I started getting depressed around 5 or 6 years ago (27yrs or so). I never paid much attention to being single because... I just never cared. I had a great group of friends and was fine with being single. I never really dated or had a "boyfriend," but only because of my insecurities.
All of a sudden I started feeling so "awkward" around my friends. Just very insecure like thinking they didn't like me or want to hang out with me. I started voicing my concerns or confronting them and it got kind of annoying to them.
1st of all, I had no self-esteem. I do have a small amount now and it is getting better but back then, none. Now I at least have the feeling that I have the right to be alive. Anyway, for some unexplained reason I just kept pushing my friends away. And then I would get paranoid that they would think I wanted pity or that I wanted attention so I just cut them off and talked them out of feeling bad for me. So long story short, for years I just had no friends. I went to work, home, work, home. I worked at an office with like 10 other people and I won't tell you much about
it but there was no relationships at all... I mean we didn't even have Christmas parties, so very private.
So then my mom got really sick and had a stroke, went to the hospital, was took out of the hospital at the request of my older siblings and against everything I thought should happen. Was put back in, had more strokes, put in a home, was kicked out of two homes for not cooperating, and then put in a home far away from where she lives. I've watched her just being buried alive by my older siblings who from day one have said she was going to die and here it is 5-6 years later and she is still alive and being neglected because my older sister has poa and is not taking care of her and has written off the rest of the family.
Then during this, in 2012 my brother committed suicide. Then the first "boyfriend" I ever had just was not it for me, I really tried but I did not like him and we had only dated for 2 months and I broke up with him just before my brother's funeral. 6 months later he was engaged to a girl he met a work and 6 months after that they married.
I called one of the old friends who tries to keep in touch with me and she freaked out and sent me to the hospital. I moved in with an older lady at work who was like a mother figure to me and tried to get back in to friend life after that. I saw a therapist but can not afford to go often and I do not have ins. Now I have my own apt and am trying. Still being single has made my self esteem start back at empty and I don't know what I am missing that I just can't get out there and get a boyfriend, lol. And I am not picky, I mean come on at 33 I can't be all that picky.
I have a better job with more people and we have staff parties but we all don't really like each other that much and would never hang out after work.
In conclusion, I still just go home and to work, home and to work. I have tried to go to church and sometimes make it and have tried to go to a small group. It is hard to get back into group activity I feel retarded... that is a real word and I mean it in the dictionary form (seriously look it up it fully encompasses what I mean) I joined a gym but I am just lacking something....??!?! I have not been able to make any new friends. I am even applying to do foster care but I work full time so it isn't like I can do mommy play day with stay at home mom's.
Lamely, can you help me make friends?
Can you tell me what you think I am missing?
I'll admit, depression can border on lazy if gone on too long but I recognize it and try to reverse it. Anyway, I appreciate you time. much like to you all
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/19/2014 3:00:18 AM (GMT-7)