Posted 11/28/2005 5:40 PM (GMT -7)
I have no idea what is going on in my life. Im sixteen and it seems that everyone around me moves in fast motion socially. I have almost a voice inside of my head (not a real voice but the metaphor works to try and explain it) that constantly criticizes all of my actions socially, and proposes ideas on how to fit in and not be terribly awkward around all people. It seems that everybody around me is able to communicate openly about most things, and furthermore have regular conversation. Since i have this "voice" it is almost like I am always having a conversation with myself, trying to figure out how to interact and be happy. This inward conversation leaves me desperately reaching for any form of dialogue. I believe this inability of normal well adjusted conversation leaves me without any attraction from the opposite sex, even though I know that I am a good looking person, and am easy to get along with. Though I am secretly so conflicted, I have many friends from all different cliques in a high school setting. However, I believe this openness has cost me a sense of identity, which may be the root of my conversation problem. Life overall seems overwhelming. I have lost interest in doing well in school until I receive a bad grade, and even then I only fret that I will have to sit through one of my dad's "gentlemanly" talks. Though yes, this is definitely preferable to physical abuse, he drones in a monotone voice for sometimes an hour repeating himself. He never exhibits any form of emotion in front of me, even when he laughs it is completely false. He is a town doctor, and is well known to be a perfect gentleman. He can only talk about science, which I am not interested in, and his efforts to make conversation with me, on topics that i like, such as sports or music, he ALWAYS talks about the news from about four to five days ago. As I observe relationships with my friends and their families, there is an incredible difference. Their parents talk to them openly and do not try to shelter them constantly. I cannot have normal conversation with my parents. I believe they are very sheltered from me, and I believe they are very fake or their conversation is so contrived that it is unbearable to continue it. My mom tries to be a perfect stepford mother that is only happy and never allows me to curse or make any humorous references to anything other than innocent immature topics or else she guilts me into thinking how terrible my actions were, she even still talks to me in baby talk and is gravely offended when I tell her to stop. I never hear my parents fight, even though I know they do because they secretly tell me about their grudges. This lack of exposure to any emotion leaves me completely apathetic, very emotionless and it is almost unbearable to express love or lust for another person, because of all of my mothers guilt training teaching me that anything sexual is immoral, thus leaving me constantly at a "just friends" stage with all women. I feel so sheltered from my parents that when I watch television, I keep ESPN as a safe channel so they do not ever see me watching anything but sports, which is the only thing I am completely comfortable talking about in any situation. I believe all of this inward thinking has led me to many revelations or what I deem to be revelations. I often observe people socially and notice the differences between their thinking and mine. Almost all people have a sense of identity to which they can be impulsive in action or conversation. I can never "go with the flow" because I analyze every situation in painstaking fashion. Every day is a struggle to find myself, even though I spend the entire day trying to do so, and it is also extremely depressing. I have not considered suicide, but all of my inward thinking has led me to realizing that there is no difference between life and death and that the thought of my own death does not startle me at all. I'm going to try to wrap this up because i could ramble on for days and I do want feedback so I don't want to turn anybody off by writing a book, but please consider my situation when giving me advice if you are kind enough to do so. It is virtually impossible to tell anybody about my emotions because then it will make people conscious of the fact that there is something not right, and then that further distances me, and I cannot tell my parents because they would be devastated and they would not know how to handle it, thus leaving me the only responsible one and having to console them about the whole thing and act like nothing is wrong, and I would be forced to say something like "theres nothing wrong, I'm just depressed." which to me would be incredibly painful. Sorry this post was so long, I hope someone out there reads this and responds.