I'm sorry you're feeling low. We understand. Can you seek counseling before January, as these holidays are HARD on the strongest constitutions. We all realize, though cannot discuss, what statistics show this to be "The Season" of. If you cannot get an earlier appointment, please seek a local pastor or regional mental health professional. They will offer counsel without judgment.
I would think your feelings are justified with such an immense upheaval in your life. PLEASE KNOW that you will work through this, and become even stronger. Do not dwell upon those dark fantasies. They can be seductive. Please get out of your head and your house, go for a walk...any physical activity will help you. MAKE YOURSELF stay busy, whether with your work or volunteering. You need people. Many people need YOU. Reach out. We're here cheering you forward.