Posted 8/20/2015 11:18 AM (GMT -7)
I've been wanting to ask for help for a few years now but have not known where to go or who to talk to about this so I'm hoping that maybe some of you on this site can help me. I've thought about posting about this before, and have even typed out most of it, until I felt ridiculous for thinking about posting my problems online. But now I'm getting so tired of always feeling like this, so here it goes.
I'm 18, and a few years back, my family faced some pretty severe issues. As a result, I'd constantly feel like crying. I'd lock myself in the bathroom with the sink running so my siblings couldn't hear me break down, I didn't want to eat dinner because I was afraid if I opened my mouth that I would start sobbing. I felt like I was in a very dark place. Everything was so gray and gloomy, and I was so lonely. I had just moved so I didn't have any friends or my parents. I thought my family would never be the way it used to be. I just had no hope, but I focused on school which helped a bit.
Fast forward a few years, and things turned out okay. My family reunited, except for my dad, who was serving time in prison. I was back with my friends, was excelling in school, and felt happy again. But this happiness and independence only lasted for a few months. Suddenly, I began getting waves of those feelings of loneliness and despair and loss of hope, and I had no idea why, which made me feel even more hopeless because I didn't know how to fix it since I didn't know what the problem was. I was often absent from school, lost motivation, and began putting things off until the last minute. Luckily, I would regain that motivation just in time to complete assignments and managed to keep my grades up. But it was so unpredictable and so incredibly frustrating.
These ups and downs went on for about a year. After the school year finished, I managed to get a job, my father was released, I met a great guy who I loved spending time with, and my family was happy again, despite financial struggles. I felt good, I felt busy, I felt motivated to go to college. Then my father began drinking again and started having major aggressive mood swings.
Now for this past year, those ups and downs have been going on again. I can't really explain the feelings, but it's like I'm constantly sad and upset and I have no idea how to get rid of those feelings. I just wait for the storm to pass and pray that it will pass quickly and that it will not come back. I can't even make plans because I have no idea how I'll be feeling that day at that time, if I'll feel like getting out of bed. Some days, however, I feel great. I feel independent, motivated, and excited for the next chapter of my life-college. I remember how much I have to be grateful for. I'm going to my dream school, my family is together despite my father's issues, I have a great boyfriend, great friends, a bright future, so many blessings.
However, on the days that I feel down, it's like none of it matters. I'm no longer excited for college. Instead, I'm dreading it, I'm dreading not being with my boyfriend or friends, I'm dreading how everything is going to change. I don't feel like playing the piano, which I would be able to do for hours and hours and feel so happy doing it. I don't love learning like I used to, I don't read for fun, I just can't seem to enjoy anything. I overthink everything my boyfriend said or didn't say, and convince myself that he doesn't feel the same way that I feel about him, even though I know I'm being irrational. I have even broken up with him before, only to end up feeling even more depressed for what I've done, but it's like I can't control it.
For example, once when he said he was tired so he didn't want to hang out, I took it as him not feeling the same way about me like he used to. I broke up with him, partly wanting him to show me that he still had feelings for me. He texted me later, begging me not to go through with it. I convinced myself that if he really wanted to be with me, he would call me or see me in person. Since he didn't, I believed that he didn't want to be with me.
Every day I feel so empty, so confused, so lonely. I get angry at myself for being so dependent on my boyfriend, wanting to be his whole world. I get angry at myself for not being interested in learning or in any of my hobbies. I break down and cry because I have no idea how to stop feeling like this. Sometimes I can get myself to do something, just by telling myself that I'll only do it for a few minutes, since getting started is the hardest part. However, I feel like everything I do is to get rid of these feelings, to heal myself, instead of doing them because I'm really interested in them.
These gray storms are so unpredictable and I am so stressed out and sad and feel like I can't control anything. I am at a loss of what to do. Sometimes I wake up dreading the day to come. I pray every night that I won't wake up feeling like that. When these moods hit me, I can't eat anything because I feel sick and like I'm going to throw up.
Could I be depressed? Is there any hope that life will get better and that I'll feel happy again?