long, and now its creeping back up more and more everyday.
I'm 29 and feel like a dying elderly person, who just won't die but suffers everday instead.
And people, they can be as bad as the pain.
They expect you do be this way, or not to do this or do this.
And don't admit your screw-ups to anybody, its just leads to more criticism and hurt and being made to feel even worse of a person.
"the one with no sin cast the first stone"....do know what happened to that theory.
How do you find the motivation to just keep on? I have no SI, or anything like that, but this existing in constant physical and emotional pain, how can anyone keep doing that forever, with no end in site.
physically I've had more pain, complications, anaphylactic reactions, ER visits, med changes, and now scheduling yet another sugary(so another 6 month recovery ahead). Usually I need to be pretty strong emotionally go get through these surgeries well, and I'm not there right now.
I just wish someone out there could say "i know its hard, I may not know exactly how you feel, but I do know my story. lets do this together" or something. I've lost all my friends. I just talked to my best friend/mentor growing up, and apparently in one of my deepest depressive states, I called her or something, ( i really don't remember), and she told me once she had kids she was afraid for them to be around me, that she didn't know "what stunt I would pull next" and that i hurt her. She felt like I was intentionally playing with her emotions, and she put so much time and energy into me that I was just taking advantage of her.
Its been almost 10 years and I never knew she felt this way, just knew she had stopped talking to me in every form. Its hurts, because I would never do anything in the world to hurt that friend, and I wonder if that's why so many other people have just left me high and dry to do this alone.
HOw to repair such things? You can't just say, "that wasn't me" or whatever bc they were hurt.
and after things like ECT, meds, and maybe a subconcious choise, I litterally can't remember the things I may have done to hurt people. I had no clue I called said friend that day...no i wasn't druck or high, it was the day my seizures started, so i don't know if that play into it,
but this thing called depression, and Chronic Pain has ruined my life, and I just want it to go away....