It's been a while since I was last on. I have been meaning to write but never got around to sitting down and responding.
Just an update: I went away the first week of September with a friend to Punta Cana (first time) and I had a wonderful time. There were a few hiccups with my friend but we worked through it. It felt so good to get away, and no think about anything back home. I also noticed that I felt happy, and smiled and laughed! It felt natural and I didn't have to consciously think about what I was grateful for, and try and make myself feel happy or analyze my thinking. It felt so natural. I didn't want to leave! I was sad coming home whereas my friend was excited. The first week back was rough. I felt depressed, and questioned many things in my life. I also wondered why I felt so down. I did some research and learned that there is such a thing as post-vacation blues or depression! Who knew?! But it makes sense. I had this wonderful trip, and came back to my reality where I wasn't happy. After 1.5 weeks of being home, I decided that I needed to make some changes as they weren't going to home on their own. I wrote down things that bothered, and/or were affecting me and made a note beside each one asking myself some questions:
1. Can I change him/her or whatever the situation is?
2. Is it my responsibility?
3. What can I do to change it?
I started by tackling things bit by bit, and completing tasks that I could accomplish. They are nothing big but they are making me feel a little better because I am getting it done rather than hiding it in the closet, or stuffing it in a bag, etc. Also, when I was away, it confirmed to me that I don't want to stay in teaching. I have said this many times before but didn't really feel it and wasn't certain about it. Now I am. I have been in this job for 11 years and can't do another 11 years! Or even 1 year! I really didn't want to go back to work when I came home. I could tell that my body was reacting negatively to the idea of going back to school. I'm lucky that I supply teach because I can take a day off here and there, or work 1/2 day (like today) and come home in the afternoon and get things done. Or rest, like I am today as I feel a sore throat/cold coming on! : ( I have been trying to nip it in the butt but it doesn't look like it's easing up. I think rest/sleep is what I need as I haven't been sleeping well. Anyways, I got off topic for a bit but if I am able to figure out what I want to do or find something that I may enjoy in the meantime until all the stars line up and push me in that direction!! : )
So, I am working on some things that I can control in my life, and I would also like to work on losing the weight that I gained from being on Cipralex. I saw my doctor on Monday, and I told her that I'm not happy with the weight gain. I even pulled up my top to show her my "muffin top" and everything else around it so that she could understand where I was coming from. *This was very hard for me to do and I had to talk myself up to doing it but I am so frustrated with this weight gain, and wanted to get her attention. She doesn't think that the weight gain is from Cipralex as I'm on a low dosage (5mg) however, I disagree. I keep mentioning that prior to Cipralex, I lost close to 50lbs by January 2016. Also, if it's such a low dosage, than how can it help me feel better mentally?! I don't understand how she can't see the correlation but I know that it's caused indirectly from taking Cipralex as it increases cravings and my appetite! I have been getting better at controlling it but there are times when my stomach starts to growl 2 hours after I ate! It shouldn't be like that. I ate cod, cauliflower rice and slices of tomatoes for lunch. I also had some cheese and 2 crackers as a snack prior. She wants me to see a dietitian. I don't think that this is going to do anything. I already know what to do as I studied nutrition in university, and got my personal training certification and took continuing education courses in nutrition! I realized today that a friend I went to university with is a dietitian so I am going to contact her just to see what she has to say. In the meantime, I want to figure out what to do. My doctor asked me if I want off Cipralex and I do but want something to replace it as I'm nervous about how I will feel with just being on the Wellbutrin (300mg). Cipralex was added because I was still feeling a bit sad and emotional about things. I suggested Xanax, Valium but she said 'no' because they are addictive. I suggested Buspar and she told me that there is a long list of side effects including damage to the liver and kidney's. I asked about Celexa and she said that it would cause more of a dry mouth, which I am experiencing with Cipralex! I am drinking ALL THE TIME! I go through 1.5 cases (24-500mL) of water a week! I like drinking water but I'm tired of this. I'm always feeling thirsty and it seems no matter how much I drink, I need more water.
My doctor suggested Prozac but I'm very apprehensive about it. I'm not keen on taking it and would rather not. I told her that I would let her know but in the meantime, I decided to SLOWLY wean myself off Cipralex as I am going to do it over the course of a few months. That's why I did with Paxil and I didn't have any side effects. However, I think that I will have to cut the 5mg pill in two so that I am taking 2.5mg each day or every other day? I was going to take 5mg every other day (started this on Monday) but had a bad headache yesterday and today. I have a feeling that it's because I missed a dose as my headaches feel similar to when I started taking AD. What is your recommendation on weaning off of Cipralex? I am being realistic, and not just going to quit cold turkey or stop them in a few weeks or a month. I know my body, and weaned myself off of Paxil without telling my doctor (another doctor at the time) until my next appointment. It took me about 3 months so I'm not being irresponsible. I would rather not hear any criticism. I don't see my doctor until October 19, which is about a month away and I'm going to a wedding on October 22. I was really hoping to wear a sexy dress that showed a little more skin but seeing how I am feeling about my body, I don't know if I will. A part of me wants to not go but I don't want to do what I used to do when I was in my 20's and avoid going out because I was bothered by my weight gain. I thought that if I start now, and really watch my diet (eating mostly fish, green veggies, eggs, egg whites, whey protein powder, some cheese in small portions, nuts and small portions of berries) than I may be able to lose some of it. I am also working out and doing yoga.
With regards to the psychiatrist that I was supposed to see in September, it is not happening. I messaged her to confirm that she received my referral and she messaged me back telling me that she is not taking on new patients after she told me during the summer that she was after September 5! I was not impressed or happy. I let her know that she was the one who told me to contact her after September 5 so what happened?! She told me that something unexpected happened beyond her control and that she was unable to take any new patients at this time. She told me to ask my doctor to refer me to another psychiatrist. : ( It sucks because I did so much research on her, and she had all positive reviews. Out of the 11-12 psychiatrists at the hospital, only 2 had positive reviews and they only received 2 reviews each! I'm not jumping to go there.
For now, I am coming on here to get some encouraging, positive, and useful feedback. I am also going for hypnosis. This is something that I was always skeptical about, and didn't take seriously but my neighbour, who has known me for several years, and has seen my ups/downs suggested it to me as he did it to help him deal with some emotional issues. He told me that he thinks it would benefit me. Also, when I finally decided to meet the hypnotist (I will call her M) in person for a consultation, and talk to her, I felt very relaxed around her. I usually have a good intuition about people, and felt comfortable with her. She shared her story of how she got into this field. She worked in the corporate world, which was stressful, her husband was an alcoholic, and she wasn't happy. She fell into a depression, which later affected her so much that she was bedridden for a long time. She was on AD's and on other medications as well. A friend suggested hypnosis and at the time, M was not feeling much better, and was tired of taking AD's. She was desperate to try anything so she did. After a few sessions, she started to feel like herself again. She had a lot of things buried that needed to come out. Eventually, she stopped taking AD's and hasn't been on them since.
I'm in the same boat. I have carried a lot with me over the years and want to release it.
I'm spending so much money on AD's that are causing me weight gain, which has been frustrating. I decided to keep an open mind, and give hypnosis a try.
I would like to know:
1. How can I wean myself off of Cipralex. I am taking 5mg/every night although I skipped Tuesday's dosage.
2. Is there another medication similar to Wellbutrin that I can pair it up with? Or, is there an AD that has less side effects than most other AD's?
I just want to mention that if I decide to want to take something and try it, then I will be more assertive with my doctor. The reason that I wasn't this time around was because I didn't do my homework in researching a lot of the other AD's. I didn't get a chance to but I'm not afraid to say 'no' anymore. That's why I hesitated with taking Prozac but I will let her know because in the end, this is my body and my physical health is just as important as my mental health.
Thank you for listening! : )