Posted 1/24/2017 6:21 PM (GMT -7)
Just by the post title I'm sure people can already assume what this is about. I was with my ex for 13 months. We were beyond in love until things went south and we broke up because of long distance, fighting, and our relationship just became toxic at that point no matter how hard he or I tried to fix it. We broke up on April 1st of 2016 (pretty ironic). It completely destroyed me. I lost so much weight and went into a deep depression because I had never loved like that before nor have I been broken up with. I could tell it was really hard on him too since I was his first everything. After the break up, he went from being a sweet and innocent guy to someone who parties like a frat boy, tries different types of drugs, and hooks up with a bunch of girls. "**** boy" is what most would call it. As of now, he and I are both in college, but he's a year ahead of me. A few weeks after breaking up, one of his new girls would send me snapchats of them together just to attack me, and it worked. I would go home and cry just like I did the day we broke up. No matter how long I've had to heal, he always has a way of getting to me.
Months down the road, close to current time, I reconnected with a guy I had a big crush on in high school/middle school. He's the definition of perfection. He's tall (I'm 5'10 so its amazing), absolutely beautiful, and he has the most beautiful family and soul. This is the type of man that my family wants me to marry; he's THAT guy from the movies. But for some reason, I don't love him. I've spent so much time with him and made amazing memories, but I can't get over my ex nor does he compare. Don't get me wrong either, I've been out there and have spent a lot of time with all of these amazing guys, but none of them have what I saw in my ex.
Over the summer, I would run into my ex at the gym a lot. Eventually, we spoke, and we were on good terms and would goof off here and there. I saw him at parties, raves, and a few other places. His old dorm roommate is one of my best friends. He and I knew each other before I had met my ex. One night when we were hanging out, he got me drunk and took advantage of me. He was someone I looked up to, someone I would never do anything with... but it happened. When they both went back to school, he rubbed it in my ex's face. Apparently he played it cool, but he went back to his apartment and cried. When we were dating, he felt threatened by his roommate and our friendship, but he also knew I would never do anything.
All of this information my ex told me himself. He reached out to me here and there and thanked me for the headphones I gave him because it helped him study. That conversation led into a facetime call where we both ended up crying. This was somewhat recent, about a month and a half ago. We told each other we would always be apart of each others hearts and that there will always still be love there. I showed him that I had kept the things he had given me and I felt really good about that conversation.
Right before everyone went back to school after winter break, so about two weeks ago, I hung out with him and his siblings at the gym. We hot tubed and played around like the old times. It was the happiest I had felt around it since the break up. He was leaving the next day, so he hugged me goodbye and told me we'd keep more in touch. I went home and cried because I was right back where I started, wanting him back. Loving him. Being so in love with him. My mom saw me and just gave me a hug. All this time of hoping we'd get back together, and I felt defeated. Later, I got a text from him asking how I really was because we didn't get alone time to talk. I told him that I always enjoyed seeing him because no matter what, I always get reminded of our old times. He proceeded to tell me that our paths have separated as of now, but he would be willing to possibly give it a shot in the future. He told me "I hope you know I'm still going to be there that day". I had been asking myself that question ever since April 1st.
When we dated, we came up with a time and place to meet after college. No matter what, together or not, we'd meet there. I had a gut feeling that everyone told me to let go of, and those words melted my heart and gave me the clarity I needed. He told me about how his mom misses me and we both caught up with each other's lives. He got into some things, but I guess that's what college can do to a teenage boy. He's still figuring himself out, partying, trying things, and I'd assume talking to girls.
After he left back to school, we both had plans to go to the same concert. When I texted him letting him know I wanted to say hi, he didn't respond, but he watched my snap story on instagram. After all of what had just happened, I felt like a fool who was getting played. Currently, I'm getting tested for lupus and other autoimmune crap. I post about it on my private account, which he follows, and eventually days later, he texts me asking how I'm feeling and saying how he hopes I get better because I'm "a strong girl." He apologized for not meeting up with me because he brought one of his girl best friends to the concert as a present and didn't want to make it weird for her. I told him it would have been easier for him to tell me that, but it was fine because I left early anyways. (The rave kinda sucked and I was getting my butt grabbed too much for my liking). We had small talk after that, but then he had to go study. And that's the last we spoke.
I don't know what to do with myself. I've grown as a person and put a lot of effort into me, I've given it time, I've given other guys chances, and I just can't seem to get over him. He told me where he stands, but I'm scared it will change. My mom is convinced it won't because I gave him everything in this world and more. Not to mention, he would always brag about how he was dating a model and how he would never find anyone better than me blah blah (I bought him an xbox one and rolex lol). I don't know if he's learning that, keeping me hanging (but I sincerely don't get that feeling because he truly is a good guy even after all that's happened), or if he actually does want to try again when circumstances allow.