Concerned about a close friend...

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2017
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/11/2017 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello all,

I'm writing here because I'm concerned about a close friend of mine who I've known for over 15 years. We're both 28 and male.

My friend has clinical depression and has had some difficult times in his life. He lost his father when he was 20 years old and suffered from eating disorders and self-harm during that time. He's a very sensitive soul and one of the kindest people I've known. I believe he has some co-dependency issues. He's always had girlfriends from the age of 14 without much time as a single person. He's always very unhappy when he's on his own and has struggled to end relationships even when the girl has treated him badly. He left school with good grades and has a university degree, but has never had a job in his life.

A few years ago he found himself a lovely sweet girlfriend, she was very attractive. We all (our friendship group) thought he did extremely well to get her and he agreed. He always expressed how lucky he was and that he was the happiest he'd ever been. She seemed to bring the best out of him - they even started their own little business together. His overall mood and motivation levels were the best they'd ever been. We were all so happy for him. He finally seemed sorted in life.

Last year, much to our surprise, he broke up with her. It seemed completely out of character for him and we heard she was devastated.

A couple of months later, he told us the truth. He 'came out' to us and is now dating another male. Surprised doesn't even begin to describe it. None of us ever suspected he was gay. We supported him and were proud of him for finding the courage to come out though.

As much as I would love to be happy for my friend, all I feel is great concern... Turns out his new partner is only 18 years old and still at college (and failing all his subjects). My friend doesn't get out of bed until 1pm and plays video games 12 hours a day with his new boyfriend. This has been going on for 6 months now and he doesn't seem to have any interest in finding himself a job. He's still living with his mother and I believe she'd be happy for her son to live with her forever as she's been a very lonely woman since her hubby passed away. sad

I'm really worried about him and don't want him to waste his life away. I've tried to talk to him about his potential future career and job search, but he gets over-sensitive and all it does is cause an argument. Is there anything I can do? I hope he comes to his senses soon, but I fear he won't.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42065
   Posted 1/11/2017 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dave,

Welcome to the depression forum. You could try to get him to go to some type of counseling to get his life in order, but some things we have to find out for ourselves. Though he is not being productive and is probably depressed. It is hard when it is someone we care about. Maybe you and your friends could do some type of intervention. I agree it is not healthy to sleep all day, not work, and play video games. And for his partner (young) to be failing all his classes, something could be going on.

I doubt he would waste his life, but he will probably have regrets in the future. I hope he wouldn't waste it anyway. Though some people do.

Talking to him must be hard. You need to try to come across as if you aren't telling him what to do. I imagine he is getting defensive. Some how make it his idea.

I do recommend some counseling for him to get started, but I don't know how easy it would be if he doesn't see the problem.

You are in a tough spot. I hope that things work out.

You are a good friend. Don't ever forget that.

Hugs, Karen...

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2232
   Posted 1/11/2017 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dave. Your perception that your good friend is 'wasting his life away' may be accurate, but then again, it may be inaccurate.

Speaking as someone who waited even longer to 'come out' a lie is exhausting. Knowing that every relationship one has ever had has had this lie mixed in....trying to figure stuff out as a result...I'm not really surprised your friend is spending his time playing video games with his boyfriend.

He may not feel that he belongs in your 'friendship group' anymore. Just let him know you are still there for him, to be his friend, and let him find his way. You may not like how things go, life changes and some of those changes are difficult to accept. Hopefully, your friend will learn more about himself and return to being more like the person you knew (or thought you knew).
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7245
   Posted 1/12/2017 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
It is hard when we love our friends, sometimes they are more family then relatives.

However, when emotions or mental diagnosis get in the way it is hard. A lot of people go years with out know that they have depression, bipolar and other diagnosis's. Usually there is no danger, just bad decisions.

The person themselves, has to see that something is not clicking, otherwise they see help as other people trying to control their lives.

It also depending on what went on in childhood.

I was never of aware of my abuse until 5yrs ago, I am 56 now. So all through my 20' and 30' pushed people away if they got to close or If I got to close. Except for my husband. Guess there is always an exception.

Suppose, what I am trying to say is, be the best friend you can, if he is drinking or doing drugs to much, intervention. Otherwise, be there when he is ready to talk.

Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
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DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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