Posted 12/16/2014 8:56 PM (GMT -7)
Hello everyone. I'm new.
I'm 32, F, just ended a seven year relationship--for a lot of reasons but essentially b/c we'd been struggling for a while--we really needed counseling, and even though he "loves me to death", he wouldn't go to counseling with me.
It's been almost two months since I moved out of our home, and into an apartment. I used to be a funny, happy, interesting person. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm this walking ball of anxiety and despair. I can't even go to the store without crying. I feel I have no purpose anymore. I wake up and stare at the ceiling, thinking maybe if I wish hard enough, this terrible reality I'm living will be replaced with my old one. Maybe I will be back at home, things will be better...this was all a bad dream.
My mom died of lung cancer in Feb 2013. My sister used to live here, but she moved far away last winter. My boyfriend was my family. I have friends here, but I'm not able to be a good friend right now--I know I'm a major downer to be around. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my friends. I can't laugh or have fun like I used to. I have a business that's just me--I work alone--and I can't find the motivation to do the work. I'm so lonely, and so sad. I feel utterly, completely lost in life. I've been under so much stress for so long (all through my mom's illness too), I just don't know what's left of me honestly. I feel like everything I was is gone, and all I feel is the weight of my misery. I can't believe the person I've become. I can't believe how much this hurts--how I can feel it, literally, in my heart. All my friends are married and have kids. And I'm alone--lost--profoundly sad. I've gone through bouts of depression before, but these are by far my darkest days. This is a new, and very scary, low. I've never felt this hopeless before. The last few years have put me through the ringer. I don't know how to find joy in anything anymore.
I don't know how to keep doing this. I don't know how to move forward, my spirit is in pieces. Every day I just wait for it to be the night, so I can sleep and escape my life for a few hours. I'm falling apart.