I am at my spiritual lowest point again in my life. I have tried committing suicide 2x in the past 3 years, both were suicidal impulses (not planned, just sort of happened) I ended up hospitalized both times, held there for about
2wks at each time.
I was taking lexapro, and it seemed to help but I have chronic pain due to my dx'nosis of crohns, and fibromaylgia. But now my insurance has ran out, mainly due to divorce~~ he stopped it. So there goes the "through sickness and in health" He bolted when it came time to realize I am going to have a debilitating diease for the rest of my life, money was more important to him than I was. And continues to be that way.. Glad tho, it's the best thing to happen to me~ the divorce I mean.
Anyways, since I have no more lexapro and have long stopped taken it.. I have opened up my eyes for the first time in a long time, to the reality. And it sucks, sucks bad. I don't think I would be depressed if it wasn't for the fact that I have been sick daily for the past 3 years and in a hella lot of pain. But I have totally reclused myself! I was kinda a perfectionist, till last year. Now I don't care what my house looks like, dont care what I look like, don't care even enough to shower.. why bother? Yes I know that sounds gross, but if you could only see what my life was like before this devasting blow, you'd be shocked! I go through periods of insomnia and periods of sleeping for days... I lost touch with my friends, family and even lost interest in the things I love to do most~ art. Some of it is the sickness/disease that keeps me at home, low energy because of lack of iron, extremely anemic and not being able to digest properly, they took 7 1/2 inches of my small intestine and now the disease is back in the same spot. I'm losing faith, hope and gaining bitterness, envy, anger & most importantly my self-esteem.
I'm dull, numb you name it.. walking around knowing death is following me everywhere I go.. That whole sense of DOOM, yep I got it! I just found out some very interesting things in my medical records that docs have not mentioned to me before... one of them being my heart, an abnormal ECG/EKG I have 3 bewtiful children who need me, but I don't want them seeing me like this at all! So I have been letting their dad take care of them more and more each day.... suppose to be joint custody but its getting hard to take care of myself let alone them even though they are capable of most everything, including putting themselves to bed and the sad part? They are tucking me in... I feel SICK! UNFIT MOTHER... GAWD! Whose children tend for their mom! Okay getting blurry now, cant see the screen as clear as I did a second ago..
Anyways if you could, no matter how much faith I am losing each day will you toss a prayer this way? For my kids especially?
I hold all of you out there who are in pain whether its physical or emotional or both with the upmost respect and compassion. I am praying constantly for the posts I read here on HW, and those who are being driven past my house in an ambulance for their familys/friends and whoever needed to be taken via ambulance. But I have just a few people in my life besides my kids that are close to me, because I have basically pushed others away....... Less people I know, the less will hurt if I leave them... gah.. yep my spiritual lowest. Please, pray I don't care which God you believe in, I just know through the power of people praying or sending warm thoughts, that this will change, I hope...Normally I wouldn't ask for a prayer, but I feel guilty when I think about asking him for help... anways enough babble... Just glad that HW is around, so I can quietly type what I feel and no one judges me... because I know you all are going through some sort of pain or you wouldn't be here.
Thanks for reading this far,
Your all in my prayers,