Have you ever had anyone go thru something like this before?
Yes, it's okay your not alone - 100.0% - 11 votes
Yes, and it's a BIG problem that needs to be fixed - 0.0% - 0 votes
No, but it seems like it's minor - 0.0% - 0 votes
No, but you may need some help - 0.0% - 0 votes
I don't know I didn't read it all - 0.0% - 0 votes
Posted 11/15/2005 4:45 PM (GMT -7)
I'm new here... and I have a serious problem... It's kind of hard for me to admit... because I love saying that everything is FINE!
But I believe that's what my problem is saying everything is fine when it isn't... meaning... that I can be having the worst days and be going thru a complete mental breakdown... but still I smile and hide all of those emotions FROM EVERYONE... my best-friends, friends, relatives and others that care about me. It's soo hard for me to express my feelings anyway... so that makes things more difficult.
So with that... bottled negative emoitions and not being able to let it out in a positive way... I walk around with this attitude that is like... if you say something wrong to me I'll just explode...
The thing is I can get a lot of friends by my personality, but I loose them because of my attitude... and I want to know if there's anyone else that understands me, goes thru this, or knows anyone like this... I know it's a horrible problem... and I really don't know how to fix it... I'm really a good person just don't know how to express my feelings....
For example... if someone says something to me... like be mean to me or say something that offends me... I don't say anything about
it... I keep it inside... I try not to say anything mean or disrespectful to them... but I've been doing this for soo long... it's like I can't do it anymore... I loose those close to me due to me being rude... I can catch attitudes quite quickly, and can't see that what I'm saying/doing is wrong... until it's too late! Like the person is already gone and thru with me... like they can't handle it ALL the time... and I can completely understand their position... because I couldn't handle talking to someone like me for a very long time... my mom always told me... "I don't know how you have friends with that attitude"... I don't know if anyone has any input on this.... ANYTHING... please let me know... I just need advice on how to better myself... because right now.. I don't know what to do... THANKS FOR READING!!! IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME!
Posted 11/15/2005 5:06 PM (GMT -7)
Hi and welcome
You need to know that alot of people have problems expressing themselves. My take on this is that somewhere along the line you've been hurt by somebody close which has resulted in you having a hard time
opening up and trusting for fear of being rejected. This is my reason anyways
My suggestion would be for you to begin
opening up with somebody you trust. If this is too difficult for you, maybe try writing in a journal. Just know that you are not alone
Take care, Softy
Posted 11/15/2005 5:07 PM (GMT -7)
I understand at least part of what you are saying. I too am someone that keeps everything inside. Everything always looks to others like I am in control and and that my life is as close to perfect as it could be. The problem is, that after doing this my whole life, I completely self destructed this summer. I became deeply depressed, withdrew from friends, I told my husband I wasnt happy with some things in our marriage, and caused all sorts of upheaval by basically telling him I had been unhappy for a while now and just hadn't said anything. He moved out, we're trying to figure it out, and I'm in therapy. It has helped me realize that I have a right to feel what I feel and be angry when I'm angry, but less of a right to not say anything and the internally hold people responsible for doing things I don't like. Now I feel like my veneer is gone and I'm raw, but at least it's me out there. you are not alone at all, but I think you might want to talk to someone or think about ways you can express your feelings at the time they occur, rather than burying them til you explode. Sorry, just blabbing on , but i wanted to say I understand. -M
Posted 11/15/2005 6:35 PM (GMT -7)
Hi there I to understand someof what you are saying as for a long time I didnt cry ..I mean at all, people thought I was heartless ..but its not that I didnt want to I just couldnt,not even my grandmas funeral and We were very close...to this day I still have a hard time crying and expressing my feelings to loved ones..i am doing betterthough.You can too take it one day at a time
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Posted 11/16/2005 1:41 PM (GMT -7)
"you've been hurt by somebody close"
YES! Soo many times have I had people (mainly females) betray me... when I was in grade school I remember having this bestfriend at the time and I told her everything and when she was mad at me she told everyone my business... talked about me behind my back... but smiled in my face!.... that's the thing... I can handle someone talking about me behind my back, but when it's a "friend"... that's when I get mad... then I don't know how to react when a "friend" talks behind your back AND still smiles in your face!?... so I lost some trust from that friendship... and then there was other incidents... so little by little I gave up on trusting people because I find it much easier to not trust... and not be dissappointed and put myself thru things like that... because I don't treat people like that at all... so I don't deserve to be treated that way. It's a lot easier and less painful to not trust people than to trust and get heartbroken (atleast to me)... but yeah I'm going to take your advice and try to open up... I have a friend that knows me inside and out... and she's STILL my friend!!! (Even with her being clear across the US from me... she's more of a friend to me then someone that I use to call my bestfriend 3 months ago.... I give people chances too it's not like I just dismiss them after their first wrong... I give them chances). She is thee ONLY person that I know/met that honestly accepts people for who they are! Thank you soo much for your input... I think I will try the journal thing too!... I always thought those things were silly.. but I'll give it a try!
Posted 11/16/2005 2:09 PM (GMT -7)
Wooo hoo someone that is LIKE ME!!! (well I don't know if that should classify as a wooo hoo.. ha) I don't know if this is an excuse but my mom use to have complete control over me... as to what I said and how I behaved... of course because she's a mom... but the thing is... I was never allowed to say things that were against what she said... like if she said to let her use something of mines... like my car or something... she would ask me... but would never take no for an answer... like she would make me feel guilty like I was being selfish if I said no for some reason... like my reasons were never good enough.... so it was like.. I just stopped answering her cancelled any plans I had... just gave her the keys.... and she was really the only person that I was around to talk to... I've lived a very sheltered life... but what made me mad about just giving her the keys.. is that if I wanted to go somewhere she would say she had somewhere to go and I would be left to cancel my plans either way it went rather it was my car or her car.... but I don't know if that has much if any to do with it but I just wanted to get that off of my chest....
I feel exactly what you are saying... I become depressed quite often.. it's kind of a seasonal feeling... like when I get in a depressed mode I withdraw from friends, and I showed my bestfriend that I wasn't happy with our friendship... like it was always missing something but couldn't put my finger on it... like she would get mad at me... and tell me that I never tell her anything about my life... and how she feels like I keep a lot of things from her... but it's like she couldn't understand that it was something that I really just can't help... I don't want to put my everything in 1 person... I can not tell 1 person everything about me... well atleast not the bad things about me... I have a hard time expressing the bad side of me... I can tell people I'm happy, excited, cheerful, etc.. but when it comes to I'm sad, depressed, angry, feel rejected, lonely, etc... I can't fix my mouth to say those things... not out loud atleast... no way... I guess I have too much pride for that... but yeah we're not even friends anymore... at all... she said she can't keep trying to figure me out... But that sounds like some good advice from your therapist! We have a right to feel what we feel and express it!! Why should we have to get the short-end of the stick!? and have to go thru life holding things back!? We shouldn't have to! And I'm going to do my best to express the way I feel... even when someone does something wrong to me I'm going to say it OUT LOUD! So good-luck to you and me.. as we fight this battle together!
Posted 11/16/2005 2:30 PM (GMT -7)
YESSSSSSSSS.... people think that I just don't care about them sometimes... because I can not for anything in this world... let out my emotions... I am far from being a sensitive person and barely can say "I love you".. without choking up! It's like a very RARE occasion for me to tell someone that I love them! My grandmother passed away earlier this year and I loved her with all of my heart... and I don't think that I ever told her that... but my grandmother was just like me.... she never told me either... she was exactly like me actually... she never really had any friends... she stuck to herself... she had a huge house and lived alone... may she r.i.p.... but yeah it's very hard for me to express that I care about a person.. when I DO try that's exactly the problem its' the fact that I have to TRY... make myself say things... I just don't have it in me I guess?... my mom is the same way too... but she occasionally says things to boost my self esteem... she tells me how she's so proud of me and things like that... and that's good it keeps me going! The little things that people can say goes a LONNNNG way!! Further than they could imagine. Well you and I will take it one day at a time!!!
Posted 11/16/2005 2:39 PM (GMT -7)
THANK YOU ALL!
.... so very much for your input, advice and encouraging words!! They really mean a lot to me! It feels good to know that I am NOT alone! Sorry for all the typing... ha... I didn't noticed it was soo much until after I hit the reply button.... it's easy for me to type/write my feelings... verses saying them out loud... and I'm glad that you read it and respond, because now I feel like I have a new millenium diary :) that responds back and give advice to the things that are going on in my life! THANK YOU AGAIN SOO VERY MUCH!
best of luck to us ALL! ;)
Posted 11/16/2005 8:13 PM (GMT -7)
There is so much good in the best of us
And so much bad in the worst of us
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
Anytime I had a negative opinion about someone, mom made me read that. So I too learned to live silently and to stuff all sorts of slights. As an adult people asked me why I was hostile--and I didn't know I was. People disappeared from my life, and I thought I was a jinx. I couldn't hold on to anything or anyone important to me. I didn't trust others or myself.
Well, after abusing myself enough, I tossed mom's beliefs in the crapper. They hadn't worked for me, they weren't working for me, and I didn't expect that to change.
The odd thing is that I'm barely any different now from then. The first change I made was learning to tell good people from bad--so I could withdraw from the bad. The other change is that I no longer have secrets about myself. I just say what I can or can't do, what I think or don't think. If someone doesn't like that--they can move on.
I expected making those changes would set me even further apart. They didn't, they left room for good people in my life--and now I have lots of friends.
Posted 11/17/2005 12:18 PM (GMT -7)
whoops, my mother would be so ashamed! It should have read:
There is so much good in the worst of us
And so much bad in the best of us
Posted 11/17/2005 2:03 PM (GMT -7)
Funny, I was just puzzling over that little poem, thinking it was awfully black and white for that sort of thing! Makes more sense now. :)
Something else to think about with the mad/expressing feeling things is how ingrained it can be. I have a great extended family in most ways, but they (my parents) have always been big on saying everything is "fine" even when it's not. And just pushing forward, be tough, chin up, don't tell other people your business, that kind of thing. It's a hard habit to break, and it is a lot of pressure on a daily basis to keep everything looking ok. Just a thought. -M
Posted 11/17/2005 8:19 PM (GMT -7)
It's too much pressure. The person who started this thread sounded like a well behaved pressure cooker--until he reached his limit. Then he blew--that's a me too. At least he gets rid of the pressure--and I used to.
Stiff upper lip, "saying everything is "fine" even when it's not. And just pushing forward, be tough, chin up, don't tell other people your business," is being a prisoner of rules.
One of the things I learned before and in order to break free of my mother's rules was to be selfish about my inner peace. Now, I avoid certain people and situations (without shutting down and becoming a hermit). My life and time are precious to me, and I spend both for/on people and things that matter to me. Once a person decides that and figures out what is important to them, everything else falls in place. Shoot for it Meg40. You'll like it.
Posted 11/17/2005 8:43 PM (GMT -7)
When I was young, my mother decided I was dating the wrong boy--so she lied to him and to me. He married someone else and so did I. Twenty-five years later I learned what my mother did. I still remembered his phone number and called his house, expecting to talk to his mother or father. Instead, his wife answered and her reaction told me that his marriage wasn't any better than mine.
Twenty more years have passed, and I've had dreams about him. He's always been angry in the dreams and wouldn't let me tell him that my mother lied. A few nights ago he listened and we talked like the friends we had been as children.
I got curious and did an internet search. He's happily remarried, finally has his namesake son, he owns a business that is in line with the kind of person I remember him to be, and he just bought a house in the area he always wanted to live. In other words, he finally has the life he wanted.
I too live the life I wanted. I have a nice husband; we have a nice peaceful house. More than that I have my own voice, and now I'm acting on my childhood love of nature and science.
What struck me is that he got to what he wanted and I got to what I wanted. We both found ways as adults to express in our adult life, who we were as kids. I found a lot of peace in finally knowing that we both are happy. It also became clear that in becoming adult individuals that we had been and still were very far apart in our basic interests and needs.
I said things fall in place--and this is an example of finding peace 45 years after a betrayal.
Posted 11/17/2005 8:55 PM (GMT -7)
Been there don't that too.Amazing the older you get the more you understand things.I was treated for depression for years.Now,I don't let things bother me anymore,got rid of what negative friends I had & am living my life my way.I also have Alzheimer's,but that's life.No time to worry......
Posted 11/18/2005 6:21 AM (GMT -7)
I tell my "stories," but SnowyLynne you wrapped it up in one sentence, "..the older you get the more you understand things." I don't imagine you got there without personal upheaval.
I carried childlike obedience into my adult life and marriage (with eruptions of anger and lots of passive aggression). As an adult, I put aside my childish things--nature and science--and became Mrs. Somebody. That led to being "bev nobody." When the farce of my marriage and life collasped, I was just plain "nobody."
Then I put aside my childish ways and slowly became me. It wasn't easy, but it was sure worth all that it took. Today I live my OWN childhood dreams. It's cool and was worth the work and wait.
Posted 11/26/2005 10:21 PM (GMT -7)
i completly understand where youre coming from, but the fact is the worst thing you can do is keep everything in side. I am exactly how you are, you keep everything bottled up, until you have a mental breakdown and completly freak out. I had the same problem. From everything bottling up, i got so much anger inside, i had no idea how to get it out. You can't really trust anybody these days, and even if you could, you still dont feel comftable talking to them, right? That is how i am. It lead to nothing but more troubles down the road. I brought all my anger out on myself, lead to cutting, drinking, pills, everything. The worse thing to do is to keep everything inside, even if you think you have it under control. I thought i did, and i still think i do. Scars dont lie, and i have to live with everything for the rest of my life. If you need to talk, and you can't see a counselour, for any reason, this is a good place to start. No one judges, you just get to release your pain and anger. You may think you have it undercontrol now, but one day it might get to far. That is what happened to me, and i wouldnt want to see that happen to you.
speak your heart out girl. We are all here for you.
Lie to yourself enough;;
&& you'll start to believe things
are actually 'getting better'.