Posted 12/2/2005 9:01 PM (GMT -6)
I am a 19 year old female. I have been depressed since I was 14. I have attempted to commit suicide...well...I have lost count. My family is unaware of this. The time I did take around 50 sleeping pills, I was taken to the hospital. My parents said nothing about it. My mental state is now deteriorating. I have feelings of impending doom, an unknown anxiety, and I am afraid I might commit suicide again. This time I feel braver, unfortunately.
I was given anti-depressants by a counsellor I sought out personally, yet I did not take them. A friend told me about the side-effects and addiction that proceeds. I do not want to rely on drugs. I prefer not to. Is there a natural way out of this?
To make it even better, I was in a ruinous relationship last year. If I do not commit suicide, I think I will die of a broken heart anyway. I do not believe I am capable of love anymore. I am exhausted. I do not want to be a part of that ridiculous social game again. I know this since I feel no interest in anyone anymore. I have been asked out a few times, by people who are eligible and I have said no. I have too much on my hands as it is.
They say I'm at the prime of youth--I feel no youth in me. It pains me to observe people my age, full of exuberance and vitality--and then me: insipid, fatigued, disinterested. My entire youth, my life, my hours are wasting before me--and I feel there is nothing I can do.
Since this September I have started having feelings of unreality. I am here, but I feel I don't know myself, as if I am in a different scope of reality. I feel as though I am going insane and suddenly start laughing and crying simultaneously. I am also hallucinating slightly sinceI am seeing things in motion, almost distorted motion, when they are immobile.
There is nothing deficient in my life. I just cannot imagine another year of this madness. I am suffering from hypersomnia as well, though I don't really mind sleeping. It kills the sadness. I love poetry and classical music--but now I feel I can relate to nothing. Everything is tinged with unhappiness and misery. There is an atmosphere of dread and terror all the time. I am tired and lost. I feel I am going to be dead soon. I will never come back to this. How can people be happy knowing everything we know will be taken away from us? How can we be at peace? Our existence will be taken away--"What falls away is always. And is near" (Theodore Rotheke--the Waking)
I am also suffering a spiritual crisis. I feel I am going to die soon since time is so fast and before we know it we are dying. If I believe in the wrong thing, I will end up hated by God i.e in the inferno. Time scares me since I feel I am losing everything. I feel my existence is being obliterated and I am helpless in the face of time.
Please help me. I am terribly lonely. Pray for me.
May God bless us all and give us peace,
-- Alexis Sid
"He who was living is now dead.
We who are living are now dying.
With a little patience."
T.S Eliot --Wasteland