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Posted 9/17/2005 11:28 AM (GMT -7)

So...of course I'm back again after a really long & somewhat disatrous summer. I had a part time job for a month and got fired before I could start my 4th week. It was horrible (& it was Starbucks). The employees didn't train me very well with some of the positions, and I think that was the only main reason that I was fired. (It also had to do with being on the stupid register!)  the customers hated me as well & kept yelling at me (one of them said that I deserved to be fired). I even had a hard time concentrating in general. I kept fighting on and off with my family, and it seems that everyone is getting sick and tired of someone who has social anxiety problems & can't cope with real life.

I'm starting to think that I'm being punished for being such a failure & everything. And I think it's true. I'm 21 and I don't have a job or a life, & still in a small college without a degree. The medication I'm on (paxil) doesn't seem to help and I'm really at my wit's end, so to speak. I seriously don't know what to do.

Posted 9/17/2005 12:25 PM (GMT -7)
I would talk to your doc about the med. It can take a few tries to find the right dose or drug to help. I wouldn't let one small hiccup in life define who you are. You are not a failure or being punished. I felt that way for 40 years and am finally realizing that I am ok even with the skeletons hiding in my closet. I am now able to pull one of those hidden demons out of the closet and face it, and finally cast it aside. Good luck and don't be a stranger.
Posted 9/17/2005 8:31 PM (GMT -7)

Hi CBlue,

Keep your spirits up. Not all of us were meant to work at Starbucks. Focussing can be difficult when dealing with depression and can take a long time to come back even if you're recovering.

I'm with Randy and your medication. My sister was on Paxil and it didn't seem to be working. She talked to her doctor who upped the dosage and changed when she took it and she's doing great now.

Focus on the positive things your doing - like going to school and taking classes - and keep in touch

Posted 9/17/2005 9:22 PM (GMT -7)
Hey C-Blue! Sorry to hear about all your recent troubles but don't give up! Ok, so you didn't do so well in Starbucks but don't let that get you down. Im sure you can find another job out there that would be better for and you'd be a lot happier in. My friend had similar troubles with jobs in the summer. Got fired once and quit like three times. All and all, he found a job he loved and was glad it worked out the way it did. As for your family, i know it can be difficult and it may seem that they don't care but its not true. When we have hard times it seems like no one cares, the world it out to get you, and you cant do anything right. You aren't a failure, you do have a life and you aren't being punished. Its great to hear that you are going to school, some people don't even bother going into college or have a serious medical condition that does not allow them to attend.

Don't worry about still being in college though. I went to my friends graduation and there was an old lady like about 70-80 years old that had graduated. It was her life dream to finish school but she had many issues (medical & single mother w/ children) and she kept having to drop out. It doesn't mean you will still be in college when you are 70 but just think that if she could do it then so can you! :-)
Also i agree with others that you should go speak to your doc and let him know that your med isn't working. Well, sorry i cant be of more help but I know things will work out for the best. Remember, try to keep your chin up! Good Luck & God Bless!

-Jon
Posted 9/25/2005 2:35 PM (GMT -7)
Hey Blue,

Just wanting to encourage you!!! The others gave you some great advice!

I hope you'll post again and let us know how you are doing.

Blessings!
Posted 9/26/2005 8:11 PM (GMT -7)
Just doing a quick update. I've been having those ups and downs, but all in all, I'm still a confused and emotional wreck. My older sister is currently visiting with my niece & has this chronic depression with a hint (I can't believe I mentioned the word "hint") of schizophrenia. I don't know what she or if she's taking anything, but whatever it is, it isn't working. She's just as miserable as I am and I don't think I'll be able to see her as my dependable big sis anymore. I can't even talk to my mother and father anymore without having another arguement. I can't even speak to my father because he's an arrogant and overly critical human being who thinks that I don't have any common sense or a sense of humor. I'm starting to think that he's right, but he's the one without the common sense.

I seriously don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about anything and I still feel alone.
Posted 9/27/2005 2:20 AM (GMT -7)
Well, I think you have common sense. You are in college and you seem able to identify a horse's a__ with no problem. That's a lot better than many 21 year olds are doing. I think I also saw some humor--your dependable big sis who's a "hint of a schizo." It may or may not be schizo, but you description of the situation created a great mental image.

Your world won't get better in a hurry. It doesn't work that way, but you are very lucky to be so young and looking for relief, instead of stuffing and ignoring things. I was 46 when I began looking. If the problems I had at 21 were anything like yours (and they may have been), I really complicated getting better, by waiting an extra 25 years to do something responsible for myself.

Your school probably has a contract with mental health counselors that you can talk to a couple times for free. Why not start there so your brain doesn't get filled up with your dad's critical thoughts and you can get some direction that match your pocket book and needs.

Also, like the person above said, talk to your doctor about your med. That might even be all it takes for you to make handling things easier.

bev
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