Posted 12/7/2005 6:49 PM (GMT -6)
I was laid off my job that I really liked in October. I worked for a wholesale company in the retail/gift industry and times are tough right now. Even though I loved working there, unfortunately, there was no place to move up or any type of promotion opportunity..basically another dead end job. I seem to have had dead end jobs most of my life and have never kept a job for longer than three years..mostly due to depressive episodes or being layed off..or becoming depressed and walking out..(this was mostly in my early twenties, when I didn't have many cares in the world).
I then decided to go back to college at the age of 32 and got my Associates degree while working part time, seasonal or temp jobs..and it took me four years to get the degree, all while not taking any medications for depression and looking back, I am not sure how I did it. Then I decided to keep going and it took another five years while working part time jobs to get my Bachelor's. I thought I would finally get that well paying job and job success that I have searched so hard to get. However, when I graduated three years ago, the economy was not good, and I have to get another very low paying job (dead end job that only paid $11.50 hour - at the gift company).
I was then laid off in October, and then finally things turned around for me and I was offered a position with one of the largest investment company's in the world making in the mid thirties (which after $9 - 10.00 hour jobs all my life, seemed like terrific great money). It was a terrific opportunity with so much growth potential. However, it ended up being too much and overwhelming for me, and I decided after five weeks of very intensive and grueling training, that the financial and investment career path was not right for me and I just can't seem to get get excited about 401K's, stocks, options, bonds, enough to help customers with their money. Also they tape record you at the company and heavily regulated and it was hard on me knowing I was being tape recorded and then having them go over the tape recording with me and how I sounded, and I felt very intimated, and that I could not be myself and shine on the phones, as I have in previous customer service positions. It is a great company, and I am feeling lousy that I had to resign...but I did not want to waste my time or theirs..and I felt overwhelmed with having to go through series 7 and 63 training and passing those tests.
I feel I am spinning my wheels in life, and at 43 years old just not getting anywhere, and just feeling plain old bad about myself. I haven't held a job long enough to have any savings or retirement and I am frightened of what will become of me when I retire..or will have to work the rest of my life. I know I will eventually find another job, but I still feel somehow as I have failed in life and at jobs, relationships..just can't seem to hold on to either. I hate this disease.. (depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder, Anxiety) frustrated with counseling, medications, losing my health insurance and just my life in general right now. I really just needed to vent. Sorry this was long..thanks to all who read this far and for listening.