Posted 9/27/2016 7:24 AM (GMT -7)
Hello dudes and dudettes. I just registered here because... well I don't know what to do. I know that there are people out there who have much bigger problems, but I have always thought of it this way: people are different (in everything: gender, age, experience, character, million things to mention) Someone's reasons for pain can seen not as real for you, but for that person the reasons are enough to bring him close to suicide. It's pretty much impossible to hear anything from a person who is very different in his ways, and even if they have had experienced something as the person they're trying to advise, they're still not going through it at the moment. Just as much impossible to be the one giving advice to someone who is in pain. for the same reasons. I hope that made sence. I really dont mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if it did, but I was reading around and alot of the replies regarding other poeple's pain are sort of cheering up, with hopefullness, giving advice while being so sure, mentioning the poster's own experience sayign something like "I went through it when I was 19, now im 40", while you have to realise that when it happened for you many yers ago, everything was different, and its very hard to really imagine what the person is going through. Again no negativity, just saying...
But anyway. I guess I just want to spill it out, and for the reasons I stated above I hardly expect any help. Its just that the feeling of utter despair which I can almost physically feel that I am having from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I slip into something that can barely be called sleep, this feeling makes me go to a forum somewhere on the wasts of cyberspace, and helplessly *****, because there is no one that could hear me or understand me... Which is really crazy.
Well here's my story. I'm almost 30 now. I wont say that im super anti-social, I can stand being around people and act when need be, but I hate it, I'm sure there are a lot of people who can relate :) I've been like that since early teens I guess. Won't bore you with details, but my path brought me into taking drugs and complete apathy about everything (I was never a terrible junky who steals things or anything like that, my addictions were only hurting me, not other people, and for the most of the time I made it so that people who loved me, like my family wouldn't know about it) So about four years ago, being probably at the lowest point I have ever been in my life, just by luck (how thankful I am for it), I met someone over the internet. She lived half the world away, from a completely different culture, but slowly as we got to know each other I realised that I found someone who can never be as close to me in everything as she is (but now I'm thinking maybe it was my lonliness and a need forsomeone that talked, and maybe at the end of the day I didnt know her at all? I dont know anything at this point). After time of getting to know one another (ofcourse since we were very far away the best we could do is videochat) we were craving to see each other, and soon enough we made it possible. I think those few weeks were the best time of my life, as all the time that I spent with her. We fell in love so madly that all the time after first meeting in person that when we were apart we couldnt spend a day without seeing eachother. We met almsot every 6 months, sometimes, for weeks, sometimes for months (we tried to squeeze out all the time we could, but it's hard since both of us had things back home) we were making plans for the future, and being the negative nancy that I am, somewhere in my mind there was a though that "This is all way too good to be true. Can it really be that I have found someone like that?" I didnt belive my happiness, but with time she sort of convinced me (or how things were convinced me I guess) and for the first time in my life I felt hope that its going to be alright, that life isn't that bad, and might actually be worth it, I lived by the hope that these plans that we were making and how we imagined things would be will be real, even if it will take time. For the first time in my life when I was gettin close to 30, I had a purpose and a reason. But I guess it really was way too good to be true, and I should've listened to these thoughts. Not long ago she told me that she is sorry, but she doesnt have feelings for me anymore, and doesnt see me in her future life. At first I really couldnt belive it, it didn't make any sence, it was like some bad joke or a hallucination or a dream, just half a year we held each other, we were together, loving each other and thinking about the future...
After we came back to our homes from where we were seeing each other, as usual we talked all the time we could over the internet and thinknig about how, when and where we will see each other next time, but something was off, I cant tell what is it exactly, but I noticed that she maybe isnt as excited to see me anymore, it was barely visible, everything was almost exactly the same. She had changes going on in her life, having a career, moving to another country, and I tried to support her as much as I could while being far away. After she moved her life got hectic, she was constantly under stress, always busy and running around, it was very tought for her, and again I tried to support her as much as I could with what I had. As time went by we talked less and less and every time it wasnt the same anymore. One day I thought to myself that something is going awefully wrong (not yet realising that awefully wrong doesnt even get close to explain it) and I called her and said that I will come to see her, I didn't mind if she will be busy most of the time and we'll be seeing each other very little, I just felt like I MUST be there with her, I needed to be with her when its hard. She told me that we will talk about it later which was very strange to me because, like I said we would always use every chance to see each other, and just talking about how it will happen made us insanely happy. I was very strange. The next day it occupied my thoughts entirely, I couldnt think of anything else and waited to talk to her (the time difference) and when I finally did, in tears she told me what she did. She said she cant feel anything anymore, and she doesnt understand it herself, its just gone, and maybe it was gone even before but she only realised it now.
What I felt is, like I said in the begining is hard to get across to someone. There was turmoil in my head, there were million of thoughts violently exploding in my head and none of them made sence. I just couldnt (and still cant) understand how with all that we've had and we were she could grow cold like this, so quick, what has happened? I had crazy ideas, ofcourse being a man the first thing I though it that she found someone, but now I am sure it wasn't it. It just didn't make any sence.
Getting more to the point of this forum, and again my *****ing without expecting any relief (heck i don't know what am I doing here, why I am typing all this) Since that happened I wake up everyday and just start running, I need to do anything, I cant have a singe idle moment because when I do, I'm almost crying. It happens even in public, I have to keep myself together very hard. The other day I went to the bank and while waiting in line, I had a flash of memory of when we were at the bank one of the times we were together, I had to walk out and have a cigarette that moment, because I would've just started crying infront of many people. You know how when you miss someone, things that you did together remind you of them. Well I'm constantly reminded of things that never even happened directly with her, like I would be walking and remembering all the other million times walked the same path while thinking that Ill be talking to her or seeing her soon. Every little thing in my life reminds me of her, what we had and what we were, and everything that we will never be. Its crippling, It's all I think about it and I can't do anything. I don't want to eat or sleep, when I fall into something like sleep when its already getting light outside, its only for a few hours, then I wake up and start runninng, terrified of the thoughts that come when I stop. I feel like I dont know literally anything anymore, I don't know where I'm going with my life, and I dont even care, nothing makes sence anymore. The only thing that brings me peace is a though that somehow magically one day she will say that it was a terrible mistake, and I would be the happiest man on earth. It brings peace for some time, but its hardly possible and feels very unhealthy, yet its the only thing I can do. I feel like something will happen to me if it keeps on going like this. I still love her, I think I wont be able to stop loving her no matter how much it hurts, and I feel like I will never come even a little bit close to meeting someone like her, a truely unique and beautiful human being in all sences of the word. I know its over, but I feel like the only way for me to go on is to wait for that day... which will never come.
For once in my life I had something real, something beatiful, now its gone and I will never be able to feel it anymore. I really don't know what to do.
Sorry if my english made someone's eyes bleed, its not my native tongue.