Hi, my name is TT. I am a 43 year old female. I have been suffering from the following symptoms for the past ten years:
debilitating pain in my lower back, hips, legs and feet
major fear of incompetence
sleeping over ten hours about
every other day
low self image
negative beliefs and thoughts about
lack of confidence
panic attacks and anxiety
racing thoughts of worry
feelings of being a failure
scared for the loss of life or injury of those that I love
going into “attack mode” when feeling overwhelmed and being around the negative attitudes of others (never ever physical)
using alcohol marijuana and cigarettes to relieve stress
unable to trust my own judgments and decisions
unable to have successful dating or intimate relations with males
These issues began in 2006, the year that my boyfriend broke up with me (he could not deal with my ex husband’s relentless pursuit to “break me”), my grandfather passing away, my father passing away very unexpectedly, and my ex husbands relentless custody battle which at this time had me in court for four years (the court battle continued for an additional eight years thereafter this particular year and my ex husband is an extreme narcissist, liar, manipulator, control freak – I eventually gave up the battle because I could no longer emotionally or physically or financially fight him in court). Prior to this year, I was a stable mother, a creative designer, confident, passionate, strong, independent, loving, caring, ambitious, goal oriented, positive, spunky, ray of sunshine, social butterfly, and emotionally able to conquer any of life’s hurdles kind of girl.
Since that year, I have been fired from 4 jobs, I can not get to work on time or seem to get out of bed every day. The chaos of the court battles and incompetent court system ruined me financially and emotionally, I lost my house, I lost my great job, I lost primary custody of my son, I lost my identity as a mother and as a good person in general. I think of myself as nothing but a failure and if I could only get my spirit back and my motivation that I could do anything in this world and bounce back… but I have not been able to do that since 2006. I buried myself in drugs and alcohol to hide my pain and lack of competence, and have suffered extreme depression, pain and anxiety on a daily basis. Every day for the past ten years has been a struggle to get out of bed and go to work or have a life outside of my home (social life is nonexistent). I now live with my mother (who is also depressed, negative and low self worth and was never emotionally taken care of as a child or adult) and my elderly grandmother. I have sold every single thing that I own just to keep my lights on or pay my bills (not for drugs) and rent a room in her 3 bedroom townhome. In 2013 I started dating someone who broke up with me only after 3 months (I was trying to hide my true miserable self and appear to have a great life and be positive for him, I probably tried too hard and was too desperate, I am sure that was what he saw in me), I was so devastated by the rejection that I ended up being so obsessive about
what was wrong with me and could not concentrate or hold a thought or go forward in life and forget him that I was such a wreck one night I ended up going to a bar and got so drunk that I got a dui on my drive home. I thank God that he stopped me from driving because it could have been so much worse as I blacked out just before hitting the highway.
The trail just keeps on going. I never seem to catch a break and am emotionally unable to get my act together. The depression is so debilitating, and I never have any money because I can not hold down a 40 hour a week job, I have no life outside of the four walls of my bedroom, no hobbies, no passion for anything, I get withdrawn in crowds of people and avoid social situations as much as possible, my smile has turned into a permanent frown. I can not shake the feelings of hopelessness and despair that the world is unfair to me, and I give myself anxiety and panic attacks just by thinking about
being a professional designer again. I do not feel that I deserved all of the pain that life has thrown at me and do believe myself to be a very moral individual, a fantastic mom and grandmother, and a very good and trusting friend to those that I let in to my heart. I am surrounded by very few loving friends, but I can not bring myself to have consistent communication with them due to my never ending problems, and sometimes just avoid their calls all together. However, they think I am one of the best communicators and give them such great advice and they come to me a lot for my opinion, but I can not even help myself. That’s just weird!!!
Lastly, let me make it very very clear that I am not now nor have I ever been suicidal. I would never do that to my children and hurt them like that, nor could I ever do that to myself. I have a high faith in God and just want to find a way out of this trap of constant hell that I live in. I am so hurt and so sad every day and still grieve the loss of my father. As well as the loss of my own spirit. I do not know where she went and I need to get her back and I need help to do that, without taking prescript
ion meds as I prefer the holistic approach, nor can I afford to. I am making myself so sick and I am so tired of feeling this way and self destructing. I desire more than anything to be happy again, to get back into the professional swing of my career, to do great things for others that have been in my situation, for my family to be able to feel safe to trust my guidance again, to build a deeper bond with them, and to see me being able to take care of myself. My children have lost me for so many years that they are now adults. I just want to be free of this pain and be ME again…
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/6/2015 12:51:07 PM (GMT-6)