In my weekly PTSD session, with a most excellent therapist, she has been teaching me how to think properly, something I had never thought about in my 64 years. I have found there's a lot I don't know about thinking through problems.
Due to the severity and length of my PTSD and its origins, she said its going to take a lot longer than their normal 12 week program, in fact, it may go on for most of this new year, on top of the previous 3 months or so I have been involved.
However, until the other side can break through on my "double depression", its going to hamper some progress on the PTSD side.
I talked to the ECT nurse both yesterday and today, and in theory, going to start on Wednesday, January 18th, somewhere between 12 and 15 events. This will give me time to line up all my ducks, and feel comfortable about actually doing it.
I know inside, that I am sick and need help, and so far, meds aren't doing it. It's almost like my brain fights the effects the meds intend. I might as well be taking sugar pills.
And the VA fully understands I am at high risk for harm. It's still possible that I may have to go in-patient for a while. Don't really want to, but if it could save my life and give me a chance to get my head on straight, I am at least open to the possibility.
None of this is easy, and I know its not for anyone fighting severe depression. Part of my problem, is that I made the choice years ago to tough out all the medical disasters I was undergoing on my own, without help, without meds. Huge mistake looking back, as I see that I painted myself into a corner with no way out.
For those here that don't know me or my story, since 2000, I have had cancer 4 times, including 3 bouts of the ultra rare porocarcinoma, and metastatic prostate cancer - which I am still dealing with. I had both surgery and radiation for the prostate cancer - and both treatments failed fast. With the other cancers, I had multiple operations and major radiation.
All told, during that time, I have had 15 operations or procedures, major radiation 2x, spent 1 1/2 years on catheters, and ended up with an Urostomy. And that's the short version.
No wonder I have had a mental and emotional breakdown of sorts. Mix in a long childhood of severe abuse, being a Viet-Nam vet, etc. My life has been one long path of issues and problems.
Don't get me wrong, I know many of you have probably suffered far more than myself, but due to my history, I can honestly empathize with you. And yeah, been dealing with severe chronic pain for nearly 7 years, and chronic fatigue for nearly 17 years.
Have not been able to work since the end of 2008, right when I was at the peak of my career. Haven't gotten over that part either. I had worked so hard for so many years, and had it snatched away from me because of my poor health.
Anyway, will quit boring, just wanted to give a little background to my new friends here in this particular forum
I read and appreciate all your comments and thoughts
Not sure what became of my signature? Didn't realize it disappeared.