I wish I had a dime for everytime I wanted to give up. I ran into a guy years ago who was disabled from a motorcycle accident. He said if he had a button to push to end it all, he would have pushed it a million times over, but yet, he's still here. So, I use his button analogy so when I say I want to push the button, that's rock bottom. I don't know what gets me up again. I guess I just keep thinking, if I push the button, then, that's it. There's no way anything will ever get better. At least with each awakening, there's always a new possibility of hope.
I've talked to my doctors about my depression. They always just want to put me on new meds, which I won't do. about 3 years ago, my cervical cancer went into remission. At that time, I bought a brand new 2003 Ford F150 truck. I've always wanted a lifted truck. I couldn't afford it because I live on SSDI but bought it anyway. I've built this truck into a magazine feature story and award winner. It's the best distraction for me. Alot of people donated equipment that's on it because they heard my story. I have nerve damage on my spinal cord that affects my arms plus I have Fibromyalgia. I did the paint work on it myself and alot of the mechanical stuff. I taught myself everything. I even taught myself to rebuild the top end of my Miata motor, just to keep my mind of everything else.
Since we have to live with depression the rest of our lives, find the biggest distraction you can find. Something that will keep your mind off everything and throw yourself into it. I recognize when my depression gets worse because I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to stay home and never leave the house. I literally have to force myself to get out and I'm always glad I did. It still doesn't make it any easier though because this weekend, I have to force myself all over again.
Just know you're not alone. We're all here to listen. If you need a shoulder, just email me anytime.