Good news! All the reason you say about
not being ready for a therapist are exactly the things a therapist can help you with! Even when you say "fine" or say "I don't know how to say what I'm feeling"--those are things a therapist will help with. This is just how so many of us are with therapists and they know that and know how to help. Even if you go and say "I think I need to be here, but I'm not sure what to say or where to start and some things that bother me are embarrassng to talk about
.", the therpist can take it from there. You don't have to do all the work.
I am with you on the shopping in that I can't take it much. But I tend to get critical and angry--not with the help, just with the fellow shoppers. Last night I was out and everyone who stood in front of me and blocked my view, etc I realized I had scathing words for in my head, criticizing every hair on their head, there clothing, you name it. (All this was silent, internal, and with a smile on my face.) I laughed at myself when I realized what I was doing because I thought to myself "Well, don't you have a lot of nerve being so critical of everyone. lol. Here you are out shopping at the last minute and it seems as if you expect to have the store to yourself!" It worked, I calmed down and I realized I was done shopping for the night because I can only take it in small doses, especially at Christmas. And then I can't wait to get back home to quiet.
What is going on with you because you are crying? You are feeling something first, then you are crying. You may not know what that is right now. It could be your sense of being overwhelmed at the mall, and if that's what it is, that's okay. You feel what you feel.
I hope today is a good day for you and you are making it like you want it. Take care of you! Gently, lovingly take care of you.
I hope you post again and let me know how you are!