Hello everyone, my name is Cathy and i'm 23 years old, i'm new here and i really need to share my short story with someone because it's driving me insane.
I was 21 when i met the man of my dreams. He is 3 years older than me and he has severe depression and social anxiety pretty much all of his life. I met him early in July of 2013. When we met we instantly started talking on Facebook with him flirting really hard with me. After some days of talking he asked me to meet up cause i was going on a three day summer trip coincidentally where he was for the summer too. I didn't know he was there until i told him i was going there and he asked to meet. That night after being together drinking for almost 4-5 hours i told him that i really liked him and he said that he can't give me anything at that time, but he likes me too. Later on i apologised for making him feel uncomfortable, and he explained that he can't be in a relationship now because he is depressed. Since that day we kept talking again everyday for 6 months.
In that period of time at 4th month i entered college. And by 6th month we ended up together. He told me things will be hard because he is really depressed but he wants to make things work out with us. We had been together for a year and 7 months and it has been the happiest period of my life. I cannot think that i was ever happier. Things were not tough at start as we were on our honey moon phase everything was great, he even started college (in the same one as me) with me (who by the way dropped out of 2 years ago because he was depressed). Also he is a proffesional musician but this he studied at another college. As time passed by he introduced me to his mother and his 2 siblings and later on to his father. (He comes up by divorced parents who were never there for him, his father has another family too). We used to live together at his house 4 days a week and we made plans for the future too. Later on he showed me that he has a drinking,weed, and smoking addiction which i was ok with but i tried to encourage him to cut off only to see that this was possible for a small amount of time and then he used to fall on the addictions again. Still i was really in love with him with all my heart.
After four months of us together and him in college his social anxiety and depression got really bad that he dropped college again and after a month i dropped college too but because my family couldn't pay the fees anymore. He thought that i dropped oute cause of him but we passed this over as i showed him that it had nothing to do with him. Our relationship was nothing "special" as we didn't do much due to he didn't have a job apart from playing music in some places from time to time for little money. I didn't have a job either, so we were counting on the money or family could offer us. So we used to stay home playing online games all day long and him smoking weed and drinking beer all day till he falls asleep, then we get together for 1-2 days where i was staying at his place to sleep then play again games, watching movies and series, having sex and eat. Very rare we would go out with his frinds. Once a week we used to go out to clubs to listen live music and maybe him playing with bands.
This routine kept going for a year and two months. From the start of our relationship he kept saying that he is making me bored and that i don't deserve such treatment and this makes him feel really insecure and bad about
himself. We were really close, we never fought, we talked everyday even when there is nothing to say we talked for hours. 4 days ago we went out for a drink then as usual we ended up in his place. Everything was ok we saw a movie, had sex etc. The day after was also as usual and then at night he drove me home. I was feeling a little bit sad because at time to time i get so afraid that i might lose him that my mind is having bad and paranoid thoughts about
him and us. He always insisted that i share these things with him and that night i did and he said that he loves me very much and he'd never leave me and i just have to calm down and think straight. So after a day we went out again everything was perfect well at least in my eyes, so we grabbed a drink and a park and started talking. As i mentioned we don't have many things to say due to the fact that we are now at a state of life where we do nothing and we have no goals for our personal success in life. Well we do, but we don't do anything to achieve them. He was really nice to me as always hugging me, kissing me he didn't show me that something is wrong with US but he told me that he is miserable with his life and he worries about
his future and not being able to offer me everything i deserve. He told me that not being able to offer me anything not even the smallest gift was depressing him so bad that he couldn't do anything to make his life better for both of us so i'd be proud of him.
I always told him that i'm proud of him and he is the one for me,(he also believes i'm the one for him) and that i don't mind him not giving me gifts and stuff because it's difficult for both of us since we have no job, and he said that he minds that. He isn't that kind of person and that he can't be like this anymore. So he tells me that our relationship has reached a dead end.
I was devastated when he said that and asked why. (We had previously agreed that after this summer and by September we would start together the achieving of our goals, me getting back in college by studying and giving exams and he would do something with his musical career.) He told me that we need to break up because we have to worry about
ourselves us individuals and figure out what to do with our lives for the future. My heart was aching so bad that i started crying. I was asking WHY?Why can't we work this together!!!??? We drove back at his place to talk some more. He cried so much and said he loved me and i don't deserve such treatment and he need time to figure what to do because he is getting 26 at the end of the month and he has accomplished nothing. He also said that i'm the girl he wants to marry but he ruined everything and i was the only girl ever in his life who received such bad treatment. He gave me back my ps3 and he drove me home crying. He also said that i had some more stuff in his house and offered to give me back but i refused leaving the impression that i will get them back some other time. We hugged and kissed a lot while crying. So yesterday, one day after our break up i called him at night i know i shouldn't have but after 2 years of talking everyday i went crazy not having talked to him. I just asked him how was his day.
He told me that he was ok, really sad and that he watched my favourite movie (500days of summer), (which previously i wanted us to watch together but he didn't want to see it cause he'd fell bad.) He asked me back about
me and then we hunged up. After two hours i texted him (again i know i shouldn't have) and told him i feel the need to talk to him. He came online immediately and we talk for about
half an hour (he said that we shouldn't talk much for a while).He told me that he wanted to talked to me all day but he kept saying to his self that he'd do that later. I told him that i needed to know if he was sure about
his decision and that i was sorry for my mistakes, and he said he didn't want us to break up at all,that i was perfect with him, he is sad all day thinking why did he do this, but he had to for the best. I also wanted to know if this was forever and he asked what do i mean? I told him if there's a chance of getting back together and replied that this is his dream he doesn't want anyone else and i am his motivation to get better, he says he is afraid that maybe someone else wins me, but i told him that this is not going to happen. He keeps saying that this is what i say now and in some time this will not be what i think, and he is afraid that i will leave (but isn't he the one who is pushing me away??).
I told him that i will not go anywhere and that i will be there for him for everything he needs. Then he said that i will see that there are far more better guys than him. I told him i don't want to break up, i don't want anyone else, we can work everything together. And he said that we are puzzel we complete each other and he loves me but we have to think ourselves seperated and think about
ourselves while we are on each others heads. And i told him that i know we can work this together not now but in time and that my head is full of him and i can't think of anyone else so don't push me away. AND HE SAID "I'M NOT PUSHING YOU AWAY, TRUST ME TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR A WHILE AND IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN (getting together again) IF YOU STILL WANT TOO, I PROMISE". I told him i will always want to and he insisted that i will not be like this in a while.(Why????Everyday i fall for him more and more). And i told him why can't he be the one who will not want me?
And he said that we will see who wins (him about
me not wanting him or me about
him not wanting me). He also told me that this is not a forever break up and that he is having only me in his mind and dreams himself as a successful man in order to see my smile again. Then we agreed that we don't deserve to never be together again and said a romantic good night. Today we didn't speak i decided to give him space and don't contact him again, but i really REALLY WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. I'm hopelessly romantic and i believe that love can do everthing and last even with the hardest situations. I'm really sorry for the really big post and my bad english but i'm desperate. I don't eat, i don't sleep i only cry and wait for the day to end. Do you think we will be together again?
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/17/2015 6:09:39 PM (GMT-6)