Posted 2/25/2016 11:09 AM (GMT -6)
KC, you are not alone. 15 yrs of physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. Sister sold me for $, she is 12yrs older than me.
I feel the same way you do lots of days. The darkness comes often, once and I awhile I do stupendancly [sp?] stupid things. However, I bounce back. Life for me is like a roller coaster stretched out.
I went the opposite of you and went amnesic for almost 30 yrs and became, I would say almost Nun like although I did date.
When the memories starting popping 5 years ago they hit hard and fast. They will never stop and I need to own them and find skills to deal with them the rest of my life. I am still learning, still in therapy.
I practicing self-compassion the last 6mos. This has been the best thing yet to help me. When I get a panic attack or a real bad reaction to a flash back I do the following:
Find my pulse; neck, chest, wrist where ever you can
Breathe in, "pulse is my purpose"
Breathe out, "it is NOT my fault"
continue til you calm down. Works every time for me. Shorter each time.
Remember, you were CONDITIONED as a child for the behavior, you were taught that it was normal. You had no other model to go by. So IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
KC, the books I use the most to help me, and yes it is work, you have to do the work to heal, are: [not saying you don't I just don't know]
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K Germer, PhD
Healing the Trauma of Abuse, by ME Copeland, MA MA and M. Harris PhD
I hope this helps you. Try to remember you are not alone. I know how hard it is at times, like you are the only person in the world that has these feelings. Journaling helps me in these moments, because it is immediate relief 24/7.
Peace and Strength
Moderator - Depression
Be still and know there is Peace.
Kabir says: "Student tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath". from the poem Breath.
DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;