Yes I wrote this. I am not really much of a poet but I kind of like this one as it closely reflects how I feel right now.
It seems wierd sometimes. I look at myself and think I should be happy. I don't have anything horribly wrong with me, I can walk, see, hear and think, I am smart, reasonably successful, I have a beautiful child that loves me, a huge family that cares for me, a good roof over my head, food on the table etc. But it just doesn't seem real, almost like I am looking at someone elses life, and no matter how many things I come up with to justify and maybe create happiness with myself I destroy with self doubt. I am reaching the end of a difficult battle, finishing school. When I started a number of years ago I imagined some glorious future with me being happy, with myself and with my life. But now it is almost over and I am no longer sure, I don't know what I want anymore. And looking back on the last decade of my adult life I realize I have been doing this since I left home. Always working at some new challenge, moving to some new town, working at some new job, etc with the expecation that 'everything will be better after I do this'. Realizing this leaves me confused, maybe I'll never get to that place I have envisioned. Now I don't really see anything and I kind of just don't want to exist at all anymore. I am not going to do anything to myself of course, I do have a child that needs me and I do recognize that, but to just 'poof' disappear. I can see from the posts here that I am not alone in these feelings, but again it doesn't seem to matter what logic shows me, my mind make its own desision, I feel alone.
I have been taking Rameron for a few years now, though I don't know that it does anything other than knock me out at night.
I was seeing a cousellor a year ago but stopped going and havn't managed to find my way back yet.