Posted 2/10/2016 11:17 AM (GMT -6)
I've posted a little bit here in the Ulcerative Colitis forum but i recently found myself here.
Starting Dec. 29, 2014, I found myself in a relationship with an awfully depressed person. With this being my first relationship, I quickly fell.
I've always had a protective personality and because of that we seemed to work really well together.
He needed a lot of help from me, and I was always there to give it.
He got really bad about 2 months in, however. He threatened suicide multiple times, got mad at me over absolutely nothing, etc. I still stayed with him and helped him through everything. After he recovered from that episode, he immediately went into the most lovely-dovey state ever: "I want to marry you, let's plan our future..." etc etc. Of course, I went along with it. I practically loved the boy.
Fast forward a few months, he visits the college I'm studying at, decides to come here for Fall 2015, and that's where it all happens.
about 2 weeks into that semester (we would have been dating approx. 8/9 months at the time, he calls it off.
yadda yadda I wont go into detail because meh.
This absolutely crushed me. I've been doing awful since then. I can't sleep, I can't eat, sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I haven't cleaned my room in God knows how long and my head constantly hurts. I'm a 4.0 student and I can't even go to class half of the time. I have the worst thoughts that I didn't even know I was capable of thinking. I guess I just feel trapped in a big black hole. I've tried to do some old hobbies, hang out with my family, but when i get back home and i lay back down in my bed alone, i lose my mind and i was just bawling until that puts me to sleep. I've spoken to a Dr., got on lexapro, took myself off of them because I had this sudden feeling one day "This isn't too bad, I can do it!" - worst idea ever.
I'm speaking to a therapist, it seems like it helps but nothing is changing it also seems.
My thoughts are getting worse and I've hurt myself a few times and I'm just so scared. I don't know why. I constantly have thoughts of him... dying because of what he's threatened before. I talked to my mom about speaking to a psychiatrist but it hasn't happened yet. I have friends that try to help but I just want solitude. Everyone tells me "time heals", but it's been 6 months. My mind is so dark and I'm so scared.
Sorry for the long post,
I just don't really know where else to turn.