How are you today? I hope your day is a good one.
Tell me more about being afraid to go to a doctor? We all have fears about going when we begin our journey. Afraid of being declared insane (won't happen), afraid the doctor can know things about you even if you don't talk about those things (can't happen: they have no special powers or ability to know anything about you unless you tell them), afraid of being judged as a bad person (can't happen either because people with problems aren't bad persons, they are troubled persons), afraid of being blamed and shamed for our troubled circumstances or troubled thoughts (won't happen: the goal will be to identify where they come from so we can learn how to deal with them), afraid the therapist will expect things of you that you cannot do (won't happen, but there may be challenges to try and those can be fun and enlightening!).
If you have other fears, can you say what they are?
I think you are at a place where it is more exhausting and discouraging to stay where you are than to take that step and seek professional help. The way you like to talk here on the board is the way you will talk in therapy; friendly, comfortable, easy.
Thinking of you and hope you are having a peaceful day today!
My IM info is here, too, if you wish to IM.