Posted 11/11/2005 8:07 PM (GMT -7)
My husband and I have been together for 13 years - just celebrated our ten year anniversary. W A couple of weeks ago, Hurricane Wilma hit our area and we had no power for about ten days. My husband and I both work retail and were under alot of pressure to get our stores open. His job is alot more stressful. During this time, he seemed very short with me, stressed and unhappy. When I asked him what was wrong, he would say he was tired. I believed him and attributed all this to the hurricane. Since then hes been in this little funk and I just believed he was stressed from work and tired from the hurricane recovery.
Two days ago, I came home from work - he was supposed to be out of town for work. I sat with him and chatted about little things, work, traffic etc. and then asked him why he came home early. He then proceeded to share with me that he did not feel connected to me anymore and was depressed and was going to see a dr. on Monday. We talked a little about our relationship, and although it is not always perfect, I believed I was in a happy marriage and could not believe he was telling me this. We dont have kids yet, but we do have a dog and he mentioned things like maybe our affection for the dog was taking the place of what was missing in our relationship. I go to the gym about 5 times a week and find it a great way to relieve stress and very empowering. He mentioned something about how good the gym makes me feel and he just wants to come home and sit on the couch. I have asked him to go with me many times and he says no and has some excuse. Talking a little more about his feelings, he mentioned things like trying to be a role model, wanting to protect me, always wanting to be the person who fixes things. When I asked what he meant by role model he talked about work, about his family. His job is stressful and he is constantly on the phone because of it. His mom passed away when he was 20. He has four brothers that look up to him. His role in the family is the guy to call when you need help. He is what they aspire to be. It almost seems that after his mom died, he sort of took over her role. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but could not answer any other questions right now about what he wants. He said his head is spinning and he did not even know what day it is. He said before he can make any decisions about our relationship, he needs to fix himself.
He has lost twelve pounds, is only eating sometimes and has not had a good nights sleep in weeks. Again, we were out of power for a while with no AC and little lighting so it was difficult to sleep with all the windows open. He has all the signs of depression, I just can't believe that I did not see them. He never talked to me really. The good thing is that he is getting help.
When he told me all this, I felt betrayed and angry that he could not tell his wife. I was sad because it hurts me so much to see him in pain, and I am scared for my relationship. Right now he cannot give me anything. He does not want to touch me, he barely talks to me. He does occasionally say he loves me, but usually after I say it first.
I have told him that I will be by his side while he goes through this. I will even go to counseling. I love this man so much and cannot imagine my life without him. We dont have kids because we have had trouble conceiving and I am currently working on different methods of infertility treatments, the problem is I need him there. I am 37 and he is 38 and up until now , we have wanted kids and now he said he feels he needs to be a good husband first.
I am trying to understand his illness, but I need reassurance that we can work this out and he cannot give this to me. I know this is about him and not necessarily about our relationship but it is so difficult for me to deal with this. He said he needs space, and I try to give him some, but it is hard to ignore someone in the same house. I dont know if I should try to act normal - I feel like I am overcompensating so he knows how much I really do love him, but he does not want that. I am afraid if I give him space, he will feel like Im not supporting him. And even though he is the one that is depressed, I have spent many hours the past few days crying, I have been sick, I am not eating and I am having a hard time focusing at work. I am sleeping okay but often wake up to make sure he's still there. All of a sudden I have become insecure. I just want some reassurance that we can work this out. He's getting help so that is a start, but I am so scared.
I know this is a long post, I apologize, but I dont know how to handle this. I love my husband so much and believe that marriage is work. I want to support him and be strong, but it is so hard because of my fear of losing him.
I also wanted to know that how soon after treatment do you start noticing changes. My husband had his thyroid removed and has been taking meds for three years. I dont know if that would impact anything. If anyone has any insight that could help me, I would love to read. Thanks for listening.