I can already tell that this forum is going to be a good thing for me. You each gave me something I've lacked for a while: a thoughtful response to my feelings.
I didn't realize how fortunate I am for being self aware, so thank you Kevin. I've been looking at this as a negative because I feel I know what I need but I just don't have it/don't feel like I can do it - that in itself makes me feel pretty bad. But self awareness offers me direction, which is a must. So thank you for that perspective.
Thank you pitmom for your tidbit about
the pajamas. I stay in pajamas every single day and I know it's a terrible way to start off. Just hearing that any other soul in the world has this issue makes me feel better. My rational brain knows a lot of depressed people have trouble getting themselves ready for each day, but my depressed brain always tells me that I'm the only loser sitting here in sweatpants for days at a time.
I've read a lot of articles about
mindfulness, and I've tried it without much success. It wasn't the practice that didn't work, it was my execution of it. Once I'm in a depressed loop of thinking, I don't feel like I deserve to separate myself from it and I usually don't. I need to do this more. I have two children. I'd like to be mindful with them especially. I don't want to lose out on my kids because I'm sad, or sick, or both.
I'm really ready to climb out of this hole. I don't think I've ever "recovered" before - I think I just got better enough to stand myself. I want more than that.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and the information you've offered me. It truly was the relief of my day to read them.