Posted 2/10/2016 9:04 AM (GMT -6)
I've been struggling with depression on and off since I was a child but it's gotten harder the older I've gotten. I'm at an age that everyone says is "prime" and everyone tells me I'm young and I've got time, but I've lived so many lives in this lifetime. I feel decades older than I am. I think back to when I was a kid, even a teenager and things were just so easy, even with the depression I faced. I didn't have so many expectations for myself. I was driven and I had goals but there wasn't so much pressure. I'm heading toward my late 20's and I'm not at all where I want to be. I know I shouldn't but I compare myself at my age to other people close to my age who are famous. I've always wanted to be a performer, an actor and a musician and I am capable/talented and I have plenty of material, just no outlet for it, no one to market me so it's all sort of in vain. I've made 5 records in 5 years and I have nothing to show for it. People are getting married, owning homes, starting their lives, reaching their goals. I'm working a job that pays well, but in spite of my accomplishments and the brief success they've brought me, I'm right back here in my home town. I can't help but think back to my past, when I was 17/18 and before. When I wasn't so fraught with anxiety and physical pain. When trips to the beach or haunted trails with my friends and family weren't a second thought. I enjoyed the ride, enjoyed the company, enjoyed the event and the food/drinks I had to, from and at the event. Now I have to watch everything I eat because I get nausea and headaches and acne and bloating and indigestion if I eat one little piece of something I shouldn't. I can't relax, just zone out and enjoy being in the experience. My anxiety goes through the roof and I feel queasy and like I have to sit on the toilet. I get shaky, I get nervous and fearful and that causes more physical symptoms. My past memories are so much greater than any memories I've had over the last 5 years. I've enjoyed some times in my life, but those memories are clouded by anxiety and depression and the feelings of phantom illnesses and the worry of being sick, the worry of dying. I used to just enjoy things. Go to concerts, go out to dinner, go to the movies, whatever and whenever and now I work overtime and when I do get a chance to go out, I can't relax because my stomach feels like it's eating itself and the knots tighten tighter and tighter. I know there are a lot of root issues that have caused me to be in the position I'm in, but a lot of those things are out of my control and I literally can do nothing about them because they were the result of someone else's actions. My family is disassembled, I have no stable home and have not had one in 6 years. One of the people I loved most in this life is gone. I am so alone at the end of every day. This isn't who I want to be, this isn't where I wanted to be at this age and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better and its driven me to a dark place.
All of this is sort of masked by the fact that no one would suspect I feel this way. I am muscular and fit. I am masculine and have been called "handsome". My body and my mind/soul are not one. I am weak. I am tired and I just want to go to sleep and live 10 years ago over and over.