My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 years. We have two young children together (2 and 3 years old). Over the past year, my husband has changed, but I assumed he was overworked as his job is quite stressful especially and has gotten more so. Otherwise, life has been good to him (stable salary, healthy family, no marital problems, good health).
I thought my husband and I had a close relationship, one where we could share everything. For over one year, my husband was aware of major changes that he experienced which he kept from me (being unhappy, memory loss, poor concentration and appetite, low energy, no motivation, lack of pleasure in everything, decreasing libido, finding life meaningless, low energy, no longer feeling love). He masked everything so well and it wasn’t end of May that I was certain something was off. I took him to see his doctor and he was diagnosed with depresssion. At that point, he wanted to move out to be alone as the children are too noisy and were driving him crazy, and he is absolutely convinced that he needs to live on his own to function. He mentioned that he realized he was not built to live with people and craved isolation. He also told me that the passion is gone in our relationship although he still loves me. I am so angry and hurt by all of this.
I did get him to see a psychiatrist and psychologist in mid July. both recognize that he has severe depression with moderate generalized anxiety. the psychiastrist started him on pristiq 50mg (he’s now on day 24 of it and he seems to be more active now but still with poor concentration, no motivation, and extremely fatigued. he is also still unloving towards me). We will call his doctor in about
1 week to adjust his meds. The psychiatrist wanted to be more aggressive but my husband has been trying to minimize the meds. We had to put a hold on psychotherapy as he doesn’t believe in it.
I have convinced him not to leave the family for now especially since both the psychologist and psychiatrist told me it would be a dangerous option for him to live alone as he is so introspective, he would just spiral downward. We have made a lot of changes in our home for him so he could have more space and quiet and be at peace. It pains me to see that the children do not bring him joy, rather he gets frustrated by their constant noise and excitement. He speaks very little to me and purposefully rejects my phone calls and infrequently returns my texts (he doesn’t care that I’m worried about
s and leaves me hanging and ignores my texts). I feel so rejected and disrespected when he ignores me (he also ignores his siblings). It’s been over two months since the last time he reliably picked up my phone calls. It has also been over two months since we last had sex. He doesn’t display any affection towards me but will cooperate if I ask him for a hug. His conversations with me are kept to a minimal but he will engage with colleagues who call him. Things that he used to adore about
me now irritate him. I am so angry that he has allowed himself to reach this point that he is no longer the same person I married. I feel like a complete stranger has taken over his body, and it is so surreal to physically see him but know that he is not available to me.
I wonder how much longer I can handle this. A part of me understands that he is struggling to function day to day, but a part of me is upset that I am essentially a single parent who is lucky to have helpful family members.
There are things that I appreciate. I know depression is a real and scary struggle, and I am proud of my husband for fighting his desires and for choosing to live. He could have easily moved out but chose to listen to me and stay with us for now. He was suicidal at one point but has not been since he shared his struggles with me. I am now grateful that he is willing to take his meds and has allowed me to schedule his appointments and take him to see his psychiatrist despite doubting his own diagnosis. I am relieved that he is beginning to work out when he is home but not when he travels. I notice that he is doing a bit more around the house. I don’t have much time to cook after work, so he will go out with me to eat despite not being hungry.
But I am scared for our future, scared for the unknown. He’s not the same person and is at times a real jerk to me. We will sleep in the same bed but there is no affection. He is so withdrawn and prefers to ignore me. If I ask him for help with matters that he is comfortable with, he declines to help me and says, “I don’t know.” He will help others with the same problem. Yet he tells me he doesn’t blame anyone for his depression, but he treats me so poorly despite all the sacrifices I’ve made for him.
I still maintain my friendships with others so I don’t get burn out, but I come home and feel that my marriage is so empty. I take tests just to see if I’m depressed yet (so far, so good). I try to make jokes and he ignores me. I suggest ideas for us to do and he doesn’t care for them. It’s a very hard place to be in. Sometimes, I think I will be able to do this for as long as possible as we had eight wonderful years together and depression is not his fault; he truly is very ill. Other times, I’m frustrated because I feel as though he is intentionally being difficult and I don’t know if I can go on like this for another month as I feel as though I’m condoning his behavior (allow him to have as little responsibility towards the children as possible, allowing him to not have any familial responsibility). This is not a marriage at all, and I’m sure he would happy once I give him the go ahead to leave.
There’s very little else I can do for him, and I pray that he gets better. How long were you fully supporting your depressed spouse before you noticed positive changes? How long did you give it your all before you realized nothing would change for the better and you had to let go in order to protect your children and yourself? This is such a loveless marriage, and it pains me so much when I recall how passionately in love with me just slightly over a year ago.
Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 8/7/2016 5:50:09 PM (GMT-6)