Hello Everybody...Just trudging through the muck and the mire of chronic pain and depression/anxiety. I've just been feeling sorry for myself. I'm older than dirt (according to docs) but do y'all remember the song "Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I'm going to the garden and eat WORMS!" I seem to feel that way more days than not, especially with family. I've been eating a lot of "worms" between doctors who don't seem to care...and family members who (I now believe) never have.
Karen...Your post about your sis caught my eye and my heart. I'm sorry that you feel second fiddle and/or taken for granted. It hurts, I know doll baby. Why does it have to be SO HARD to say what you'll do and do what you say? I take no prisoners of folks who make a "commitment" and then make excuses as to why they "couldn't" honor it. I often feel taken for granted.
Ironically...I may have posted last month, well March now actually, I was going through the HELL of Fentanyl patch trial (6 weeks of torturous SEs w/no relief). My older sis knew I was SO LOW, yet...She called on a Monday night to say she'd be here on Tuesday (from 2 states away). Huh? What? Why? You're not coming to help me and I can't cater to your wants, so why? My DH and I are just trying to survive through failed pain management attempts that have made me WORSE. Of course I don't say "no". We always give her our bed, because she is "needy". We slept in the floor for 7-8 days (yep). Can you begin to imagine what that did for my spine/joints? She also knew it was just a couple of days since Synvisc shots in both knees. I wasn't supposed to be on my feet (or in the floor ) Long story short...IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I then had to drive her 4 hours roound trip to meet her husband half way because she had doctors' appointments, had vertigo and nausea. Um-m-m, sorry...but what do I have and again, why did you come here?
I am not cold-hearted (anything but). I am taken for granted time and time again because I allow it.
Fast forward through Easter, when I discover my older brother (as always) isn't coming when we're all together for a holiday. Instead, he's coming 2 weeks later for my mom's 89th birthday (r-i-g-h-t). I posted last year around this same time about my mom's abuse on her 2014 birthday, when (as always) I had to do it alone. Back on point...He tells my mom he's coming for her birthday. In her cognizant moments she was repeating that he was coming for her birthday. As per his usual, he cancelled until Mother's Day.
I was dreading the intense work involved (and lack of gratitude) of preparing basically an "open house" for almost 20 people in and out all weekend. BTW, I've weaned off the Fentanyl and I'm awaiting genetic testing for med metabolism...still amongst walking dead. My DH and I were trying to pace ourselves after full work days to get the house and yard to meet expectations.
I had told my brother that I would prepare big ole country breakfasts like my mom always did. BUT...I would be exhausted, so ALL would have to dine out for nightly dinners. Ooo-o-o-o-o-o! I was told last Thursday by the sis who just left, that she and her assininely rude and hateful husband are coming on Mothers' Day too. Huh? What? Why? I can't DO THIS AGAIN...Give you my bed and rearrange my sanity to accomodate y'all. I'm dying here, dang it!
FWIW...I had BEGGED them to come all Winter, but no...We spent holidays completely ALONE. Yet, when Spring comes and we are even MORE overwhelmed with 2+ acre lawn to keep...It's convenient for them to visit, whether I'm dead or alive. COUNT ON DIXIE...She'll make it happen!!! It's magic how she can get it all done...until now.
I have been so devastated by my health issues, I need a hospital stay with an IV. I'd self-admit if my lifelong PCP were still in practice and by gosh he'd keep me there, too! My DH and I have stressed out with spiking HBP for him and just hopeless devastation and HURT feelings for me. I am NOT able to do this. Yes, I put on happy face, but what does it take to see beyond that facade? I know...I allow it.
I sent all parties involved an ecard that basically said, "I'm sorry y'all, but I have to cancel any plans y'all have made for Mothers' Day. I am not well." I cannot risk external outbreak of SHINGLES that continue to RAGE in my bloodwork (for which I am taking yet another round of 7 day Valtrex). "I am stressed out of my mind and unable to host all of you. I will not be able to do so next weekend or even next month. Y'all do whatever works for y'all".
Yippee-Ki-Yay...I've gotten nasty emails from most. The others have made no contact...My brother just texted me to tell me he's not coming to MS because he can't trust me. huh? I didn't extend the invitation, nor did I encourage their grandiose plan of gang banging me and DH for a long weekend of fun in the sun at Dixie's (where they complain about EVERYTHING)...and even make a mockery of my Froto feet. My toes are twisted and gnarled from rheumatoid arthritis. I get pedicures of Bubblegum Grape or Teton Turquoise and try to laugh it off, but ALL OF IT HURTS me...DEEPLY.
I'm sorry. I should click "delete". I don't post much here any more because I know that my life is far too graphic for most folks to read. I, too, want "positive" in my life and I DO struggle to find it and focus on it. Yet it seems that in my family I am the annointed one to care for everyone but ME. I know I should love myself, but I don't.
Too much whine, with no cheese and proscuitto, dang it! Pitmom...I love your gardening adventures. I've said so many times, we could share some stories. Is the lot next to you still vacant? I may have to relocate far far away after this "perceived" mutiny. Your post made me smile. I've liked you from the day we "met".
Sorry Joan...Boy do I sympathize with all things IBS (I Be Screwed) with lifelong GI issues. Keep up the swimming when the drizzling dissentaries subside. We've just gotta, friend.
Hey Y'all to everyone else! Sorry I mucked up the check in with my drama.
Post Edited (Dixie6) : 5/5/2015 7:59:07 AM (GMT-6)