Posted 2/12/2016 10:54 AM (GMT -6)
I've been depressed about the issue I'm about to share for months. I'm a bit reluctant to write about it, but have decided to just to simply "Get it Out" I have nobody else to tell my feelings to so, here goes.
My hubby and I have been together for 18 years. Married 10 of those years, we took our time and did our best to be sensitive to his 4 children and didn't rush into getting married until they were a bit more grown up. Fast forward to today, he and I are both now retired and 61 years old. The 4 children are now grown and three of them have children of their own, and have blessed us with 7 grand-kids.
The 4 adult children are now:
Daughter, 41 mother to 4, a wonderful person with a good husband both successful and all children are thriving well.
Daughter 39, not married, has a daughter 5 years old. She works very little, lives off the system as much as she can, gold digs guys she dates, lies to her father about her employment and attempts to borrow money from anyone she can, has huge sense of entitlement and no desire to ever obtain employment full time.
Daughter 27, not married, two daughters 4 & 6, works as a nurse teaches at the junior college, is attending college to obtain a masters degree and works a third job when she can fit it in. Her daughters are thriving and well balanced and very happy.
Son 27, twin to Daughter 27, not married, has a girlfriend, lives and works happily in Idaho.
The issue at hand:
The middle daughter 39 is the problem, issue, or what not. She was a big challenge from the time I met hubby. I actually was with him for nearly two years before I met her face to face. It was when she contacted her dad to reel him back into her life so he could give her money for her wedding. It was a nice wedding, we never received the wedding pics we ordered through her and paid for. As expected by most members of the family, the marriage lasted less then a year. Weeks after the wedding, she went back to her prior ways, being absent in our lives. Years ago, this behavior of hers actually never bothered me. She is a very difficult person to even be around. She is phony, manipulative, self-serving, conniving, and she lies. Her other family members recognize this, more so since they all have gotten older and became more aware of how she is choosing to live her life. Her sisters and brother graduated from college, obtained jobs, they pay their own bills, buy their own homes and don't live off the system or expect other people to pay their bills. She attempted on occasion to borrow money from them, then resented it when they started telling her no.
So, the short version of a long story....Hubby and I had been living out of the country for several years and returned to the states about two years ago. During the time we were away, Hubby would make visits on a regular basis to spend time with his children and the grands that were born. We would send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, I would make a quilt for the grands for their arrivals into the world. As the kids and grands got older, as hubby and I did, we decided to move back home to be near the kids and grands. *with me so far, hope so* So we moved back "Home" to be able to do this.
A few months before we arrived home, during one of Hubby's' visits, something went very wrong between hubby and the middle entitlement daughter. The phone calls and the photos of the grand-kid all suddenly stopped, I asked "what happened between you and daughter"? he responded that she wanted him to give her money and he wouldn't. She had no job and wanted to take her baby daddy back to court for more child support. Even her mom phoned hubby asking for money, he told his ex wife, he will help daughter in other ways, but wont pay for a lawyer. I don't blame him. (the baby daddy is a good guy, he was paying the max child support he was ordered on time she was simply being greedy) Also, about this time, hubby helped middle daughter finance a home for her and her two girls. She needed help getting the house because she had gotten behind with her student loan payments and hurt her credit. She was now paying things on her own on time, but needed help with the loan. In my opinion, I think middle daughter got mad at her dad because he helped her sister get her house. Hubby would help any of his kids, but to sign for a loan for Middle entitlement daughter would be a financial disaster because she wouldn't make the payments she doesn't work a job, doesn't intend to. It's a very sad situation, I wish I could some how give her some guidance or be a friend to her, but she wont let me in.
Over the years I've reached out to her, I've invited her to lunch, to go skydiving with me, go shopping for shoes etc she'd accept but then ignore my calls and texts when it came time to set a date and time. After a while, I basically just give up!
After we returned from living away Feb. 2014, all the kids were happy to see us, they made a effort to re-connect with us, welcomed me into the fold, as did all the grand-kids. Except that is for middle daughter entitlement.When Last Christmas 2014 came, we spent time with all of them, even middle daughter who we had to phone multiple times to get her to fit us into her oh so busy schedule. We gave grand daughter a bike. We never saw it again after that day. In fact, since then, we have seen the two of them maybe 5 times in the last two years.
This year Christmas came, I made a big girl quilt for grand daughter, as I had for the other grands, made a effort to text daughter entitlement to ask what little one would like from Santa (from Grandpa & Grandma) she told me Barbies. I had hopes we'd get to see the two of them and have a little time to enjoy family togetherness. The presents were wrapped and remained under the Christmas Tree until I took it down Jan 6th. No word no nothing from daughter. Now mind you, she lives 10 miles away, one street over from Youngest daughter.
Hubby texted and phoned Middle entitlement daughter regarding "getting together" after Christmas, she responded by doing her Phony ACT of being all happy to hear from her Dad, "Oh yes we must get together Dad I have a gift for you" then she simply ignored his texts and didn't phone him back.
The first week of January was the 5th birthday of middle entitlements daughter. Hubby assumed we'd be invited for the birthday, at the very least, we'd bring Christmas and birthday gifts to the grand-kid then Hubby decided. Again, Hubby texted and phoned, only to receive a reply she'd get back to him, but again, never did. I have to admit, it hurts me also especially now that a little girl who is our grandchild is a part of the equation. I'm lost for how to even process all of this :-(
My issue is I am appalled, even the most distant family's try to have 30 minutes to include even the least loved member of a family during the Christmas season, at least that's what was done where I came from. Her dad is a very respectable person, his other kids love him, people love him, he's a nice guy. He paid his child support on time, helped all his kids when they needed help. Bought all of his daughters cars and fixed them when they wrecked or they broke down. I don't understand how a daughter can be so heartless. I just don't get this daughter, treating him like total bird poop. Her actions speak volumes, and scream, your not even rating an after thought Dad, I have no time for you even at Christmas and I have no need for your Christmas Gifts or Birthday Gifts, plus, I don't want you as a part of my life or my daughters unless you give me your money. I have no clue how to even feel about this Daughter anymore. She actually means nothing to me now. But, because she is my husbands kid, I have to accept her as a part of my life and extended family.
Her Dad is the kind of person who, in a case like this, will go on and act like nothing is wrong. To me, I feel hes condoning her ignorant disrespectful behavior. She is nearly 40 years old, I realize she probably wont change but I just don't think "ACTING LIKE IT'S ALL OK" is the right approach to this. Something needs to change, this Grown Daughter needs a wake up call. Next week her dad is going for a biopsy for prostate cancer. Needless to say, I'm worried and extremely concerned for my husband. Plus, I in my heart of hearts would like to see this situation rectified some how, parents die, then there is no more time for talking. I'd hate to see this daughter have to live with the sad regrets I've seen friends of mine have to shoulder because they waited to long to visit their parents or forgive them for something they did or said. Crying at funerals because your sorry after the fact is just so unnecessary, I don't want that for her. I know we can't save people from themselves but I just can't help wanting to try.
I can't pretend things are OK. When I next see her, I don't know how I will be able to pretend she didn't hurt my husband, and also me. Plus the disrespect is so wrong, I feel. It hurts my feelings that she is holding my grand daughter hostage from her dad and me. It hurts me more to know she has hurt my husbands heart. My problem is, I defend the people I love and honor when others hurt them. It's hard for me to not want to defend my husband in this case but it's his own daughter who is the one dealing out the pain, time and time again. I don't know what to do.
A part of me is also angry because I feel she is waiting for us to die so she can cash in on what we leave behind, that bothers me....why cry at her fathers funeral when she could have been a part of his life while he was alive??
Please help me, I'm so lost at what to do or how to handle this situation, I feel I have nothing to loose, I just can't pretend anymore that everything is alright.
Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my post, I'm sorry it was so L O N G. It had been building up inside me for months now. I actually do feel much better merely going through this process of getting it out.
All thoughts, comments, opinions, and suggestions are all welcome.
Peace & Love,