Tim Tam said...
Your post really hits home. I've had that situation, mine was depression, yours, you keep talking about anxiety, but it has the same consequences.
Mine was, I was so depressed, I couldn't function. Yours, you say, you're so anxious you can't function.
You say, 1.Since I got hit with all kinds of anxiety and trying to make it to a stable place, my will and drive hasn't changed but now I get myself in all kinds of positions because truth is I can't do whatever I set my mind to, that talk is for healthy people, those quotes don't belong to me."
So, you're saying yours is anxiety. This website also has an "Anxiety" forum. You might want to visit there and see what others are doing for anxiety, and see what they might have to suggest.
You say, "I hate not being able to go do what I want because of anxiety and depression so I always think, why should I miss out because if I don't do what I want I get depressed."
So you might be depressed, which may be why you drifted toward the depression forum.
In my case with depression, I was depressed for several or more years. I couldn't make decisions, either. For instance, I was trying to decide if I should go someplace one night, to my relatives, to spend the night or two there, or not.
I couldn't decide. I couldn't decide if I wanted to go, I couldn't decide if I could go, without having an anxiety attack, and all. If I could function around people if I got there.
I was thinking, I'll be depressed if I go, and I'll be depressed if I don't go.
Same thing with a social event. I hadn't done anything in a long time, and I thought I needed to do something. I didn't know if I could function if I got there. I got there, and I didn't do well. I don't do good at social situations, anyway, so my problem was part depression/anxiety and part I don't do good at social situations.
But it was also part, "But I should be doing something." Now, I walk my dog around the street, occasionally see people and have a pretty good conversation with people who are like me or people who I get along with.
One thing that helped is that I got out of my depression. I had been miss-diagnosed as depressive, but was really bi-polar, or manic-depressive. When they added Lithium to my anti-depressant, I basically got out of my depression/mania and anxiety.
The Lithium stopped my anxiety attacks cold, so I know it helps with anxiety. The anti-depressant I'm on is Mirtazapine, and it probably helps with anxiety.
In all of your discussion, I don't see where you mentioned anything about going to get any help. Have you ever thought about going to see a psychiatrist? You don't say anything about taking any medicine.
Have you ever though about taking an anti-anxiety? You might also be depressed, since you say you can't make decisions.
You might want to type in "Depression" on the search engine, go to on of the websites and see if one of them might have a test for depression, and see if that's what you think you might be.
A good psychiatrist can first give you a diagnosis of what your condition might be. You need that first, before you can get medicated properly. You might want to contact a woman's health center, say at a hospital, and ask someone there (the director?) if they can recommend a good psychiatrist.
To find a women's health center in your area, you can go to your computer Yellow Pages (in the search engine, type in "Yellow Pages for Your Town").
Pick one of the Yellow Pages that comes up, you might want to pick "The Real Yellow Pages," or something like that, then type in something like "Women's Health Center" and see if something comes up. Or, call a hospital or two in your city, and ask hospital information if they have a women's health center there.
And then ask them for the name of a psychiatrist.
You say: "I'm a positive and happy person when things are stable though it's never long until I feel empty and bored."
If you're depressed and bored, you might bi-polar, like I am. So you might also go to the net search engine and type in "bi-polar" and see what the symptoms are.
You say, "But I'm learning lately that I need to give up, and accept this is me. I think I will learn to live with depression instead of finding my way out."
No, it's not you, it's you without having gone to a psychiatrist.
You say, "I'm a positive and happy person when things are stable though it's never long until I feel empty and bored."
It's good that you are a positive and happy person. That person is still there, you just need some help.
Do you have anyone in your family who has had psychiatric problems? You may have inherited it, and you just hit an age when it got to you.
You say, "Just a rant, I'm accepting myself for how I see myself now, I will hope that I get a better life next time around if I'm born again."
Don't you give up on me.
Thanks for your reply, I have not tried medication because I'm afraid of it, I've been to psychologists but not psychiatrists afraid to have labels but I have thought about
it a few times.
I did try asking my gp about
a psychiatrist but she said we need to try and help you with a psychologist first. I moved countries and haven't had therapy here yet. Yeah I thought I had depression because it doesn't matter what I do, I feel life is pointless, I do get restless very easy I thought maybe I had ADHD or something but who knows, apart of me would like to understand better. I can be very level headed and then unstable the next in a short amount of time, I'm always changing from one end of the scale to the next whenever I make decisions, I read something about
borderline personality disorder and it seemed to resonate with me but I don't think the title holds true.
I'm reading a book at the moment called van goph blues and is giving me some insight into things. My dad has anxiety and depression and all his brothers so it is definitely genetic but he too won't take medication or see anyone, determined like me to do it all and find the way on our own, it does cross my mind to try medication at times, but I guess it worries me too because to me it's like my lifeline and I think if that doesn't work and that scares me then.
Hope you're having a good day and thanks to you and others for your comments. Nice to know I'm not alone although it's not nice to know that so many of us suffer in life.