It's good that you have gotten back with the board.
So you had like, what, a rough childhood and you can't get over it, right?
You're very sensitive and that's a good thing, as discussed in the thread near this one, "Mental Breakdown." In that tread there is a new book mentioned, "The Highly Sensitive Person" plus 3 or 4 paragraphs of a review of that book that you might want to look at, since you're sensitive.
Sensitivity is not a weakness, it's a strength, and you are very sensitive and introspective.
Can you appreciate your sensitivity?
You say, "I find it hard to even cope because what I say and show to the outside are two different people." Did you have such a rough childhood you are now like two people?
If so, it wasn't your fault. What was childhood like?
Did you, like, inherit anxiety and have a rough childhood? If so, who did you inherit your anxiety from? It helps to know, so you know it's not your fault.
I got my bipolar from my mother's mother. It can skip a generation, so it may have been your grandparents who had anxiety, but not your parents. Can you figure out where you got it from?
You said, "Im suppossed to help my mom with smg and I probably would have stopped talking to everyone completely bc i dont want them to know how bad things are...."
That's understandable. I once was going to walk my dog, but my neighbors to left were outside, and I was depressed and didn't have what it takes to walk down the street in front of their house, because I would probably have to talk to them, but I didn't have the strength to do that.
So, I didn't go to the left, so I went the other direction, and there those neighbors were outside, and I ran into them because I couldn't get away and it was horrible.
I was invited to a gathering one time and was depressed and knew I hadn't bee anywhere in a long time, so it was push-pull on the issue of going to the gathering. I went and wished I hadn't because I couldn't socialize because of my depression.
So, you were probably right not to go to your mom's. But I know how you feel, you don't feel like doing anything, and you don't like that, and you feel worse if you do go somewhere and can't converse, so there we are, stuck in the middle with guilt for not doing anything, and fear if we do try to do something.
You say, "The problems just keep piling on and Im frozen and I have no one to talk to bc i cant be honest bc it will alarm them and myself even more so. Im not really sure"
I know the frozen feeling. I once applied for a job, gave them my phone number, they were to give me a call. Didn't realize I gave them to wrong phone number where I used to stay, but wasn't now.
I lost my confidence in the day or 2 after I applied and didn't call the person back to see if I got the job. My girlfriend said, call them, the only reason I did, and I got the job. But if she hadn't encouraged me to do so, I might never have called and got the job.
So I know what frozen is.
You say: "I guess the person whom I really want to think everything is okay is my S.O. I could get moving....but it seems really hard. All of this anxiety keeps me up at night. I guess Im mainly afraid that my marriage will fall appart and I dont know where to began"
I know I have concern about keeping someone's friendship, especially when I start having mental or physical problems, and I worry that they might not want to be my friend anymore. So it is a concern with me, also.
And: " I know what we do is a big part of who we are..so maybe not doing anything for so long has made me too analytical...I really dont have any excuse that I know of not to work but i also have no sense of self in a way bc how i am on the outside does not match how I really feel."
No sense of self. What happened to it? Your anxiety. Where does that come from? Have you had it all of your life?
And: "Im not sure if this makes sense." Yeah, it does.
You add: "Everyone is really concerned that i cannot find my purpose and me most of all. All i can say is that i have a lot of guilt and anxiety on top of it."
You can feel they're pulling for you, and feel guilty because you can't get better.
Can't find your purpose, can find yourself. Who took that?
We like you just as you are. Sensitive. That's why we keep talking to you.