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Hi everyone--I'm Suz

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Depression
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Posted 12/5/2005 4:27 PM (GMT -7)
This is my first post in a depression forum--I feel so alone, I finally did a search on the Internet to find some people who can relate to my illness.  I suffer from depression, anxiety and agoraphobia.  I've taken meds for years, but they only take the edge off.  They keep me alive; but not much else. 

I'm divorced three years, had been married to an alcoholic for 15 years.  My depression is worse now than when I was married, which I really don't understand.  I certainly have no desire to go back to that hell, but guess I have created my own personal hell.

I read the post where the subject was spritual....--sorry my brain is in a fog, and don't remember the name.  I totally relate to the post, except for the Crohn's and suicide attempts.  What she wrote are my feelings.  One person responded that you have COBRA benefits and can keep your insurance after your divorce.  Sounds great, but unless you have money, there is no way to keep the insurance up.

No one in my family understands--think depression is some type of fake illness.  According to them, all I need to do is go outside, and all my problems will be solved.  If they knew how I feel, they would realize that makes me feel even worse.  Years ago, I used to be an independent individual; now I don't even recognize who I once was. 

I live on disability, and am in my apartment 24/7.  It is my refuge, but also my prison.  I've pushed my kids and family away.  I dread when the phone rings, that it might be someone I have to talk to.  I feel like I have to put up this front; like everything is fine, but I am a total wreck. 

Anyway, this is my first step to reach out to people who can relate to my illness, and I don't have to be ashamed of it, and hopefully find some help. 

Suz

Posted 12/5/2005 10:56 PM (GMT -7)

Suz Welcome to HW,

You are now a part of the HW family and I or others will be here to listen offer support and help anyway we can. The people here are great. You are not alone here.

Depression is a real disease it is not something people make-up or can make go-away at whim. I know as I also have depression.

I do understand and can relate to what you are going thorugh.

what meds are you on?

I also wanted to let you know that here at HW there is also a forum for Anxiety as well whitch I am over there as well.

offering my support and letting you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers

Jeremy


Posted 12/6/2005 3:26 AM (GMT -7)
Thank you for your kind words.  The meds I take are the maximum dose of Effexor, Remeron, and Clo****pam.  I've been on these medications about years.  I used to take Paxil, but it lost its effectiveness after taking it for probably 3-4 years.  I've tried other antidepressants, but they caused my anxiety to be much worse. 

I'm glad I posted here, and am not alone anymore with my depression and anxiety.  It really means a lot to have some understand what I'm feeling.

Suz

Posted 12/6/2005 5:43 AM (GMT -7)
Welcome, Suz!
You would be suprised at how many people actually feel the way you do but aren't motivated to reply!
I know how U feel. I am still married, mainly b/c of my codependency, but at times I push my family away and
they laugh at me when I come back. IF you want to Email me you can, if you need to blow steam or whatever.
Posted 12/6/2005 11:18 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Glenniem

Thank you for responding back. It's my first impulse to pull back into my shell, so to speak, but I am so tired of being alone and having no one to share my feelings with. I would like to correspond with you, and maybe we could help each other out.

Suz
Posted 12/6/2005 2:05 PM (GMT -7)
we all want to pull back into the shell....my house is refuge for my wife and myself ..picture your apartment as one room surrounded by high brick walls ....you have to peek over those walls and the more you look over the walls the more comfortable you will feel ..eventually you will start to go over the wll and venture out ...you will probably finds lots of reasons not to but you have to overlook them even if you get out on the front step for a few minuits each day and build up to walking around the building ...it probably sounds like a silly way to look at it but it worked for us ...you call your apartment your..refuge and it always will be there for you to go back to but everything is one step at a time ...you can do it And the phone ringing we put a call display option on ours so we answer who we want to talk to...sounds selfish but it avoids the people who stress us out!!Christmas we stay home and go for a day visit at some point over the holidays but we also know that we are coming homeat the end of the day!!I tend to ramble and start to make no sense so I will stop wish you luck and welcome you to HW....you are not alone suz....
J
Posted 12/6/2005 6:33 PM (GMT -7)
Hi James,

You have a very common-sense approach, and a workable one. My problem is I think, and think, and think, and by the time I've finished thinking; there is no way I'm going out. I do much better if an emergency arises, don't have time to think, just react and go to wherever I need to be.

If I do have to go out, the little voice in my head keeps saying, "you have to get home" over and over again. If I could get rid of my subconscious (my little voice), I could do so much better.

I didn't used to fear going places. I've always had to deal with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I think the fear of going places started when I was married, to an alcoholic, and felt I always had to be home with my kids to protect them if he came home drunk. I could never leave, because I never knew what disaster would happen while I was gone with his drinking. And plenty of disasters and nightmares happened.

It started out as protection for my kids and self-preservation, but I don't have to worry about that anymore. But my body is still in that mode--something awful is going to happen if I'm gone. And if I'm gone, I have to hurry and get home so things will be right.

I hope this makes sense. I've never really thought about it in this way; I've always just reacted. My brain and body are still in this "fear mode" that I lived in for 15 years. But I don't know how to turn the fear off now. Does this all make sense? I've been divorced three years, and it hasn't gone away.

But it really does help to know that I'm not alone, and I can share things here that I can't with other people.

Suz
Posted 12/6/2005 8:51 PM (GMT -7)
you know I may have made it sound easy ..but its not...you have to get the good little voice in your head to kick the bad one out and not think about it (I am the same way think overanalyze things)but I have managed to overcome most of my fears by taking one step at a time ..one day at a time...I try not to think to far down the road as that tends to get anxiety going and if I get to much anxiety ..as the doc says if your glass of anxiety fills it will spill over into the depression glass..so she has told me to if you can keep the anxiety glass from overflowing into the depression glass ,the depression glass will start to go down to .....I know I probably dont make sense but I try so sorry if I confused you more ...
Posted 12/6/2005 8:56 PM (GMT -7)
15 years of living like you have will take your body time to turn the fear back off ...but you have to face your fears , give the front step a try even if its for 1 minuit and tell yourself when you are out there "I am home and dont have to run to get back inside "
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