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Posted 2/7/2017 9:17 AM (GMT -7)
My heart is so broken right now. You know, Luke, my boyfriend wasn't perfect. He was very heavy but he was trying so hard to lose weight. He had lost 30 pounds and was so proud of himself. He was going to have weight loss surgery. The day before he died he went to the doctor he told him he was doing good. Luke was super cuddly and happy the night before that morning. I don't know. I'm just so sad. Part of me blames myself. Like maybe if I hadn't been so crabby.

I had been in pain for several months and he tried his best to take care of me. He didn't know what to do and he felt so bad. All I wanted was for him to rub my back and leg that was really sore and he did that, that was enough for me. On good days we could go places. Sometimes we would go to the gym with the pool and walk in the pool because that was one exercise I was able to do. To us that was a special time. We usually had the pool to our selves. It was fun and the pain was gone for a while. It was good for him because he had pain too. His back was worse than mine. When I saw the paperwork that showed what they did to repair his back I couldn't even believe he was alive.

I feel like I could type forever but I'm going to stop here.
Posted 2/7/2017 9:22 AM (GMT -7)
Please don't blame yourself in any way KCrispcat... You did nothing to cause this. Did they say why he died? Did he have sleep apnea? If he was real heavy his heart may have gone out. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Have you heard anymore on your surgery? When is it going to happen?

I hope you have close friends and family right now, you need that in your life. And know we are here for you too.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/7/2017 9:45 AM (GMT -7)
Those are beautiful words Chris, Luke sounds like such a wonderful person. Although it's natural to question our roll in things, the truth is that stuff happens for reasons that we'll never understand. Hold on to those beautiful memories you wrote about. After all, it's through your memories that Luke will live on.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted 2/7/2017 3:28 PM (GMT -7)
Chris, that is what I would.

Just write about Luke, til nothing else comes out. Then. Late go back and read it.

So many wonderful memories I am sure. He sounds as is he was a gentle loving soul. He would not want you blaming yourself for things out of you control

I believe when it is a.person's time. They go, nothing will hold that back from happening. I try to celebrate the lives of people I have lost.

Instead of flowers, perhaps you could ask for donations to a program that teaches children about nutrition.

Peace and gentle hugs.
Trina
Posted 2/7/2017 8:39 PM (GMT -7)
My heart goes out to you, lending you my shoulder for a good cry...You have my prayers and many gentle hugz...
Posted 2/7/2017 8:58 PM (GMT -7)
He was very overweight and had a lot of health issues. He was diabetic and had high blood pressure. He just had stents put into his heart a week before he died. He had blood clots before. You know.. it's just too much to even go into he did have sleep apnea and was wearing a mask when he gasped for air. He needed a new machine and went to a new sleep study but never got his new machine. I pushed him to follow up but he wouldn't do it.

Thats all for now
Posted 2/8/2017 4:53 AM (GMT -7)
I am so sorry Chris. It sounds like he had many health issues. I hope you get through all this okay. Remember we are here for you. Hang in there sweet heart. Have you talked to your therapist? I hope that they are helping.

Keep posting when you can.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/8/2017 7:07 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Everyone,

I got to take a shower today. It was much needed. I had to wait 5 days!

You know I want say I'm better mentally, but I would be lying. Yesterday, when I woke up, I didn't want to be here. I had thoughts of things we can't talk about here (I'm not sure what can or cannot be said - tho I would never go into details). I go in and out of l.crying spells. I'm very sad. Sometimes I feel ok.

That's all.
Posted 2/8/2017 9:14 AM (GMT -7)
Crispy,

Have you thought about grief counseling? It really does help you get through things. I am sorry for what has happened. Things get better in time, but that doesn't help much right now.

Talk to somebody, counselor, grief counselor. I am sure you have a lot to get off of your chest. And in the resource thread at the top of the page, there are crisis numbers and web sites. Make sure to use them if you need to.

We are here for you Crispy...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/8/2017 9:32 AM (GMT -7)
You have my support and prayers, the loss of a loved one is hard, try talking to a pastor/clergy if possible. and find grief support group. A spouse grief support group could help you and they are out there...
This is not the end of your world, and you need to give yourself time and counseling and support groups can help. The Cry spells will happen, just let those tears flow when you need to as that will help.
You have my prayers, look for a grief support group.
Posted 2/8/2017 9:56 AM (GMT -7)
Keep hanging in Chris. Every day gets a little easier.
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