I have been reading posts from someone in particular tonight; which brought me to another level of my own healing. We can not change the past; no matter how terrible it was. Yet we can take the power within us to strip away the past 'hauntings' and allow something good to penatrate into our lives each day.
Some of us have had an empty cup of joy for a very long time. But each good thing; no matter how small is a drip into that cup. One day the cup will no longer be empty; and might even be 1/4 or even half full. That is a whole lot better than empty.
I changed my name tonight in honor or moving forward from three past events that had haunted me for years; before counseling helped me let go of that pain, and the unforgiveness of myself it caused me. Yet I will never ever forget it; and will always feel that shadow of the experience every now and then. But those are only shadows of a past gone; and choices made from another place in my life; not who I am today.
I struggle still with other sorrows and sadness that I have no control over. Real 'feeling' people do. But I am thankful I am still 'feeling emotion' enough to acknowledge this sorrow and pray for or reach out in love and with compassionate words or action. We live in a very sad world. All around people are trying to 'feel' happy. But what is 'happy'? Is it free from the struggles of death, sadness, crying, or pain of life? I am realizing that in the real world of here and now there is no freedom from that. Being alive, one can not escape those negatives of life.
Perhaps the journey is not all about
'feeling happy', but about
the strength we gain from our inner faith to keep on keeping on; and loving in the midst of our own difficulties. In the midst of that loving ourselves and learning to live with 'who we are today'. I know I need to do that each day and not keep trying to escape from me anymore. It is tough to do. But maybe I have to try harder to live with 'me'.
God knows the struggles I deal with daily; and yet...I am faced daily with someone elses struggling. Yesterday and most days it is my eldest son; living in his own prison of past choices from drug addiction and dealing. His heart aches for his past that he can not change; and the wife he lost in that world. We both ask ourselves and each other at times "is it worth it to keep going on?" Yes. it is not our choice when we leave. We have loved ones who care for and need us as much as we need them. There may only be a handful of people that we find pure joy in-but this is our lot for now; I tell myself. It will get better; and it will get worse. But we have made it this far through many storms; and sun will shine in our hearts and minds again.
My younger brother still lives in daily unforgiveness for the death of my older brother-33 years ago. Alcohol covers it. His heart is broken...... My sister has never been able to let go of the love of her life husband that commited suicide-33 years ago. Anger, and accusation's feed her often. She is still broken. My youngest brother broke somewhere in childhood from the loss of a father in his life. Alcohol medicates his pain too.
Today I called my mother, 78 years old after seeing a disturbing email message from her. So distraught, hopeless and tearful she was. Sick from aging, past choices, painful from ailments, frustrated with failed treatments, discouraged with life. She is 1,000 miles away!!! I yearned to run to her and hold her. I truly hate being so far away from her at this time in her life; and being in the throws of my own emotional healing and physical weakness. She feels broken from her own past.. I feel the need to get down there and help her; yet know the toll it will take on my mind and body to get there. I need just a little bit more time. But I needed to calm her down and hang up; as I had a commitment to take my 86 year old aunt out of town today. This is my mom's sister.
See; there is always someone out there; broken as we are. In need; striving to make it through another day.
I have my down days as well as most of us do, more than some of us; and probably not as often as some. I hate when they come upon me; and feel as though I can't go on another or take another breath here. Then reality hits-'life'. Breath..someone needs your breath today.
They need you too....
So....I babbled and rambled....someone will 'get it' though.
Post Edited (3Shadows) : 7/2/2015 9:08:03 PM (GMT-6)