To give a brief synopsis of me.....I am 48 years old. I was sexually abused by my bio father and his friends from the age of 3 till I was adopted out at 8. There were 8 of us in my bio family. I was an only child in my adopted family. My life has been pretty much ok since I was adopted. I had one bio sister whom I kept in contact with through the years. My bio father died in 1980. My bio mother is still alive. As far as the abuse goes, I feel that I came to terms with it years ago. However, I could be wrong since I stayed in abusive marriage for 25 years before getting out. I didnt date for 6 years. I dated a guy for the past year who proved to be another abuser, but I had no problem letting him go once I realized it.
It all changed in June. My bio sister died after being on a ventilator for 3 months. I had no knowledge of her being sick until I got the call she had passed away. My bio family lives in Tampa, I live in Ga. My daughter and I made the trip to Tampa for her service. This meant coming in contact with the whole bio family, including my mother. I was civil to her but thats all. After we returned home, one of my bio brothers and one of my bio sisters started calling me often. It was always to talk about how I needed to forgive my bio mother. Its not that I cant forgive her. I just have a lot of anger towards her for all the times I knew she was awared of what my father and his friends were doing to me. I have actually had more anger towards her than I did for my father. I realize I was lucky to be adopted and that my mother did me a favor by giving me away. But in the same turn, she took away my bio family from me. I grew up alone. And then it was the worst when she didnt call me until after my sister had passed. She took away my chance to tell my sister that I loved her and to tell her goodbye.
Its all kind of scrambled I know. But since my sister died, I have changed. I have a constant sadness that I cant seem to shake. I always feel that I am on the verge of tears. I am a Nurse and have a management position. I have been able to keep it together for work. But, once I am done with work for the week, I come home, shut the door and I dont venture out until time to go back to work. So, I spend 3 days a week locked in my apartment. My children and grandchildren do not even make me happy anymore. They call or come by, ask me to go out or do something, but I cant seem to do it. I have absolutely not one friend in the world. No one to call on when it gets really bad. And I dont know what to do to shake myself out of this. I dont want to go on medication because being a nurse has made me very leary of psychotropic meds. Is there anyone out there who can relate and give me some advice..........