Posted 12/22/2014 6:26 PM (GMT -6)
I'm a new member and not really excited about it coz it means I'm not ok. I just want to share my feelings and maybe someone out there has a similar situation. I feel that what im going through is not too much of a big deal as i browsed the forums and saw really serious issues. I just want this out of my chest since i dont have someone to talk to.
Anyway, December is a very depressing month especially if you're 30, JOBLESS and ALONE. I’ve been jobless for a year. I don’t have a job, so I don’t have Christmas bonus or any money AT ALL. I lived inside my room for a year not seeing anyone, no friends, no neighbors. I live with my parents and they've supported me ever since. I am actually thankful for my family for being here with me and not pressuring me.
My being jobless was a choice. I used to work in one of the top companies here in the Philippines for 7 years in the marketing department and im really good at what i do. However, i've decided to resign because i was no longer happy with what im doing, though i mentioned i was good at what i do, doesn't mean i'm happy doing it. I got to the point that i was mentally tired and wanted a job that doesn't require too much thinking. It was a tough decision because i was 29yrs old then and normally at that age, i should be climbing up the corporate ladder to a more senior position. But i didn't see myself going that direction. My boss has big plans for me and is about to promote me. That didn't excite me at all, it scared me all the more because i didn't want additional responsibilities plus the fact that someone will be under me.
I was really struggling at that time because of if i leave my job, i had to give up the life that I'm used to, i had money, i had savings, but not enough to support me until i grow old.
I was pressured at that time, i was 29 yrs old and im alone, don't have a boyfriend. All my friends and officemates were getting engaged and married and i feel left out. I always look at myself and realize that i'm not ugly. I actually have the looks but im not really sure why nothing works. I've had 3 boyfriends and long relationships, but after my last boyfriend last 2007, i've never had one ever since. I dated after that but nothing really works. I think one reason is because i was cautious when it comes to choosing a partner because of my parents' failed marriage. Anyway, i also thought my job was in the way of me meeting new people because i was always busy.
I had to evaluate myself and think what i really want to do for the next 5 or 10 years. When i graduated, i actually have big dreams, i imagined myself working in one of the big TV stations or advertising agencies in the US, that's why im an advertising graduate. I was that typical Filipino with an American dream because i watched a lot of movies, MTVs and HBOs when i was younger. I actually had a plan, i'll work here in the philippines for 5 years to gain experience and then look for a job in the US. I tried applying for jobs in the US but it's really not that easy, most positions that they require for immigrants were skilled workers like Engineers, Hotel workers, Hospital workers. Corporate positions were not one of them. I was depressed at that time. I really wanted to go to the US and start a life there but there's no way given that no job opening or even company to sponsor me based on my experience. I had the money but not enough for me to migrate , i was depending on the company sponsorship. Then i stopped trying.
Then come December 2013 when i felt tired of working in the corporate world. I knew what i wanted, i want to travel the world and work while travelling and have my own family with 2 kids. That's my dream, until now. So what i did was apply for a job in a cruise ship, trained for a year as a pastry cook, because i love desserts. The idea of baking and travelling the world excites me. I was also hoping that i'd meet my future husband there. I was ready. But then, until now, im waiting for my contract, i already completed my requirements and also US visa, i actually thought i'd celebrate Christmas in London, Australia, or maybe US. But im still here waiting for my joining date. Impatiently.
That's why i don't have a job, because im expecting for a job contract in P&O cruises, i followed up and they're also waiting for go signal from the headquarters. I'm waiting for 6 months already.
Now, I live here with my parents house and they provide for me.
I’ve cut all means of communication, no phone, no Facebook, no Twitter, no home address. The last time I decided to exist I told my friends I’m migrating to Canada or maybe in Australia, with all the kangaroos and koalas. No one knows i changed applied for a job in a cruise ship because i was worried they'd judge me because i chose to work as a cook rather than climb the corporate ladder, they may think im a failure in my career and my personal life. But im sure i really wanted to travel and working in a cruise ship was one way of fulfilling that dream. I didn’t want anyone to look for me, calling me and knowing my status. I just want them to know that I’ve move on somewhere out there, away from home, kicking ass in some corporate office in Canada. But I was just here, in a small town in Manila, inside the four walls of my room.
I wake up every day thinking what movie to watch , and then I find myself watching TV series, season after season until the day ends with me still wearing my PJs. Yes, this is the life I’m living now. I’m a worthless pathetic loser wasting my time watching HIMYM, Big Bang Theory, Walking Dead, Grey’s Anatomy and more. I got hooked with Grey's Anatomy given the many seasons they've been airing the show. I got so hooked, i lived and breathe the show. I downloaded all seasons from 1 - 11. I finished the 11 seasons for only 2 weeks. There were days i dont get to sleep because of watching the show. sometimes i only sleep for 3 or 4 hours. And then the day came when the show had to stop airing for the holidays and continue next year. I got really depressed. I actually watched all seasons again, and then i finished it again for 2 weeks. Now i have a hard time sleeping. When i wake up at the middle of the night, i think of the characters. I think of the actors and i was actually jealous of their lives. Rich. Famous. Married with a happy family. I also wanted that, that's the dream. You know that feeling when you really want something but there's no way you can have it. It's so painful.
Im not really sick or depressed, i just want something really big to happen in my life. I feel stuck. im still waiting for a job in the cruise ship. Im still praying for God to bless me with a loving husband who will build a family with me. Im afraid to grow old alone. And i really hope i'll be able to see the world. i pray things will get better. I really feel miserable and useless right now.
I don't really know what help i need. But definitely, a prayer would help. I pray for contentment and joy. I pray for strength to move on with my life and a job in the cruise ship so i can start again.
Thank you for those who took the time to read this very long post of mine. I felt a little better because i had no one to share this feelings with. My family doesnt know what im going thru because they see me as a strong person and i dont want that to change. I dont want them worrying about me.
Thank you and God speed.