Posted 12/5/2005 6:27 PM (GMT -6)
This is my first post in a depression forum--I feel so alone, I finally did a search on the Internet to find some people who can relate to my illness. I suffer from depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. I've taken meds for years, but they only take the edge off. They keep me alive; but not much else.
I'm divorced three years, had been married to an alcoholic for 15 years. My depression is worse now than when I was married, which I really don't understand. I certainly have no desire to go back to that hell, but guess I have created my own personal hell.
I read the post where the subject was spritual....--sorry my brain is in a fog, and don't remember the name. I totally relate to the post, except for the Crohn's and suicide attempts. What she wrote are my feelings. One person responded that you have COBRA benefits and can keep your insurance after your divorce. Sounds great, but unless you have money, there is no way to keep the insurance up.
No one in my family understands--think depression is some type of fake illness. According to them, all I need to do is go outside, and all my problems will be solved. If they knew how I feel, they would realize that makes me feel even worse. Years ago, I used to be an independent individual; now I don't even recognize who I once was.
I live on disability, and am in my apartment 24/7. It is my refuge, but also my prison. I've pushed my kids and family away. I dread when the phone rings, that it might be someone I have to talk to. I feel like I have to put up this front; like everything is fine, but I am a total wreck.
Anyway, this is my first step to reach out to people who can relate to my illness, and I don't have to be ashamed of it, and hopefully find some help.