Posted 7/16/2016 9:31 AM (GMT -7)
Your marriage and wife reminds me of my past situation.
"I got married 10 years ago when I was 24 to a woman who hid her depression/anxiety long enough for us to tie the knot. Shortly after marriage the woman that I fell in love with vanished and a person who I didn't know emerged. She was very mean to me,"
It took a long time, but I came across an account of a personality disorder which I realized matched my wife perfectly.
It was Borderline Personality Disorder, which occurs mostly with females who have had trauma, usually sexual abuse as a child.
As I read the description, I realized more and more that it fit my wife and explained her actions. The account said that the trauma can divide their ego, with they themselves on one side, with the trauma pushed to the other side, with a wall in between.
So your wife was not hiding her anxiety and depression as much as she was hiding the fact that she is like two people, one an emotional 5 or 10 year old, or whenever the abuse occurred, and the other an adult in age but operating without the usual set of emotions; or, an emotional 5 or 10 year old, in an adult's body.
You said, "Shortly after marriage the woman that I fell in love with vanished and a person who I didn't know emerged."
So, she's two different people, from the trauma.
Has she ever told you she was sexually abused? Maybe just a hint, like, "Oh, I don't really remember what happened that day, but I know I was on longer allowed to stay there." Something kinda vague, kinda specific, but you haven't put a lot of import on it because she's only brushed over it once or twice in the last 5 years.
You said, "She was very mean to me"
Pathological anger from the abuse. Let me take a wild guess. It was a male who abused her. Let me take another wild guess: you're a male. Uh, oh. You live in the same house. Uh, oh. You're legally tied to her. Uh, oh. You have joint property together, you're buying a house or a car. Uh, oh. You're buying a house together. Uh, oh.
This is perfect. For her. It means she can treat you like a dog, and does, and you can't move an inch, because of legal and financial connections, too bad. You can't move an inch, just like she couldn't move an inch because that guy was banging her head up against the headboard that day when she was five or 10.
She's not mad at you, she's trying to destroy that guy who did that when she unable to defend herself, or nobody had taught her to, and now that she can defend herself, she can't attack that guy, but she can come after you, since you are legally tied to her and can't escape, just like she couldn't that day.
That's why she treated you like an angel before you were married, and a dog right afterwards. She needed your money, hello! She needed the prestige of being a married woman in the community. Hello!
If she treated you like a dog prior to marriage, you may not have married her. Hello!
Well, we've got one chance in heck here. I've got my fingers crossed on this one. We're gonna give you one chance in heck.
Oh, no, no! Fred! Fred! I just reread you post, the 10-year married was bad enough. But then you added this:
"She acts out which I can deal with but the lack of emotion or empathy for myself and my 6 and one year old has taking its toll on me. 1 good week, 4 bad weeks to follow."
No, that one was too much even for me. Fred. Oh, gosh, I'm about to shed a tear on this one. A child. Fred, I love it! Fred, look at the bright side, she's brilliant. Come on, Fred. Be positive. You married the most brilliant woman on your side of town. Take pride in that.
You idiot! I can't help it Fred. I can hold it back so long. You remind me of this guy so many years ago whose first few years of marriage was bliss, and then, Fred, then what happened. They were blessed with child. Oh, Fred, so happy! Maybe.
And then the carpet bombing began. It's just a guess. Fred, relax, I'm just surmising here, maybe living back a few memories. Maybe like 19 years of memories, all bad.
Fred, for you, I was holding out hope. No kids. Oh, please. I already knew what I was going to say "Walk, Fred, walk." Or maybe, "Run, Fred, Run!"
Anyway, I was going to get you out of that one. Too late. Hey, fair and square, she whipped your rear-end.
What can I say? You lost. She lost when she was 5 or 10, you lost now, hey, it evens out.
At 13, our kid found out what was going on, and his life was affected, we'll say. He pulled out of it.
All of this is opinion and from past experience. Try to stay as positive as you can.