Please help me.

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/2/2005 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I am a 19 year old female. I have been depressed since I was 14. I have attempted to commit suicide...well...I have lost count. My family is unaware of this. The time I did take around 50 sleeping pills, I was taken to the hospital. My parents said nothing about it. My mental state is now deteriorating. I have feelings of impending doom, an unknown anxiety, and I am afraid I might commit suicide again. This time I feel braver, unfortunately.
I was given anti-depressants by a counsellor I sought out personally, yet I did not take them. A friend told me about the side-effects and addiction that proceeds. I do not want to rely on drugs. I prefer not to. Is there a natural way out of this?
To make it even better, I was in a ruinous relationship last year. If I do not commit suicide, I think I will die of a broken heart anyway. I do not believe I am capable of love anymore. I am exhausted. I do not want to be a part of that ridiculous social game again. I know this since I feel no interest in anyone anymore. I have been asked out a few times, by people who are eligible and I have said no. I have too much on my hands as it is.
They say I'm at the prime of youth--I feel no youth in me. It pains me to observe people my age, full of exuberance and vitality--and then me: insipid, fatigued, disinterested. My entire youth, my life, my hours are wasting before me--and I feel there is nothing I can do.
Since this September I have started having feelings of unreality. I am here, but I feel I don't know myself, as if I am in a different scope of reality. I feel as though I am going insane and suddenly start laughing and crying simultaneously. I am also hallucinating slightly sinceI am seeing things in motion, almost distorted motion, when they are immobile.
There is nothing deficient in my life. I just cannot imagine another year of this madness. I am suffering from hypersomnia as well, though I don't really mind sleeping. It kills the sadness. I love poetry and classical music--but now I feel I can relate to nothing. Everything is tinged with unhappiness and misery. There is an atmosphere of dread and terror all the time. I am tired and lost. I feel I am going to be dead soon. I will never come back to this. How can people be happy knowing everything we know will be taken away from us? How can we be at peace? Our existence will be taken away--"What falls away is always. And is near" (Theodore Rotheke--the Waking)
I am also suffering a spiritual crisis. I feel I am going to die soon since time is so fast and before we know it we are dying. If I believe in the wrong thing, I will end up hated by God i.e in the inferno. Time scares me since I feel I am losing everything. I feel my existence is being obliterated and I am helpless in the face of time.
Please help me. I am terribly lonely. Pray for me.
May God bless us all and give us peace,
-- Alexis Sid
"He who was living is now dead.
We who are living are now dying.
With a little patience."
T.S Eliot --Wasteland

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 12/3/2005 12:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Sid...e-mail me, I think we could talk. I'm 20 yrs old. Keep your chin up. You will definitely be in my prayers, I hope to hear from you.


Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 12/3/2005 2:59 AM (GMT -6)   
If what you described is pretty much everything that is hurting you, it's called emptiness--a simple word for a terrible feeling.

A few posts down I wrote a post about abuse and there is a link to a page with many suggestions for people who have been abused. Some of them will help lessen emptiness at least temporarily. Pick one or two, use them until they no longer work or have done their job; then pick replacements.

Also reconsider taking meds while you work through things. Yes you can have problems on meds--but make it very plain you want something short term, 6 months to a year. Go to a counselor during that same time period with the goal of doing everything you have to in order to be ok at the end of the time. You may or may not be completely ok at the end of that time, but no matter what, you will be in a better place emotionally.

Assuming you are better in 6 mo to a year, getting over emptiness is difficult. It tends to reoccur. Generally there is a sign--like removing earrings just before difficult periods. Learn those, so you won't be taken by surprise later on.


New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/3/2005 11:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate this. I had three major assignments due this week and a terrible case of influenza. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack--but when I saw your replies I had a warm feeling in my heart. Thank you. Perhaps you'll never know how much this means to me. Bez I will seriously consider your advice. Bekah, you'll hear from me soon. And Liz my heart goes out to you; I hope we will all make it through and I will certainly email you ASAP. Do pray for me meanwhile, since I have three assignments due, and I haven't even started :(....
Alexis Sid

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 217
   Posted 12/4/2005 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Sid,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. You are struggling with a lot, aren't you?
Medications are your choice. I believe you can benefit as much from a very good therapist; so why not give that a try?
Also, if you decide to take meds, do your own research rather that rely on a friend's statements; not all meds affect everyone the same way. Also, you may only need them a short while. Like many things in life, you will have to decide for yourself after weighing the benefits vs. the risks.
I hope you feel better and get into therapy whether or not you go for the meds.
Keep posting here, we love to hear from you often! :-)
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