Posted 11/28/2005 8:24 AM (GMT -6)
I am new here & would like to tell you my story.
I believe I have Dysthymia since most of my childhood has been removed for protection.
I have no self-esteem. I was raised in an alcoholic family and of the three boys we had the stubborn eldest one, who took a lot of verbal abuse, the youngest, who was the rebel, and myself, who was always more impulsive and I hid every aspect of myself to prevent being yelled at or whatever. I always felt I was different than everyone else b/c of my lack of compassion and a strange feeling of separation from reality. Maybe it is total dissociation.
I have become totally codependent and my wife who also has been rough on me refuses to seek understanding. I have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. Frankly, I see my son as very much like myself, and the defense mechs he uses are a lot like the ones I used. My wife suppresses his ability to be himself, and for this I am afraid to become my real self - I don't really know who that is and my wife is judgmental. My wife is not really a bad person, she just likes things serene (her definition). Gee, do I sound codependent? We are seeing counseling and I am afraid she will never change, since she is a creature of habit and, hell, she has a codependent husband, and she is on top of the world, as far as I'm concerned-why change?
Anyway I hide my addictions, I hide my feelings, I hide the ugly truth. I am truthful about myself very rarely.
I had been on Effexor 2 years after trying all kinds of drugs, and all it did was contain the suicidal tendencies, nothing else. I weaned myself off them. I was on a high dose and the Psych decided to add Lexapro to the mix and that messed me all up. I started getting, I guess, delusional. My thought process was going funny. I hope never again.
I have spent the last 2 years sabotaging every relationship I have and have some damage control to take care of.
I am looking for friends. I am looking for hugs. My wife doesn't like me touching her. She thinks I am looking for sex all the time when I am looking for comfort. Wheee. Business partnership. But she is totally comfortable with it. I have done other forums, but I don't feel I fit in.
Thanks for reading this. I am dying for a loving relationship, I believe there is such a thing. So I believe in fairy tales!!